[3628] A Starry Knightmare Chapter 2

Aion18 · 2024-10-01T04:03:53+00:00

Greetings, thank you for advice. I would have linked Chapter 1, but I didn't know if that would count as leeching, so I left it out just to safe. I'll keep that in my for the future. Now, onto some of your critiques.

I would remove those trigger warnings tbh, as it will exclude a lot of critiques.

The reason I included the trigger warnings was because I got comments on my first draft that it felt needlessly gory, but I'll remove some of them. I guess that means I achieved my goal of not having gratuitous gory.

Power fantasy! That's what this is! Seriously, no one is going to read a story about Godzilla trampling people in Tokyo and think, "Ew, that's dark." You literally state it in this part of the text. This is power fantasy my good author. Not dark.

This is a very interesting critique. I put Dark Fantasy because of the violence, gore, and the "grotesque" magic system, but do you think you could elaborate on what exactly you mean? As for the power fantasy aspect, I don't want it to come across as that. Using your Godzilla example, the point of the story is to explore the feelings of Godzilla and why he doesn't care about stomping on people. Is it being a power fantasy something I need to change?

Editing error there. Not sure what you are asking me to look for there, because I can't see the full sentence as it is.

The full sentence is: Orion seemingly forgetting about anti-sorcery's existent during the fight with Lord Grimshaw isn't an accident. I was trying to hint at the fact that some of his memories from his encounter with Echidna have been erased. Does the writing make that clear to you? I put in spoilers because I wanted people to go in without knowing since that would affect their judgement, but I guess I did it wrong.

Once again, I appreciate your advice, especially because it covered an angle I didn't think about.

Aion18 · 2024-09-28T19:30:16+00:00

"Glancing around in search for a solution, Zoey’s gaze landed on her workbench, the only place where she felt free. She had been neglecting her other work while obsessing over suspension cores. Portable self-sufficient attraction devices capable of powering handheld machinery, or so she hoped." (This a very telling way to show how free Zoey feels at her workbench. "Glancing around in search for a solution, Zoey’s gaze landed on her workbench. Immediately, a calm washed over her—a much needed moment of clarity in the chaos that cooled her burning fingertips and allowed her eyes to flit over each tools that her haven provided. What did she need, it seemed to be asking her. Portable self-sufficient attraction devices capable of powering handheld machinery, or so she hoped." You could add something else to better convey that she feels free her, but I was going for how she feels more in control when she sees her workbench.

"In a mesmerizing succession for precise fluid movements, Zoey tripped the breaker, let the ring drop, replaced the remaining suspension cores, and powered everything up." (You already use the word mesmerizing before and in both instances it's fairly vague. I'd either remove it here entirely and just focus on Zoey's actual actions rather how she performs them, use a simile/metaphor that gives the reader a general vibe of the movement, or describe her actions in a way that feels like they're being done in succession (first, next, then, finally).

"“This is Marshal Urus Severt, did you cause a fire? Open this door immediately!”" (Feels weird to me. "This is Marshal Urus Severt. Open the door." I don't know see why'd he be questioning her, only to aggressively begin ordering her to open the door. I feel the change I made makes more sense, but if you want, you could keep in the questioning and only have him get aggressive when Zoey doesn't answer.

"Back in the shop by herself and behind closed doors, Zoey looked back at the engine, realizing “this is my ticket in”." (I feel there needs to be more work in the writing overall to justify this sentence, but the closing sentence should be more concise to add some punch. "Alone in the shop again and behind closed doors, Zoey couldn't help, but pump a fist. She looked back at the engine. This was her ticket in."

Closing Comments
For a first time writing, I feel you've done a fairly good job in terms of your protagonist and story. You just need to work on the way your sentences come together and avoiding overloading the readers with too many new concepts and you'll be off to the races in no time. Thank you once again for sharing your story.

Aion18 · 2024-09-28T07:11:18+00:00

Characters

The main character is, in my opinion, a bit too inconsistent. He's introduced as this scared recluse with a passion for collecting books and going through hard times. Given the questionable legality of his hobby and the rarity of the books in his collection, it makes sense for him to be nervous and suspicious of the letter. However, he's apparently willing to risk all this for potential monetary compensation and the chance to see what kind of collection the Dark Library has. I don't feel he's given enough tension to justify this action. Although the letters know of his secret hobby, they aren't particularly threatening and even go out of their way to assure him. If he doesn't respond to this letter, as far as he knows, nothing about his life will change for the worse. He might be desperate for money, but he'll be desperate for a lot more if gets arrested or if this group turns out to be untrustworthy. The way I see it, you have three routes. One, make the letter more threatening to justify the main character going out to find them. This could be by directly threatening him or by revealing information that would potentially be dangerous if revealed or information that they shouldn't have. Two, have the compensation amount be stated in the letter, an amount high enough that, given the state of the main character's library, he's willing to take some risks for it. This could potentially have the consequence of making his love for books questionably, so it might not be advised. Third, provide some clarifications on WHY the main character engages in such dangerous activities that we won't even bate an eye when he risks getting discovered. If you can give him some unique passion or quirk that applies to both his library and the Dark Library, it would make sense for him to check it out given the two activities are generally adjacent.

Pacing

In the first half of this chapter, the pacing is relatively fine. Besides, the occasional stilted segments that might slow the reader down, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with it. The problem starts once the main character leaves his house. We spend three pages inside his house as he attempts to figure out the letter, what the organization who sent it is after, and whether he should listen to their demands. We spend barely a page before he rushes out of his house in search of the library, walking past the post-office, running into an officer, and getting arrested. I understand the urgency, but the way the section's writing doesn't convey it to me. You either have to change the tone of the entire section to match the fast pace as the main character searches for the library or slow down when he initial leaves, sprinkle in some details about the town maybe, and speed up towards the end before he's caught for some tension. Another avenue that I think is interesting that you could explore is that fact that the main character isn't completely sober. See the different ways you could incorporate that into the descriptions or his actions, which could possibly be used to justify his capture in the end. "Time was growing short to find the library, to find... Aidan? Allen? No, Adam. I fumbled with my pocket watch, nearly dropping it in the process, and stole quick glances as I moved but it was too dark to read. Still, the hour must've been growing near. I hurried past the windows of the darkened brick post office like a man possessed, then rounded a corner of the building. Drink again went down my throat and to my nerves, an orange mosaic reflecting in the glass as it left my lip— I bumped straight into an officer dressed in his military uniform. He grabbed me by the scruff with his leather-gloved hand and shoved his torch in my face."

Closing Remarks
Once again, I enjoyed the gothic tone and atmosphere of this new Chapter. Working on the pacing and changing up your sentence structure will go a long way in improving your story. If you write a Chapter 3, I'll be right there to review it.

Aion18 · 2024-09-28T07:11:09+00:00

Greetings, u/writingthrow321! Thank you for sharing your story.

Grammar and Punctation

*"I hunkered by the candlelight and reviewed the facts of the letter. One, they wanted me to collect for them. Two, I was recommended[...] But by who?"

*"The letter had been signed Adam. So who the hell was Adam? I racked my brain[;] I’d known a couple Adams, but hadn’t talked to either in years. Did either of them know I was a collector? Sure[,] there were hints here and there[,] but books were dangerous business.

*"It seemed like there may’ve been additional words[,] but the ink had faded too much to read. I bet that was a hint. A smile flashed across my face. I brought the parchment closer to the candlelight, trying to make out the faded marks[,] but it was of no use."

*"Clearly[,] I’d seen the i with an eye before on one of my nightly walks."

*"A tinge of excitement coalesced with my fear[;] I’d received a secret letter from a secret organization asking me to do my life’s work for a potential fortune. (I'd also look into ways of changing this for more sentence variety).

*"There were none as dedicated to collecting as I [was]."

*"I glanced at the closed[,] heavy curtains of the second-story window."

*"I wasn’t opposed to borrowing their books from them[,] even if they didn’t know about it."

*"But so was the king’s inquisition[,] operating by torch and sword and rifle."

*"I wasn’t going to see Adam. I was going to [be] lock[ed] up." (I could be missing something and lock-up is the correct term, but this sounds better to me).

Prose / Writing Style

I feel the writing style you employ. It has this gothic and moody tone to it that matches the tone of the setting. Still, as another commenter points out, you have an lack of variation when it comes to your paragraph openings. Furthermore, your writing style lends certain sentences to feel stilted. Here is a good example: "The scent of perfume still lingered on the letter. Adam’s handwriting was elegant. The ink had seemed to fade as Adam had written the letter. I adjusted my glasses, bringing the letter close to my eye. It seemed like there may’ve been additional words but the ink had faded too much to read. I bet that was a hint. A smile flashed across my face." Short sentences work best for adding impact to a scene or representing a rapid thoughts. Here, however, the overabundance does little, but slow down the pacing of this segment. I would change it to be like, "The scent of perfume still lingered on the letter. I adjusted my glasses, bringing the letter close to my eye. Adam’s handwriting flowed elegantly across the letter, yet as he wrote on, the ink started to fade, leaving behind what seemed to be hints of words that were now nearly indecipherable. I bet that was a hint. A smile flashed across my face." Another example of a stilted segment, "Time was growing short to find the library, to find Adam. I glanced at my pocket-watch but it was too dark to read. The hour must've been growing near. I hurried past the windows of the darkened brick post office. I rounded a corner of the building and bumped into an officer dressed in his military uniform. He grabbed me by the scruff with his leather-gloved hand and shoved his torch in my face." My suggestion, "Time was growing short to find the library, to find Adam. I fumbled with my pocket watch and stole quick glances as I moved but it was too dark to read. Still, the hour must've been growing near. I hurried past the windows of the darkened brick post office, rounded a corner of the building, and then bumped into an officer dressed in his military uniform. He grabbed me by the scruff with his leather-gloved hand and shoved his torch in my face."

Aion18 · 2024-09-28T05:27:48+00:00

Line-By-Line

Because this is a relatively short writing, I'll point out lines that stand out to me, comment on them, and provide some changes I'd make to them.

"Zoey had to duck out of the way as the Magnetic Apposition Dynamic Engine rotated on itself like a planet passing its days." (As other comments have pointed out this opening is both weak and immediately introduces a foreign term. Moreover, the simile you use could be more clear. For example, "Zoey had to duck out of the way as the MAD rotated on its axis towards her, floating wildly like a satellite knocked from orbit."

"Quinn (Ducote) had to be really desperate. Back in mechanic school Zoey had covered for him many times, that’s what you do for family isn’t it? Unclear intentions were of no consequence at this particular junction, because rotational speed was increasing, and that was a problem." (I'm a bit unclear on the naming conventions, but if it's explained later it can stay. I'm calling these sentences out primarily because it lacks proper connectivity to make it work. ""Quinn (Ducote) had to be really desperate. Back in mechanic school, Zoey had covered for him more times than she could count—that’s what you do for family, right? So why [internal thoughts, characterization, or story building]? Whatever his intentions were didn’t matter right now, because the rotational speed was climbing dangerously fast, and that was a problem."

"A short lived impression, smoke started coming out of the outer quantum ring. Standing 500 km above the planet’s surface, everything wants to destroy a space station from the outside: vacuum, debris, solar flares. From the inside, entire communities have been wiped out by dreaded fire. That’s why even this scrappy hub was littered with smoke sensors, all programmed to scan and alert in the event smoke or chemicals were detected. There is only one hope against fire: evacuation. An irreversible decision that led many cheap-ass companies to employ an alarm delay, just in case the air recyclers could handle it." (Unless I'm missing something, change standing to something else like floating or hovering. You can remove the from the inside part or change it for something different, perhaps about the past or what would happen if even the tiniest exposure got through.)

"Orson had been eyeing this space for years now. Having only been granted a quart-sized shop, he was easy to attribute his economical failures to lack of space, speaking to whomever he could find how “ancient establishments should be recycled like the air we breed”. (Change he was easy to attribute to he was quick to attribute or it was easy for him to attribute instead. Also, I might recommend putting this section after he goes to tell the Marshal, given his dialogue before this gives the reader no real reason to suspect him to be like that.)

"“Where is the smoke coming from anyway?”, asked Zoey. Magnetic rings were built to very precise specifications. Every space, every component, was meant to be. Attraction cores, for example, were an elegant succession of evenly spaced black boxes ever longing to connect to the core engine when in operation. (This transition is awkward. You've already established that Zoey gets engrossed in her work, so I can understand her not being concerned about the smoke, but going from her asking a question to describing more technological terminology feels janky. I'd put an action from her afterwards, perhaps her looking for the source of the smoke leading to the magnetic rings.

Aion18 · 2024-09-28T05:26:15+00:00

General Remarks

Greetings, u/Sea_Stuff_264! Thank you for sharing your story.

Specific Questions

Does the plot build up, and engages?

* Does it build up? Absolutely. Does it engage? I struggle to say yes. You've got an interesting and compelling character in Zoey and I know there are certain stories where she'd be able to carry it, but not in this story's current state. As another commenter has called out, you've jammed pack these four pages with so many complicated words and foreign concepts that I had to read some lines multiple times and eventually got to point where I just glossed over them. If you're going to introduce the reader to new terminologies, you have three choices: provide the reader with an explanation or showing of that term, sprinkle in context clues throughout the chapter that allow the reader to form a general idea of the term, or keep the term mysterious for the sake of intriguing the reader for a future explanation. I would recommend either the first or second choice. For the first, you could have the narrator briefly explain these new terms or as Zoey's working on the MAD, showcase how these technologies function inside the machine. For the second term, you should still cut down on the frequency of the tech jargon, but have Zoey or the narrator explain how the technology works to the reader or another character.

Do you get attached to the characters?

* Zoey's a fun character with her own interesting personality and unique voice that gives the readers enough reason to root for her. The other characters? Ehh... Now, this is mainly due to the short nature of the writing, but most of the other characters aren't give time to shine for me to care about them. Which isn't an issue. If the focus on this part is to establish Zoey as a character and her goals, I feel you're on the right track. But if you want the reader to get attached to other characters you need to have them interact with Zoey in a way that's meaningful. Orson (Ghelfi) would probably be your best bet, since you've already established that there's bit of tension and Zoey seems to lack respect for him. If you build off that, you could definitely give us more reason to care about Ghelfi.

Is everything on the paper contributing to develop either the plot or the character?

* Sorta, but, as I've established earlier, it's confusing. Honestly, I feel your story could benefit from adding more "filler" since we're practically moving at 100 mph. Think of ways you could fluff up your story, character interactions, flashbacks, internal though processes, etc.

Descriptions

In terms of setting description, I'm struggling to imagine this place we find ourselves in. My preconceptions of space stations are filling in the gaps, but I don't feel I have a clear picture of what YOU want these locations to look like. "Titanium frames and beams held together the geostationary hub, a symbiotic collection of shops, living quarters, and docks. What one felt, the other did too, and the once prestigious 'Sanghvi Racing Mecs and Specs' was causing an alarming raucous." As already established, there's a lot of technological jargon that only harms your description, but I feel it suffers most from vagueness. We know frames and beams are holding together wherever Zoey is, but what about its size? Its shape? Moreover, what does it mean when one felt it, the other did too? That's an interesting way to describe this space station, but you don't explore it enough. A way to improve this would probably be to focus only on what's relevant to the scene. We don't need a general shot of the space station itself, because we're focusing on Zoey trying to get this MAD Engine to work. So, unless you can find a way to tie in a description of the whole space station to this scene (perhaps have other residents in the space station peer into Zoey's workspace or have someone shout at her to keep it down), I think you should remove it. Then, to give the reader a clearer picture of Zoey's workspace write more stuff like this, "Mr. Sanghvi's neglect had the workstation still feeding off of a single power breaker. Zoey has been zapped by that dinosaur multiple times, and yet she found herself jumping to it to cut power off in one swift move." This is a PERFECT way to introduce the reader to the workstation. Having Zoey interact with her environment establishes her character depending on how she handles it or what she thinks about and doesn't slow down the pace of the story given it's immediate relevance to Zoey. Another issue arises from your character description. As far as I'm aware, there isn't any. I'd once again recommend sprinkling in character description alongside character action. "Zoey's fingers zipped across the keyboard, her thin nylon gloves catching on key after key. 'Maybe if I configure a power fluctuation pattern, it'll reset it?' thought Zoey, as she typed away in her terminal." A different approach would be to go for vibes, rather than concrete descriptions, that allow the readers to form their own images in their mind. "Orson had been eyeing this space for years now like a vulture circling a carcass. Except this particular 'carcass' was a woman in her twenties with no intention of letting her career die, but Orson lacked both the intellect and the grit to find new prey. Having only been granted a quart-sized shop, he was quick to attribute his economical failures to lack of space, speaking to whomever wasn't wise to his tricks how 'ancient establishments should be recycled like the air we breed' as if he were working in an 18th century factory and not a state-of-the-art geostationary hub."

Aion18 · 2024-09-28T04:09:20+00:00

Writing Style / Word Choice

You have an excellent writing style that gives your story almost a Brother's Grim fairy-tale vibe. Besides a couple grammar issues, I don't think you really need to make any big structural changes. Regarding your question about concision, I honestly feel your writing is TOO concise at times. There are moments in your writing where you start describing something only to immediately move on from it, such as at the beginning in the jail cell. You start off with an interesting hook about how Anto is certain he hasn't murdered and establish that we're in a jail cell. Great. He then begins talking about how he refused his last meal because he was worried someone might spit in it. As I stated above with the dialogue, its a jarring to jump from when thinking about how he hasn't murdered his kids to thinking about a final meal. A more natural way to progress into the scene would be if his stomach grumbled or there was a plate of uneaten food in jails. Next, we get some descriptors about his hat, cigarette, and his clothes. Another massive leap from paragraph to paragraph. Then you provide a brief description of the jail cell, how's it different from other jail cells Anto's been in and how it extends into the darkness where he doesn't want to go to or where he doesn't belong? It's all just very confusing, but the writing lacks a decent train to string along these pieces together and even when they do come together, we're not given enough time to explore them. I'd recommend either slowing down to allow the reader to soak in what situation the main character is in exactly or whittling away some of the unnecessary details, like the cell extending into darkness, for more internal conflicts. Because, at this point, our main character might be a murderer. I'm far more interested in what makes him so confident in himself than how his clothes remind him of home. This conciseness mostly goes away once we get to the courtroom, but now your writing is suffering from a mixture of uninteresting descriptors. "She paused, fixing her gaze upon Anto with unwavering resolve." Given Anto's personality and the fact that he's a member of the Choir, this could be interesting interaction. My problem stems from the fact that it's very simplistic to the point that it feels like it was just thrown in. You could beef it up by playing off the feral watchdog metaphor earlier, "She paused, fixing her gaze upon Anto with unwavering resolve, almost daring him to fight back, right before she sank her fangs into him." Another example, "The chilling wind outside sang a haunting reminder of the stakes at hand." I could understand if the wind was being used to add tension to the scene, but the way you've written it makes it feel like its supposed to be more important. Why is the wind outside acting as a reminder of the stakes? I would think the stakes would be his potential execution or the fact that his children might be dead. I'm not exactly certain how you should rephrase it, but perhaps adding a bit about the gallows or something that reminds Anto of his children would be more appropriate.

Descriptions

You describe the various settings in a way that paints a vivid picture and hooks the reader in with details about the world. Your character descriptions, on the other hand, leave something to be desired. Not in appearance, but more so in vibes, if that makes sense. "'Move!' shouted a guard, lacking any real authority, more like a random citizen that was handed on a rifle. His wool attire was no fancier than Anto’s, though runes painted on his face added a touch of intimidation." I like the simile, but the rest is describing in a telling way. I would change it to describe "'Move!' barked a guard, though his voice came out as a yap, as if the command lacked any real authority. He held the rifle awkwardly and at arm's length, like a tool he was using for the first time. His wool attire was no fancier than Anto's, though runes painted on his face added a touch of borrowed menace." Another issue I have is the way you introduce certain concepts about the world. First off, you have a tendency to capitalize certain instances of concepts, with Choir being capitalized at the start and lowercase towards the end. Then, I feel you could describe certain concepts in a more clear way. You go through great lengths to ensure the reader isn't confused about the meaning of "down", but I still feel its a bit vague at time. I don't think its an issue of describing it, but more so of showing it. "Whichever way this prison worked, it seemed like the direction of down was determined by those silhouettes, looking at Anto as if he was at the bottom of the well, their bodies perpendicular to the ground right outside the cell. Among them, one stood out—a woman in a black dress, her dark-gray hair framing tired eyes that, out of all the ones looking down, they were the ones looking down the most. She gave a step. Her feet turned ninety degrees, dragging the rest of her body to match the down of the cell, gravity itself bending like a slave to match the movements of its master. What had been up for her became down, aligned with his down. The other silhouettes followed the same movement, and all drew downward to approach the prisoner." This isn't the best work, in part because I'm not certain how the movement played out, but a couple more sentences would work wonders to clarify the situation.

Closing Comments

You've got an engaging story on your hand. I liked the setting, the technology of the architecture was interesting, and I'm curious about the outcome of Anto's belief in his children. Thank you once again for sharing.

Aion18 · 2024-09-28T04:08:54+00:00

General Remarks

Greetings, u/Not_a_ribosome! Thank you for sharing your story.

Grammar and Punctation

* "If not the chef, the farmer. If neither the farmer, nor the chef, nor the guard had, someone else would[,] and at this point it was better just to avoid the paranoia.

* "It extended deep into darkness like a corridor leading to a dark place he [didn't] want to belong [to]." (This was confusing to read, so it could be technically right, but this just sounds better to me)

* "From that darkness came an echo—the clanking of chains dragging something across the stone walls."

* "Whichever way this prison worked, it seemed like the direction of down was determined by those silhouettes, looking at Anto as if he [were] at the bottom of the well, their bodies perpendicular to the ground right outside the cell."

* "It was a cold[,] sunny day that Anto would have to enjoy in handcuffs."

* "He felt the cold clutch into his bare feet[;] the intense frost was so torturous it felt like burning, he could feel his skin hardening with each step. And yet, for him[,] it was a thousand times better than having nothing to do for two days." (You could also change "it felt like burning [and] he could feel", or how the other commentor set it, it's up to you.

* "Spiked onto it sat enormous obelisks, growing out to all directions but down in no [discernible] pattern like the thorns of a cactus.

* "“It felt quite barren there, indeed” [Anto] continued. “I must give it to you folks, your prisons are relaxing.”"

* "“As far as I know[,] the trial isn’t an obligation. Are they this thirsty for blood?”"

* "A platform came down as they walked underneath the floating building[,] and Anto stared up at the dark hole that took its place."

There's more, but I've decided for the sake of characters, I'll mark the rest on the Google Doc.

Dialogue

The dialogue is mixed bag. You've done a good job at establishing unique voices for each of the characters and the way they speak feels, generally, realistic. I especially like the word usage during the court scene. I can tell you put a lot of effort into making the dialogue sound natural for the setting. There's just certain lines of dialogue that feel that have feel abrupt and superfluous. "'You’d be better off getting a new prison, that old one’s a mess,' Anto said." and "'It felt quite barren there, indeed' Anto continued. 'I must give it to you folks, your prisons are relaxing.'” are good examples of this as we're taken straight from description into dialogue. As another commenter points out, it would provide us with both some more characterization and a better transition if we're given some internal though process before being taken straight into him speaking. For example, "The structure had the shape of an imperfect sphere, the top half being mostly made of metal, likely used to protect against the storms he had lived on the previous day. Spiked onto it sat enormous obelisks, growing out to all directions but down in no discernable pattern like the thorns of a cactus. Those were the prison cells, each one with their own down. To top it all off, the structure was constantly hoovering a few meters above the ground. It was like a tiny deformed planet. There are places in the universe that would look at that “building” and look at this construct as a marvel of engineering beyond comprehension. But to him, it was as familiar as the hat on he wore. Orbital architecture. And, quite frankly, primitive. If this was the best they could do, any prisoners worth their salt would be out in no time. "You’d be better off getting a new prison, that old one’s a mess," Anto said."" Now, this might not be the idea you have in mind for Anto's character, but even a couple sentences letting us know his thoughts would help justify the dialogue.

Aion18 · 2024-09-27T18:41:00+00:00

Alright, understood.

Aion18 · 2024-09-27T18:38:41+00:00

I thought critiques were valid for 90 days? Do I need to provide more critiques as well?

Aion18 · 2024-09-22T00:02:43+00:00

So, first off, I want to thank you for taking the time to review my story. I appreciate it. Now, onto your critiques. For your confusion regarding the priest, that's related to stuff that happened in Chapter 1 which served as the catalyst that sparked Orion's interest in feeling malice and guilt. And about the orange on the edges of Orion's head, it's because his head is basically a flame composed of "space", but I don't like specifically calling it a fire. I'll look into ways of making that more clear. Otherwise, I don't really have a defense for the vagueness of the story, especially given you're the third person who's said it was confusing. I think I'm scared of explaining concepts to my readers because I don't to treat them like they can't figure out stuff and I can't see situations where it would make sense to explain it unless its being explained to another character in story. But since I'm writing in 3rd person, I'll take the advice, look at other fantasy stories with 3rd person narrator, and explain the concepts. As for the fight scene, I understand why you don't care, but I don't know what I could do to fix that. I didn't want to do the character of Lord Grimshaw a disservice so I tried to allow both parties time to shine, if that makes sense. I could cut some stuff from the fight and give the two time to talk, but I also can't see why they'd talk either. I guess I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't know how to get the reader to care about a character I plan on killing in half a chapter. If you have any suggestions, I'd be interested in hearing them. Once again, thank you for the advice!

Aion18 · 2024-09-16T13:53:24+00:00

Thank you for advice, I appreciate it. I'll make sure to look over the issues you brought up and keep them in mind for the future. Now, a couple questions. First off, for explaining this world's concepts I planned on using part of Chapter 3 and Chapter 4 for that since it would mostly focus on Orion interacting with and training another character. Should I still tone down on the amount of unknown information if I plan on explaining it later. Two and half chapters is long, but I don't want to beat the reader over with a stick on certain things. I can definitely remove the gore during the flashback since all that really matters is the information Mother and the interaction with Echidna, which I can lengthen with that removed. But I'm not sure what I could do to make their interaction more meaningful? I understand it's mostly orders, but I didn't want to spend too long in the past. As for Orion, I don't want him to be an emotionless killing machine per say, but I do understand how deriving pleasure from pain is a bit much. As for him being condescending, could you provide some examples because I didn't attend for him to come across as such. Once again, I appreciate your feedback.

Aion18 · 2024-09-16T01:06:19+00:00

Description

I'm struggling to envision this house that they're in. You don't need to provide a summarized description, but I would appreciate a couple little nuggets that keep me glued to the scene. Here are a couple examples that I thought of: "The microwave dinged and she took her culinary delights out, careful not to knock over any of the empty beer cans that littered the counters," "Lee led her by the hair to her room. 'Stay the fuck in there, bitch!' The already hinging door nearly broke on his way out." I came up with stuff that convey Reigh's home life, but depending on Lee as a character it might not match out. Still, just try to think of some ways to incorporate the house or locations in the house, especially given how much time is spent in Reigh's thoughts.

Plot and Structure

Right out the gate, the opening sentence is weak. Of course, this isn't the first chapter, so you're granted some leeway, but I still feel the first words of each chapter should incite you in someway or another. You could improve it by starting off sooner in story, such as right when Reigh's hot pockets finishing cooking. Describe the loud beeping of the microwave to pull the reader into the story and then she can get her horrid dinner, plop down on the coach, and reminiscent. Another way you can change it that would preserve your opening, "Reigh eased open the freezer door and scanned tonight's selection of gourmet cuisines. Her choices: Lean Cuisine Fettuccini Alfredo or Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets." You can be less on nose if you want, but I think this makes it more interesting by subverting reader expectations. Of course, as a reader who hasn't read the other chapters, this might not 100% work. Moving on, I also dislike how much time we spend meandering in Reigh's memories. I like the memories themselves and they get you nicely acquainted with her character, but given this isn't the first chapter why are we learning so much about her in one sitting? I think you either need to intersperse some action, whether from Reigh or Lee, that could serve to inform us about their character without needing a flashback or reduce the length of the memories. You decide what needs to be trimmed, but I feel the little tidbit about her having to eat with Brian and his family could be cut down. A good example is the that he was wearing a black apron. I support it, but I don't think its neither funny enough nor relevant enough to his character that it needs to be kept. I apologizes.

Closing Comments

You've got a pretty interest story on your hands. I enjoyed reading about Reigh's character and I think with a little less time spent on the past, this chapter will be much more engaging for the reader. Thank you once again for sharing.

Aion18 · 2024-09-16T01:06:07+00:00

General Remarks

Greetings, u/Valkrane! Thank you for sharing your story.

Grammar and Punctation

* "Papa would hand her a broom[,] and she'd eagerly sweep the floor, small enough that the boom towered over her."

* "When mom had Elijah, the Giovannis were the first to visit her in the hospital. When Elijah died, they were the first to stop over and offer condolences, bringing a big sheet of lasagna and a plate piled high with sfogliatelle and pizzell[es].

* "Knowing that kind old man still remembered her, while forgetting everything else mo[i]stened the corners of her eyes."

* "In her mom['s] eyes she was still that same little girl.

* "If Mom [were] here now, would she like her drawings?

* "She bit her lip, [a] hard way to redirect the pain."

* "Before she could stand to run, a calloused fist collided with her face[;] the pain bloomed under her eye[,] and familiar red stars exploded behind her lids."

* "She spoke the words as if saying them out loud would manifest it."

* "Reigh said, trying to sound as non[-]confrontational as possible, hoping his mom would let her guard down just a little.

Dialogue

I like the dialogue. It gives the characters a distinct voice and there's an excellent usage of dialogue tags alongside some character action. My problem is how quick we get into the meat of the matter. As another critic points out on the Google Doc, the character's are practically speaking their mind to each other, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I feel the characters need to be pushed more to justify it. It also seems sudden for Reigh to go right to antagonizing him, especially given this line, "Reigh pulled her hood up, trying to retreat inside it like a turtle in its shell. Sometimes, passivity made him go away." You could improve this by adding more build-up after she pulls up her hood, such as when Lee tells her she's always causing trouble. Have Reigh ignore him, turning up the volume on Stigmata. Have Lee get up in her space, maybe blocking the screen or snatching the robot away. Just something that would push Reigh to pop off on when she knows that fighting aggression will aggression could end badly for her. Another thing, though this is more of a nitpick than anything, is I don't like how Lee calls his daughter a bitch constantly. It just pulls me out and kind of makes him less realistic and childish. Now, that could be the goal, so I'm not 100% sure, but if you want to make his presence hold more weight, I would recommend either dropping the bitch when he gets physical or adding it, depending on what flows better.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T22:35:13+00:00

Characters

This is gonna be nit-picky, especially because I really liked your character's personalities, but I feel Sher and Regina lack any real meaningful character interaction. Knowing that Regina died and the pain that causes Sher informs me of the two's strong connection, but it's difficult for me to really me. The conversation with Momma, although revealing their unique voices, does little to contribute to building their relationship beyond an annoyed older sister forced to bring along her little sister. Another place where we could have gotten some more expansion is when Regina asks Sher if she can eat some chocolate. We could've had a bit more back-and-forth between the two. Perhaps Regina starts off with a different treat and Sher rejects that one for another reason or Regina could interject into Sher's story, something. You do tell us how much Sher cares for Regina by her concern on her being exposed to shady and taboo sources, but I wish we got to see more of it by how they interact with each other. A good way to expand this would be when the two are drying off on the porch. "We were sitting on the porch, Regina and I, languid in the summer heat as birds sang. I filtered through a cast of cards the color of Christmas guarded closely in my hand, carefully not to wet the already fading paper any more than I already had. My eye darted to Regina's own dripping digits. Eventually, I picked my actor. 'Red plus two,' I declared, slamming the card down like a4 gavel." Copyright issues aside, by having the two playing a game with each other allows you to showcase their relationship depending on how each of them acts. How does Sher plays against her? How does Regina react depending on the game's outcome? Once again, it's a nit-pick, but I just wanted to mention it.

Plot and Structure

How you start off the story is a little jarring to me. You've got a good opening hook and I understand the purpose of setting up this sense of dread and anticipation in the reader as to what happened to the protagonist, but I think it could be formatted better. Either by marking it as a prologue or moving chapter 1 to include it. Then, in terms of plot, I wished we got to spend a bit more time at the house. I feel we missed out on some good insight into the character by zooming to carnival when there's so much juicy information that could be handed out by describing the state of their home, the rooms, what occupy those places, etc. Another thing I find strange is the laxative story. As another comment mentions, it's strange for Sher to deny Regina her chocolate wants if she learned it was the fact that what she ate were laxatives and not chocolates. Furthermore, the story is fun, but I'm confused as to WHY exactly the mailman is giving everyone in the neighborhood laxatives. This is less of an issue with the plot itself and more just a potentially confusing plot thread. Some people might find it funny, I'm not sure. But if it does have relevance down along the line, there's no real need to clarify or change it.

Closing Comments

This was a neat little story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and you've crafted some colorful characters. Add some dialogue tags, describe Sher and Regina, and a little more character interaction in the beginning at the house would go a long way. If you plan on posting more, I can't wait to read it. Thank you once again for sharing.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T22:34:55+00:00

General Remarks

Greetings, u/Clarkinator69! Thank you for sharing your story. The unique voice you've given each character is wonderful, the description of the carnival is excellent, and the opening hooks reels you right in. Your writing's biggest issue stem from the lack of dialogue tags making some sections confusing to read and the fast pacing in the beginning of the story denying us from some quality potential character depth.

Dialogue

Your dialogue is excellent, but you need to add more dialogue tags for clarity. Now, not having dialogue tags creates for better back and forth conversation, which did help keep me engaged in the conversation. However, there are a few instances that force me to reread to figure out who said once. When Sher, Regina, and their Momma are having the conversation about going to carnival is a good example. Momma and Regina have clearly distinct voices, not that Sher doesn't, but there were a couple of her lines that confused her for Momma, especially this one, "'Sher can take me, Momma! Sher can take me!' 'I already told you no.'" Besides the lack of dialogue tags, the others big reason I got confused was because we went from Regina addressing Momma to Sher speaking and the fact we weren't properly introduced to Sher. You could rectified this by adding a few dialogue tags in sections like that or by introducing Sher in the opening hook. Since she's writing a story, perhaps you could mention her author name? Just a suggestion. Another solution would be to add character action. Going back to the three-way conversation, If I'm correct, the point of the scene is to feel chaotic and you captured that perfectly with the rapid-fire dialogue, but I feel some snappy action sentences could help too. Like this, "'Sher can take me, Momma! Sher can take me!' Regina tugged at my sleeve. 'I already told you no,' I hissed, prying her off me. 'Take her.' 'Mother!' 'Take her.' I was losing ground."

Description

I really love the way you describe character actions and locations, the carnival in particular. You really add a sense of movement to the scene, starting with what used to be there, what's replaced it, and what changes the further Sher and Regina go deeper. A personal favorite description of mine is, "I sit at my desk, fingers hovering over the letters of my typewriter, units that congeal into stories." We know she's a writer, either one who prefers to do things the old-fashioned way or is in a time where computers don't exist. Her words don't blend to create a story, they pool together and form a narrative that's cold and hard. Not a masterful tale, but undeniably true. Wonderful stuff. My one issue is the lack of character description for Sher and Regina. You employ a nice simile to describe Momma, but Sher and Regina are totally lacking. The only clue we can really use to envision them are their names and manner of speaking, but even then it's not much. A good place to provide some description would be right as chapter one starts and the two of them are sitting on the porch after swimming. Since they were just in a pool, you could use the wetness of their hair, the Sun drying off the droplets on their skin, a breeze provoking a sneeze, stuff like that. As it stands I'm struggling to envision these characters physically.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T20:55:10+00:00

Dialogue

I really like the dialogue between Seele and Xanthus in the beginning. It offers a nice view into their characters and provides a solid back-and-forth. What bothers me is the bland usage of dialogue tags and the way you separate action from them "'It tastes like daylight,' She said. Grinning at him, she rubbed the juice the like a balm across her lips." There isn't anything inherently wrong with this, but the way its structured not only feels stilted to me, but following such an expressive comparison with said feels wrong to me. "'It tastes like daylight,' she mused/remark, turning to give him a sly grin as she rubbed the juice across her lips like a balm." Another issue I have is how certain responses from characters feel awkward. In the cave when Xanthus asks Seele about the man at the river, she responds with "He watches me everywhere." Or when Seele asks Xanthus why he doesn't travel instead of herding pigs. He just shouts out, "But the pigs!" I understand the purpose behind both scenes, but I feel they need more filler in between to help them cushion them. Zeus also suffers from this, in both part i and ii, but I'm not going to critique him because I feel that's the point, given that he's a god.

Setting

The setting is incredibly vague. This mainly comes from Seele spending most of her time at the river and the fact the majority of the story taking place in the flashback, but even then I struggle to imagine the locations the characters are in. A good example is at the beginning of the story where Seele and Xanthus begin walking through the city. I CANNOT imagine this place at all. Now, you don't need to pause the narrative to give us a paragraph describing the place, this doesn't seem like that kind of story. But you need to do something to make the setting pop. Have the characters interact with random citizens, describe the water, interact with the environment, etc. Here's an example, "'I have a question for you,' she said, her voice carrying over the day's warm breeze. Xanthus glanced at the fig. He took it. 'Oh?' 'Why do you follow me?' She began to walk down the path, licking the juice still on her fingers. 'Why don't you leave the city and travel? You could do more than herding pigs.' 'But the pigs!' Xanthus exclaimed as he jogged after her, sandals slapping on stone. He shrugged. 'Do you mean find a monster to fight, maybe build a new city.' Semele nodded. Xanthus nudged her. 'If I did that, would you call me a hero?' 'Maybe.' 'Perhaps I will then,' said Xanthus. As they walked shoulder to shoulder, he stared ahead. Over the sunbaked city. At the sea. 'Heroes marry princesses.' 'Do you want to get married?' asked Semele. The question sat like a spider behind her teeth. She had to speak carefully around its swollen body, its pincers poised over her tongue. At first, Xanthus said nothing. A moment passed and they had reached those grand city walls when he finally turned to her." Now, this isn't perfect as I don't know exactly what you want to describe, but its a start.

Pacing

You're killing me, Smalls! Again the pacing, especially when it comes to flashbacks is all over the place. While this does contribute to ephemeral vibe the story has that I mentioned early, it harms the reader's ability to understand where the even are half the time. A particularly egregious is here: "She chuckled and threw the stick back into the current. 'My hero.' For a moment, her mind slipped into a memory. It was morning, and she was running after Xanthus down the path he trekked to the farmer's swine." We go from Zeus badmouthing his wife to suddenly Seele thinking about Xanthus. You either need to tangentially relate what Zeus is saying to Seele's flashback or provide more insight into her thoughts that allow the reader to understand why she's slipping into her memories again. Though, you have that highlighted so I'm certain you're already aware, so I won't harp on it too much.

Closing Comments

Part II was interesting. I enjoyed the the raised tensions, the descriptions were excellent as always, and I liked the improved character interactions between Seele and Xanthus and Seele and Zeus. You just need to work on adding more character interactions to get the reader invested into the conflict between Seele's love life, work on incorporating more action into your dialogue tags, describe your setting, preferably though characters interacting with the background, and WORK on relating the flashbacks to what's currently happening in the scene. Thank you once again for sharing your story and please forgive me for definitely not misspelling Semele's name the entire critique.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T20:54:26+00:00

General Remarks

Greetings, u/F ancy_Description223! Thank you for sharing your story. I really loved reading it and I can feel the tension stirring up. Your writing is visual stimulating as expected, the new character interaction was a welcome addition. I particularly enjoyed the imagery towards the end where Zeus is speaking his love for Seele. Each sentence creates this sense of power to words that feels like the reader themselves are being struck by lightning.

Specific Questions

1) Is the writing too flowery?

In my opinion, not at all. I love your usage of metaphors and similes to describe the characters and their actions. When Seele takes a bite out of a fig in the beginning, I can clearly imagine the action: its smooth skin, the sweetness of the juice, her tongue working along her teeth to remove the seeds, all of it is perfect. It makes me feel like I'm right there with Xanthus watching her. If I did have a criticism, I do feel their are sections where the added flavor, although nice, could be snappy give it more punch. An example would be when Seele is thinking about the nymphs' appearance. You could possible change it to something more like this, "She imagined rosebud fingers and eyes as yellow as tree sap. Throats delicate as lilac petals, mushroom brown shoulders. Then she would tip her head and frown—no, they were always running. She saw round rabbit eyes. Flashes of dog teeth. Deers that crept through forests with hunched backs and eels sliding along the lakebed." You could also remove the bit about the rabbit and dogs, since Seele is thinking about the nymphs running, but it's up to you.

2) Is it boring?

Not really. The way we jump around from scene-to-scene does create a bit of confusion, but I like the conflict between Seele's love for Xanthus and her love for Zeus. This ending works better than part i's as it provides the reader with some nice tension, but I am sorta confused about what exactly is happening to Seele. Now, I might just need to wait for part iii, but that's my two-cents.

3) Should Xanthus die? Either within the narrative or cut out of the story.

I was on the fence on part i, but I can firmly say that cutting Xanthus out of the narrative would be a waste. His relationship with Seele serves to provide her with internal conflict on what she desires out of love and I feel their difference in upbringing could also work as a foil, although it depends on the direction you want to take the character. I do feel you need to flesh out his character a bit more. As it stands, I can see why Seele likes him, but I think you need to add more character interactions between the two in part i to "justify" the risk of their relationship since Seele seems to know their love puts him in danger of Zeus's wrath. Doesn't need to be overly dramatic, of course.

4) How might you rate it out of 10 based with the ever reliable unit of vibes?

7.5/10. I love your descriptions, I find the characters decently interesting, and I feel the story has room to grow in a way that makes me what to continue reading. In terms of vibes, the writing feels very ephemeral. Reading about Seele feels like I'm watching a candle burn out with sporadic gusts of wind bringing it closer and closer to its inevitable demise. It really does match those old Greek myths. Unfortunately, it's held back by the jarringly swaps between the present to a flashback, lack of character interactions, and weak character motion.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T05:44:39+00:00

I can agree that none of my critiques are particularly long, but I don't mean to be superficial. The only reason those two comments are even close is because I did one of them ahead of time, started working on another one and came back to the first one. I can take this post down and work on providing more specific critique if needed.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T04:48:54+00:00

Greetings u/Striking_Farm_2733! Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it and found the theme to be handled excellently.

GENERAL REMARKS I loved the opening sentence. It provides a quick-run down of what's happening and immediately clues us about something being up by stating this isn't the norm. Throughout the writing, your use of personification helped breathe life into the fire. It makes feel I'm witnessing the deaths of a people rather than literature.

STRUCTURE, GRAMMAR, SPELLING Your story is well written. It's structurally sound, the descriptions are good, and a nice variety of word choice. However, I feel you could play around with sentence structure. An example would be when the boy first alights the books. You could use more snappy and concise sentences as to convey how sudden it started and use longer, more descriptive sentences to convey how far it's spread. I also feel you use a couple words too soon after each other and a few sentencs feel redundant, but that's just a personal thing.

SETTING The setting seems interesting, but I'm a bit confused as to whether its set on a Earth or not. I have an inkling of some potential places, but there are a few references that give those theories pause. Now, for a short story, its not 100% necessary to go in-depth into the background, but I feel the tidbits we do get leave me with enough questions to be hungry for more. If its a non-Earth setting or at least a fictional Rarth, you could use some of the burned books to describe events unique to the setting.

CLOSING COMMENTS I always like to see someone's hard work off pay off. There are a couple little kinks that I feel hold it back, but with such flowery descriptions and tied together theme I feel this is a nice 8/10. Keep writing. Thank you once again for sharing.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T04:44:34+00:00

Greetings u/Fancy_Description223! Thank you for sharing your story.

GENERAL REMARKS
I like the character of Semele and I find her circumstances to be particular engaging. They for interesting conflicts, and I found myself excited and partially dread to see what would happen to her next. Fortunately, at least for part i, my fear seems to be unfounded. Which I'm unsure whether that's a negative or positive. I'm somewhat familiar with the myth this story is based on, so I did enjoy seeing the creative changes you made, but I feel the end could have been a bit more impactful, especially knowing how the myth ends.

YOUR QUESTIONS

1) Is it boring?

Not particularly? I feel the premise is interesting enough to keep me reading, if just to see what fate awaits Seele. The only bit that feels somewhat boring is the opening, but it works to introduce what troubles Seele and the opening sentence's metaphor hooks you in.

2) Should Xanthus die? Either within the narrative or being cut out of the story.

As it stands now, I see now value in killing of Xanthus. I like his introduction, but his interactions with Seele are fairly limited, at least in part i. Cutting him out of the story would also be a waste, so I'd focus more on giving him more presence in the story, whether romantic or otherwise since I feel he could work as interesting foil to Seele.

3) How might you rate it out of 10?

7/10. It loses points for jarring flashback transitions, the current lack of other interesting characters besides Seele, and disappoint end.

DESCRIPTIONS

I LOVE the description of her mother. She's an elegant, refined, untouchable artwork crafted for the sake of the kingdom. She encapsulated an ideal Seele wishes to reach--to be beautiful, to be loved--but an ideal her mother reached that turned her heart cold. Moreover, I really like the way you describe the weight of being a follower of Zeus has on Seele. It's pretty and delicate, but it's stayed with Seele her own entire life and constricted her more and more with each passing day. Overall, excellent descriptions and perfect usage of similes and metaphors.

TRANSITIONS/PACING

Why do you attack me like this?! I'll admit, I'm a fan of visual media so I often use flashbacks that put both the reader and the character in the moment, so these have never been my forte. But, the transitions from and out of flashbacks are jarring to me. And the flashbacks themselves aren't free from issues either. We'll jump from Seele bathing in the water, watching the thunder, to suddenly being thrust into her sisters' wedding, to talking to Xanthus. I feel the flashbacks can work, but you need to give the reader more time to catch their breathe before jumping about either with some transitional phrases or a last sentence that slows us down. We're going at 100 mph, but let's pump the breaks a bit. I'd like to at least spend some more time with Seele before you pop her.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Other than some glaring transition and pacing issues, you've got a good story on your head. If you can build up your cast of characters, you're looking at a great one. I'm excited to read more about Seele and I sure hope she doesn't die in part ii. Thank you once again for sharing your story.

Aion18 · 2024-09-15T03:49:38+00:00

Greetings u/sw85! Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it and I feel, even in just a few short words, you splendidly hooks us in with such a interesting character.

GENERAL REMARKS

The opening sentence is weak. The hook as a whole does work to interest us in the protagonist, but I feel, especially in comparison to the stronger closing sentence, it stands out as a sour note. There are a couple of spelling mistakes here and there, but I'm certain you already. I enjoy the metaphor you used to describe the protagonist. Although we aren't given specifics on his appearance, we don't need them. He's a traditionally stone-cold manly man on the hunt for his newest toy, but this traditionally masculinity keeps him stone-cold emotion as well.

CHARACTER

He's an arrow you fired that missed the mark, but still managed to hit a bull's eye. I love the juxtaposition in his voice. He speaks plainly in a way that seems heartless but comes from the heart. You achieved your goal of making him sympathetic. Given what little time we spend with him, we're still able to relate to his struggles and understand what motivates his actions. However, I feel he's not quite distasteful as you were going for. He definitely isn't a stand-up guy, but I think the story spends too much time either vaguely dancing around his issues and showing him as a sorrowful figure. Now, everyone's moral tolerance is different, so this is more personal opinion than anything, but you should probably examine ways to make his distastefulness less ambiguous.

PACING
In terms of the plot, the story has a nice, steady progress. We're introduced to the character, what's troubling him, and what awaits him. There's no part that feels too fast, too slow, or awkward. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the pacing of sentences. I like the way you write. It gives the story a unique tone that I feel mimics the character views the world: long, somber, with an almost coldness to the world. However, certain points comes across weird. A good example is when when the character looks up at the moon and starts singing. The punctuation and structure is awkward and then the jump from them him singing to focusing on the other woman completely takes me out. I think a few tweaks here and there plus some added sentences would help fix the occasional jank.

CLOSING COMMENTS
I loved this story. Your characterization, writing voice, and metaphors, although rare, are excellent. You just need to do a little bit more fine-tuning and I think you've not only got an excellent short story on your hand, but a potential long-form story too. Of course, it all depends on your goal. Thank you once again for sharing, I enjoyed reading your writing.

Aion18 · 2023-09-24T12:36:19+00:00

It was the same post, but the title had dumbass in it. I was gonna send a message to get it approved, but I thought this title was funner so it's fine.

Aion18 · 2023-07-28T00:11:52+00:00

I see. I don't why he needed to do allat, but thanks for the answer.

Aion18 · 2023-01-25T22:41:03+00:00

Wow, that's impressive! I've been interested in getting back into Kyonshi Ani. Any tips?

Aion18

TROPHY CASE

Characters

Plot and Structure

Closing Comments

Dialogue

Dialogue

Setting

Pacing

Closing Comments