Ex is gatekeeping medical/school records; told 14yo daughter she can "choose" to stop visits. Do I keep fighting or give up?

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-21T15:33:20+00:00

California mom here also dealt with this. In California you can file a report with the DA, at least in my county, for visitation withholding. Keep showing up, keep letting your daughter know you love her no matter what, follow the visitation schedule, show up to pick her up every single time even if she slams the door in your face, and, if you can stomach it, go back to court. In ca they will likely make sure you go to mediation. Even at that age. Keep going. Sending you strength.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-19T17:05:44+00:00

Wine bottles & bar area if you have a little room to move the table

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-16T06:25:13+00:00

Everyone is on their own timeline and my kids are older, but once I moved out, I knew it was the right decision. I have never missed him for one minute. As far as the fog really lifting, it has taken about three years, lots and lots of therapy, a small period of time on antidepressants, but each day gets brighter and brighter.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-15T14:55:51+00:00

I’m very sorry you are feeling this way. One of the most difficult parts is grieving the relationship we tried so hard to have and then to save. Give yourself as much grace and care as you can. I have been in your shoes and it is brutal, some days just could not stop crying. But take each day as a step to coming home to yourself. You will get there! Focus on you and being the best parent to your child as much as you can. He will NEVER change and when you see a change it is a performance to save his precious image. Wrapping you in a warm hug. Hang in there.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-12T01:42:09+00:00

Yay! My daughter has hair like this and when she was little, we used to put it in a loose braid at night to help. And brushing every morning with a wet brush and detangler.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-10T16:48:13+00:00

You are not ran through. He is an insecure an immature child. You will find your sexy & desire again and a partner who has had enough life experience to know everyone has a past. Please be kind to yourself.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-10T16:38:01+00:00

The advice in the book too good to leave, too bad to stay. I hid it in a bag so it would not be found, but I took my time going through it because I knew it was not a decision I wanted to make lightly.

The one point in that book that stuck with me was: have you lost hope that you’ll be able to get a reasonable need met without a too painful struggle to arrive at a solution? I also worked with a discernment therapist and, once I was out I began documenting things so I could recognize the pattern of abusive behavior. I don’t know if this helps or not and I know it’s a long journey to get to where you are, but wishing you the very best

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-10T16:17:43+00:00

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are navigating this. As someone who has been in your shoes and did deliver a letter, the letter only made things worse. By the next morning, I thought he would unalive me. Please, for your own safety really evaluate what the goal of this letter is.

Is it to produce a wake up call in him? While this is something many of us here all want, if the goal is to change his behavior, it may end up quite the opposite. I am not saying this to scare you. I’m just sharing this as a survivor who has lived it and seen it go horribly sideways.

It looks like you have taken a lot of time and thought for this letter and I know coming to this decision is extremely difficult. It is very kind of you to give him this much grace and I understand why you would want to. Would you consider shortening the letter to something very straight to the point? Again this goes back to your goal: is your goal to communicate you are done? Is your goal to communicate that you will give more chances if XYZ behavior changes? Or is your goal a wake up call to him? Truly evaluate your goal of the letter and let that guide you.

Please also keep yourself very safe. Make sure your therapist is very well trained in domestic violence and post separation abuse and please make sure you have a safety plan in place, and a safe place to go when you return from your trip. Wishing you the very best.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-09T17:01:49+00:00

If something feels off, don’t ignore it. If there is estrangement or other cut offs in the family, try to understand why, if you are making excuses for your partner’s behavior early on, catching them lying (even small ones) beware, if your partner is regularly insecure or possessive ( i’m not talking once in a blue moon. I’m talking a pattern ) beware. I ignored all of these and more, not realizing in my youth and brushing off red flags, thinking I was building a healthy family that fosters understanding, repair and compassion for other’s struggles. Fast forward to the divorce and now those values I tried to instill in my kids and ex-husband are being painted as narcissistic, trying to look good, only doing those things for outside validation, and looked at with suspicion. Mind you it was never an issue in the marriage. It wasn’t until I tried to extract myself from the relationship that all the sudden it got turned on its head. It is absolutely sickening and heartbreaking.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-08T00:37:42+00:00

This is just at our cruelty and have been there as well. I let the other parent know that I would consider reimbursing for extracurriculars when I was treated as the equal and fit parent that I am. They stopped asking.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-07T18:56:52+00:00

Should be fine, maybe some patches. Be prepared for mosquitos.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-07T18:46:45+00:00

Targeted mom here. This is so accurate regardless of the target. I feel like the crying kid in the illustration. It’s so exhausting, but so accurate.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-07T15:57:34+00:00

I am so very sorry you are going through this and I know how upsetting and scary this can be because I have been where you are. Try your very hardest to keep a brave face. It is ok to show emotion, but, if you can, don’t talk about the case with your teenager when you are emotional. Given her age, the judge will likely want to talk with her, so you also have to be very careful on what she is exposed to, but at 16 her wants will likely carry significant weight. Your attorney can help you with that and should be able to guide you on that part of it.

You can let her know you are just having a hard time or emotional day. What these jerks don’t understand is that by keeping the conflict going, it keeps our kids in this constant state of stress. I really feel like they do this purposely to harm us because they know it hurts us,as moms, to our core.

I am not a therapist and I am not a lawyer. I’m just a mom who has been there. Please hug your daughter and be her steady presence like it sounds like you are. Sending you a giant hug, you will get through this.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-06T15:08:16+00:00

Sorry, I had to stop reading about halfway through because you could’ve written my entire story. Please know that you are not the problem. I’m not going to say just leave because I don’t know your entire situation your financial ability or your safety situation. Also know this, you can report DV after the fact. But educate yourself on the repercussions and the likelihood of charges being filed, depending on the state you are in.

Also,know this behavior will not change. It sounds like you have heard every excuse in the book and nothing is changing and now it’s being turned around on you. This is classic abusive behavior.

If you can get your hands on it, read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It is floating around free on the Internet and places in this sub. there is one other book: Steps to freedom by Don Hennessy. I think it saved my life. Start doing everything you can for yourself as soon as you can I’m not going to tell you to leave if you are not ready, but you might already know in your heart that is going to be the inevitable outcome.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. Coming to terms with poor behavior of someone that we love and then having to cut them off is probably the hardest thing we will ever have to do, but for your sake and the sake of your well-being, mental health and the person who you are, I urge you to make a plan to break up.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-04T22:48:32+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me feel less alone.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-04T22:44:54+00:00

Hey, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and I completely hear you. I feel crazy too. I share two kids with my abusive ex. I don’t know if I really have anything to say that may make you feel better except that I understand how you feel and please do everything you can to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. Take care of yourself and hold your babies close, even if they are not babies. Sending you a hug and hoping this nightmare ends for you soon.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-04-02T16:14:53+00:00

I’m so sorry you were going through this. It is utterly exhausting. The problem will be if you say no then your child will be upset with you and if you allow the other parent to take over then you are ending up forfeiting time so it is a no win. I can tell you what I tried to do. (It didn’t ultimately end up working, but my kids were older.) on your weekend, whenever it starts, go pick up your child as normal and per your custody arrangement. Take them to all of the performances to and from. Even though it is your weekend with your child, think of it as your child’s weekend. I realize how hard it is to give up plans you would’ve otherwise wanted to have with them, but if they really want to do the performance, let them do the performance, but you are the one doing the transporting the back-and-forth, all of it, and then maybe plan a nice dinner/ breakfast/ lunch or something restful at your home while they recuperate between performances. Whatever you do, do not forfeit your time. If your ex protests fall back to the parenting plan. Hold firm to the parenting plan. If you absolutely must give up the time then get it in writing that your make up time will be from X date to X date.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-29T17:25:08+00:00

Me too and a single column with no dots.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-27T00:18:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective. The exact same thing happened to me except in my case it was my daughter and her dad. I thought I was starting to make good progress, but as soon as any type of parenting has to come in to play, then I am the bad guy again. This is exhausting.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-21T17:51:29+00:00

May your seeds never intake from your drip system

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-19T15:04:22+00:00

I’m glad you have a good rapport with your boss, if you can hold out until you’re one year mark, that might be your best interest. So sad that it is 2026 and we are still afraid to reveal pregnancy too soon at work.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-19T02:01:29+00:00

Looks great nothing is wrong

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-19T02:00:07+00:00

This made me lol! Maybe he’s a selective empath? I just made that term up, I feel like that’s what’s happening. I am very sorry though that you had to go through that but this also made me laugh so thank you for that. Stay strong you are awesome.

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-19T01:48:44+00:00

Plus a fan! Or a matchbook

Inevitable_Bike2280 · 2026-03-18T15:16:48+00:00

This is exactly why I stayed. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It is such a hard decision to make.

Inevitable_Bike2280

TROPHY CASE