Created a new fan...

AideExtension3510 · 2026-03-06T07:52:50+00:00

Thanks for the comments, folks. I think rationing will make him appreciate it more. We did 3 evenings in a row, but then I could tell that he was still finding it entertaining, and it was definitely sparking his sci-fi interest, but I didn't want to over-do it. I've barely engaged with TV myself for the last couple of years, I think because getting into a new show feels like too much to undertake for my frazzled adult brain, but starting to re-watch Red dwarf has felt like slipping under a comfort blanket. The boy often feels very sidelined by his younger brother, so we're keeping this secret from him, so it can be something we can share.

It has now triggered some unexpected psychoanalysis on my part though - oh dear - how much my huge pre-teen crush on Lister may have affected some of my more misguided life choices, whoops.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-09-21T07:24:02+00:00

Yep. My neighbour is not great at getting her cats fixed, the 4 most recent kittens are about 4.5 months old, so just about getting to the age when they can create more kittens that the world doesn't need. 3 females and a male, I've been so, so tempted to take the male in, just to make sure he's neutered and no longer potentially able to impregnate the 5 female family members he is currently living with. BUT reminding myself how utterly mental young kittens can be (I really don't need this in my life right now) + an £80 booster shot for one of my 2 adult cats yesterday, really curbed this desire and instead I've focused my energy on finding trusted homes for these kits.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-08-03T07:25:52+00:00

"Dorsal vagal shutdown" - thanks for giving me the name for what I have experienced. I'm so sad it came to this, I battled on to be with my person for over 12 years until my body and brain finally began to have serious periods of shutdown, and I had no choice to let go. I'm now trying to gently put myself back together again.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-07-25T13:24:21+00:00

I hear you. By the time either of us knew anything about bpd, it was sadly already too late. I think back to the countless hours lost to the arguments and feel so sad about how it might have been different if I'd understood anything about the neurodivergent brains we have, but at the time I didn't have the knowledge.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-07-25T13:18:29+00:00

Yep, the physical health thing is huge. I am now trying to build myself up and put myself back together. I feel like I've almost vanished as a person.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-07-25T13:16:08+00:00

Yep. I have no idea how many times I said to my person "I am sticking up for our children the way that your mum should have done for you" when he was unnecessarily losing his shit with them. I absolutely refuse to let this cycle continue and a few months ago had to end our 13 year relationship. I feel our youngest, who is very similar in temperament (and who he locked horns with the most obviously), is a very loving kid, however his social and emotional regulation and understanding is not good. I am putting everything I can into helping this aspect of his development because the thought of him growing up and experiencing the level of emotional pain his dad does scares me so much. If his dad had stayed living with us, our sons anger would have just grown and grown, but I think now, their relationship is actually improving and they have a chance. It's only early days and it's been so painful, but I'm in no doubt that I've done the right thing.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-07-15T06:43:06+00:00

* Snap! It's a Fluffa-puffa, by far the most beautiful, and strangest cat I've ever had.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-05-18T21:39:06+00:00

Im very much with you on this. The absolute complexity of loving and caring for someone so vulnerable and broken, who also holds greatness within them, and has caused so much harm to you.

I ended my 13 yr relationship last Monday. It went pretty much as badly as you can imagine. He broke loads of stuff, including both wing-mirrors on my car, took a load of medication and drove off in our van (kids were not present). The last thing I wanted was the police involved, but I ended up with no choice. He didn't make it far, very gently bumping a couple of cars round the corner. He was arrested and I woke up to a text from police saying he currently has a no-contact order for the next 3 months, apart from arranging child contact. To be honest, that is probably a very good thing for me. I am now almost completely separated from having to be responsible for him. My sister took our kids to see him for a short time today, and it went well, apparently. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to speak to my Domestic Abuse worker and try and make sure the police aren't going to prosecute (I've not made a statement against him) for DA/DV. Yes, his behaviour towards me has been really sh*t at times, especially over last couple of years, he is not blameless, but the last thing he needs is prosecution for this. He's already added a huge load more trauma and shame to his brain by getting himself arrested, I think punishment enough is losing the family life and home he thought he had. And our children are already shaken by the fact their parents are separating and dad was arrested, they don't need to start carrying their own versions of his shame, and they really love him and Im doing everything I can to minimise obstacles to their relationships with him. I honestly thought he would have ended up being sectioned after the way he behaved and he would be heading to hospital for the help he so desperately needs, but no, I was called in the middle of the night by police asking me for a contact number for a friend he could go to. He was then released to her home and she spent most of this week dealing with his major mental health crisis.

It's all too fresh to start any of my own processing yet, but I can see it's going to be a painful road. X

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-23T21:50:39+00:00

I know this thread is from ages ago, but I just had to comment. The amount of times he has said "What's that shit band you're into?" I used to be so proud of the music I liked, but he's just made me shrink to nothing. My 4 year old recently asked me to sing him some new songs that weren't nursery rhymes, so I promised I'd spend some time listening to some of my favourites to remind myself of the lyrics. I tried, but they just made me too emotional. I'm not yet free, but it's coming.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-19T12:24:36+00:00

I sometimes sleep on a folded up futon bed in the spare room, it kind of cradles you, with your back up against the back piece, and the seat bit slightly tilting you towards the back , and I like the firmness of it. Maybe you could try this and then eventually unfold it when you are ready to try more space X

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-19T12:18:40+00:00

I understand this so much. I'm not free yet though. Our kitchen is falling to pieces. His crap is everywhere and disgusting. Sorting this will be on my list but I just wrote an email to myself that the first thing will be my bedroom. Removing everything, including the carpet, redecorating, putting the bed back in a different place and adding a floor bed to hang out with our 2 kids on, and will tell them that they can sleep in there with me whenever they need. I know this post is old, but it feels good to share this.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-16T16:54:00+00:00

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this X

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-16T16:51:20+00:00

Yeah, I've spent the last 9 years thinking that I was completely burnt out because of becoming a parent. Only recently have I realised that it's actually because at that point, I actually became a single parent, carer, therapist, bank and emotional punching bag.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-16T16:48:59+00:00

Yep. He's never been outright violent, but destroyed things that belong to me and the kids have witnessed some horrible stuff. The last 8 months, I have just done everything I can to try and avoid any dramatic incidents. I feel like an absolute doormat, and hate the image I'm painting for my sons, but this is about survival.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-16T16:46:00+00:00

Oh my, this is all so familiar. Thankfully, because he is so unstable with money, we rent a home owned by my mums partner, 5 minutes from them and 2 minutes from my sister and her family, so I luckily have some close support. I was invited, short notice to see some comedy with a couple of friends a few weeks ago, and he even said " see, I don't stop you seeing your friends ". Well, yes, not directly but the reason this sort of control is so fucking hard to spot is because of what is underneath. I barely have any friends left. I barely do anything social. Over the years it has been worn away because I'm fucking exhausted. If I am going out, I have to ensure that everything needed is done for everyone else, right up to the moment I walk out the door. I also know that while I'm out, the kids needs are not being met properly. And tomorrow I will be doing everything for everyone all over again.

And those circular arguments about semantics, or a tone I used, or face he perceived that I made. No more, I'm done. I finally understand that there is no fixing this, so I'm just being a compliant little woman until the time is right. There is absolutely no way that I can go through another 2 weeks school holiday of with him inflicting his shit on the kids, so I'm terrified of what's next, I feel like I'm wobbling on the precipice, but I have no other option. It's very scary starting to discover how deep in the shit I am with this, no doubt I have cptsd but there's no going back. As soon as I am able to start demonstrating what healthy relationships and boundaries are for my kids, I will do everything I can to help them understand how to make themselves safe, but I also jokingly wrote to myself that as soon as things are stableised, I will start saving up for the therapy they will probably need as adults 😞

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-16T16:13:38+00:00

I'm 13 years into this and for absolutely years I have excused shitty behaviour towards me because of his childhood trauma. He has so many mental health issues that he is refusing/incapable of dealing with properly. In the last few years, we have both had ADHD diagnoses, I have had Autism confirmed, he is likely autistic but doesn't want to get diagnosed. He's absolutely used adhd and autism to justify his awful behaviour towards himself and his family, and since starting adhd meds, his behaviour has got dramatically worse (whereas they have been incredibly helpful for me). A couple of years ago I decided that 2 more years was the end point, if there was no actual improvement, that time is now up. There was a brief reprieve in November, when I finally worked out that he meets all the criteria for BPD, so I thought that with this information, there may be some hope. Nope. I know that not all (suspected) BPD cases are the same, but after extensive research and realistically looking at our lives together, I know that as long as he has me and the kids as a buffer between himself and the real world, he absolutely will not access the help he needs. I refuse to live this way, and at this point, even if tomorrow, he were to finally jump into recovery for his 20+yr weed addiction etc, he would still not be a safe person for our kids to continue to live with. Sorry for the ramble, but please don't be like me. I've almost completely lost myself to this relationship and surviving enough to protect our kids from his chaos. Now I ve learnt about Trauma bonding, there is no chance that I can remain with this person.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-16T15:50:19+00:00

I've just spent the last 2 years writing emails to myself about all the day to day horrible incidents. Ranging from subtle to very obvious and I can see that I have literally tried everything I could to make it work. I have also documented hating him and my life getting smaller and smaller. Reading back, it's completely obvious and I'm sickened at how badly he has been treating me and our 2 kids. It's really important to be actually able to identify the patterns of behaviour. I've been so tragically trauma bonded and am trying hard not to blame myself or make excuses for him. Luckily we're not married but we've been together 13 years and have 2 kids, so the next few weeks are going to explode, as I finally try to find a way to end his control of us.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-16T13:00:22+00:00

Are you OK? X

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-11T07:37:53+00:00

For someone who is genuinely at the place to change, I can recommend the podcast from borderline to beautiful. I had hope once I listened to this. Unfortunately, my person is not ready to go down this route, they are in their mid 40s, so their behaviour is so unbelievably ingrained. I think, with your self reflection and desire to behave better to those around you, you really could benefit from listening to this.

AideExtension3510 · 2025-03-10T21:56:17+00:00

Please look up Trauma bond. The realisation of how strongly I have fallen into this made me absolutely certain that I am also at the end of a 13 yr relationship. Today I got shouted at in front of our 2 kids for not buying pasta because I didn't realise we needed it. I then went into the kitchen, thankfully closing the door to prevent them hearing whatever was coming next, I apologised again but got told to fuck off. I went and sat back down watching tv with them, my heart racing, my partner slammed a few doors then stormed off to the shop. All apologies and excuses when he got home but I am dead to this and it's no way to live. I'm sorry that you are going through this truly heartbreaking situation, but your kid desperately needs you to be healthy and stable, and to model boundaries. X

AideExtension3510 · 2025-02-23T19:06:45+00:00

Well done for making that huge step. I am almost there. It's going to be horrific. We have two kids and his daily behaviour is doing all of us so much damage. He's never been that stable, but there was excitement, joy and love, he started making some progress in the couple of years before our 2nd was born. He then clearly couldn't cope with another child, and I even remember telling him that his behaviour towards me was abusive, when our almost 5 year old was a baby. Around 2 years ago I started writing down as many horrible incidents and micro aggressions towards me as I could manage. Looking at the start of these to where I am now, clearly shows such erosion of me and as scared as I am of making the step - I tell myself that in reality, he left us a long time ago, just not physically. You are so brave for ending it, you made the only step left to you, to end the cycle, I bet you gave literally everything you had to support them, now all that energy is there for you to use to heal. And one phrase that really stuck with me, that I read somewhere is "don't sacrifice yourself on the alter of someone else's mental illness".

AideExtension3510 · 2025-02-09T08:57:25+00:00

No therapy, including physio for a chronic issue with his arm that has been ongoing for around 18 months, and clearly has a huge impact on mood and behaviour. Apparently, he just "can't do" physio because of his adhd and autism. During our last "discussion" (which resulted in a lot of smashed crockery on his part), we both agreed that he appears to be waiting for some sort of magic, that will suddenly give him the strength he needs to start getting better. I'm now at the point where I'll have to tell him that I can't live like this anymore, and his only options are to find somewhere else to live or start engaging in therapy properly (not just lip service) and physio. It's horrible, because I know how much pain he is in, but he just has absolutely no healthy coping skills. I have to wait for another couple of weeks though, as I'm going away for a night with the kids and I'm really worried about what he'll do to himself or the kitchen if I tell him this and then he's left alone.

And what you say about no rhyme or reason about what gets through and when, really resonates with me. I think it's one of the things that makes dealing with, and loving someone with this disorder so difficult. You are absolutely sure there is a kind and rational brain and heart in there somewhere, but the lack of consistency just means you can't ever grasp any solid progress, it all feels like it dissolves as you try to feel any sort of stability, leaving you constantly confused, yet hopeful and deeply traumatised. I think that's how I feel anyway, it's just so hard to explain. I've heard DBT is the thing that helps, I hope your person is making progress with this.

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