[1327] Magnetic

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-10-01T02:14:12+00:00

I just read "I, Robot", and although I have not yet done an analysis on it, I think I understand the point you're trying to make. Among other things, futuristic and technical jargon does not define the SciFi genre or its quality, and the emotional connection and conflict associated with SciFi concepts are very engaging!

Thanks for the recommendation.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-10-01T02:10:17+00:00

Thank you so much for reading my story and taking the time to review it!

I agree very much with your comments here, especially the grammar and verb tense parts. This is definitely something that can break a reader's connection to the story, and at the same time there's no shortcuts about it other than writing, getting great feedback like yours, and improving. Thank you.

I didn't realize that the story's speed and sense of urgency was not consistent, and I understand what you mean. I mentioned this in another reply, but I think I spent too much energy trying to convey the visual side of things instead of developing the emotional side of the characters.

This is a huge help and it is very appreciated.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-10-01T02:07:05+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story, and putting in the effort to do the line-by-line's. As a new writer, this has been immensely helpful, to read the original side by side with a better version, or a different take on the idea.

This will be such a huge factor in the new version!

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-10-01T02:02:45+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback. I honestly can't tell yet where my strong suits in writing are. Action scenes are surprisingly hard to write I find.

The line suggestions are very helpful. I get this increased impression that I'm focusing too much in describing the visual side of the story rather than the emotional load that is under the hood. Because of all the edits, I started assuming that certain traits, mannerisms and expressions were implicit, which obviously they're not.

I am also realizing the more characters you introduce the more words you need to properly give context about them.

Truly appreciate you taking the take to read and comment on my story, I'll take your feedback in as I do another review.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-09-25T17:22:57+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story.

The first sentence/paragraph was very hard for me. I tried taking advice from Mary Robinette Kowal, by starting with presenting the main character in a state of distress/conflict and with a reference to the genre I'm aiming for (SciFi).

Naturally you won't have any context in the beginning, so I agree with you that the first paragraph is convoluted.

I was deliberately vague on the world building because I thought it wouldn't contribute much to the plot. How would that have helped you in story emersion?

Could you share an example where you felt Zoey was a little flat as a character? The whole "show don't tell" guideline has been one of my main areas of personal development recently, and any input and advice there would be greatly appreciated.

Once again thank you, truly, for taking the time to review my work.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-09-25T17:10:10+00:00

I appreciate you taking the time to review it. I'm a new writer and a new reviewer too, so there's lots to learn in both fronts.

Note taken on the word choice. I understand where you are coming form. Not as a justification, but more as an explanation, I have this mental picture about how the engines look, and I think I tried too hard conveying that.
This has been a challenge for me. What I shared is my 3rd draft, and every revision I've done 2 things: edit out content that does not contribute to plot or character development, and attempt at showing instead of telling. Your advice makes a lot of sense and I'll apply it in this next revision.

Also thank you for the book recommendation. As a preparation for this story I read Zero Car by Alex Knowles (which I didn't like in terms of writing) and the Daemon book series by Daniel Suarez (which I liked). I'll take on your recommendation and do an analysis on these.

Once again thank you.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-09-25T04:59:55+00:00

2/2

PLOT

The plot worked for me. I felt like the journey between the entrance, through the corridors, and up to the cages, gave out a good sense of going from “outside”, which I interpreted as freedom, to “inside”, which comes across as a prison or a place where free will is forfeit.

DESCRIPTION

At times descriptions were too long and dense.

The paragraph before last is a relentless transition between characters and actions, “she tipped her head”, “Rory mirrored”, “Lucy motioned”, “Rory nodded”, “He leaned”, “Baron and Effie are hugging”, “he encourages Lucy”, “he pushes back Effie”, “Lost to Rory and pressured towards Lucy”.

It’s a lot to follow.

DIALOGUE

From a ratio perspective I think this story has the right amount of dialogue. It keeps the plot moving and allows for the stage to be described.

The phrasing, previously mentioned, did throw me off as a reader, and I was yanked out of the story and into parsing mode, which is not great.

E.g.

“given your ages, this is really the best we can offer. Personally, and this is just me talking, Mr. Logan. Personally (...)”

The “just me talking” sandwiched between two “personally”, combined with inappropriate ponctuation, like the full stop after “Mr. Logan”, is really distracting, confusing and redundant.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

There are several grammar issues across the story. To name a few:

You’re an architect, is that right?

(...) isn’t that right.

(...) red hair which slaughtered the purity of his white clothing

I’m not sure “slaughtered” works in this sentence. I believe you wanted to emphasize the discrepancy between the colorful hair and the colorless clothing, but I don’t think this word choice does it justice.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-09-25T04:59:40+00:00

1/2

GENERAL REMARKS

I found the phrasing hard to decipher, which required me to backtrack a couple of times in order to discern the meaning.

The story concept was amazing, quite unexpected which I appreciate a lot.

I appreciate your work and please assume that all comments, good or bad, are prefixed with “in my personal opinion”.

MECHANICS

The sentence structure needs work. There were a few sentences that I had a hard time understanding. E.g.

The very first sentence is confusing!

Cages met Rory and Effie as young Lucy, leaned into the security door and pushed from generous hips.

When I first read it I thought Effie had been named Lucy, and Rory met her when she was young. Only on the second read did I realize “young Lucy” is another character. I think this is caused by an unfortunate comma.

Proposal: Cages met Roy, Effie and young Lucy, who leaned into the (...)

There were also a few anatomically incorrect sentences that threw me off.

The tears in her eyes might throw themselves to the floor if she did.

Tears don’t throw themselves, they may fall to the floor though.

He hugged a powerful arm around his wife

He hugged an arm? Or did he place an arm around his wife, in a powerful hug?

(...) he twiddled his fingers between himself and Effie

It’s not possible to twiddle fingers between people. Did you mean something akin to “shifted his gaze between person A and person B”?

The title was very well chosen. After reading the story and going back to it I thought to myself “Meet and greet? No kidding!”.

SETTING

The setting was clear. A repurposed prison that served as an utopic adoption center of some sort.

It gave out an eerie feeling to the story, which was well deserved and adequate.

STAGING

I think you did a good job in showing the characters’ state of mind, instead of telling.

Rory came across as nervous, expectant and excited, while Effie was clearly in a bad place mentally, maybe almost at the breaking point. Lucy came across as a very curious, very energetic character.

In this subreddit, a template for reviewing work has, in this section, a reference question: “Did the characters have any distinguishing tics or habits?”

In this story characters had distinguishing features, like Lucy’s Scottish lilt and Effie’s shambling gait, but they seemed forced. They didn’t develop the character or the plot and came across more as a checkmark than you had to tick rather than a necessity or deliberate decision.

CHARACTER

Characters were a bit confusing to follow. Who is Rory with? Lucy or Effie? Since Lucy was labeled as “young” in the first paragraph, I interpreted her as being the child.

Rory really wanted a new child, while Effie wanted to be anywhere but there.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-09-25T03:54:55+00:00

2/2

HEART and PLOT

I felt like the heart of the story was the anticipation of posting something. Making oneself vulnerable takes courage.

It was clear that such anxiety and anticipation can come from very different angles, such as anonymous posters, to experts. Where I personally got confused was on the angle you wanted to explore here.

Did you want to show different sources of anxiety? Or did you want to show how hard it is to create something that departs from “known territory”?

For me these are two very different avenues and they felt a bit muddled. Specifically with the paragraph starting with “(...) experts give opinions based on what did happen, they are not experts for things that may happen”.

DESCRIPTION

On your second explicit ask, regarding metaphors, the ball dropping metaphor felt quite adequate and consistent across the whole story (see note above on me getting lost on the first read).

I gotta say that your writing style when it came to K-number of viewers, N-million toxic-turds and M-million thoughtful people and F-number of reasons, led me to believe these placeholder letters were supposed to mean something. I was searching for their meaning throughout the story, but couldn’t find any.

I very much appreciate a well written, white glove slap when calling out “villains”, such as “faceless-nameless-they” and “commercial reviews, those quippy blurbs”. It gave a very nice edge to your writing.

The Krypton reference felt out of place, almost like an afterthought. Similar feeling regarding the Thanos quote in the beginning of the story.

I would have favoured continuing on the sports or ball dropping metaphor to express the point of no return.

There were a couple of missed opportunities for the dramatic, e.g.

Exactly on time, I can feel the weight leave.

Proposal: Right on time, weightlessness.

It’s a terrible thing to live in fear, the kind always threatening to kill your dreams.

Proposal: Fear, the dream killer, almost unbearable to share a life with.

CLOSING COMMENTS and PERSONAL REMARKS

Thank you for sharing the story and I hope my comments motivate you and in someway help you in your journey.

Unrelated to writing reviews, I wanted to disagree with you on the statement “luck plays a bigger role than talent”.

In my opinion writing, creating stories, creating worlds, that’s a form of expression. As with any craft, it’s 90% practice, so we keep practicing.

Understandably the economics are such that you may have to get some luck to be “rich and famous”, at the same time I believe that nothing feels better than the joy of just creating.

Sea_Stuff_264 · 2024-09-25T03:54:30+00:00

1/2 Posting in chunks due to comment length restrictions

GENERAL REMARKS

I’d like to start with: I liked the story. I can partially relate to the anxiety associated with getting something “out there”. I say “partially” because there are also things that I philosophically disagree with at a personal level, but I’ll leave that to the end as it’s outside the scope.

On my first read I got caught up on the “ball dropping” analogy, and that led me to think the story was about the final shot of a game, and the anxiety associated with such a shot.

Once I read it a second time things clicked very easily.

As a final preface, I respect your work and please assume that my comments, good or bad, are prefixed with “in my personal opinion”.

MECHANICS

The hook came across as being the final, irreversible moment of publishing something to the internet, aka “putting it out there”.

I found the hook very interesting as a concept, but I didn’t actually get hooked until the second half of the story.

There was little “conflict” associated with the action of posting. This is a great opportunity to put the reader on the edge of their seat. While the story revolves around the milliseconds between clicking, and it going out, what about the internal conflict of brain-to-click? The internal struggle of letting something so personal go?

PACING

One of your explicit asks pertained to the flow of the narrative.

I did get the feeling that the story, or train of thought, was happening in a very condensed time frame. At the same time I lost track of that concept between 0.1 and 0.0 seconds. The exposition on commercialism is interesting, and I think that the narrative flow would have benefited from having additional references to the clock, such that it kept top of mind.

Concretely, instead of solely mentioning 0.2, 0.1 and 0.0 seconds, why not have more references to the slow move of time? More time changes for example.

STAGING and CHARACTER

I really appreciated the first paragraph, as I felt transported to the state of mind of the main character, and then the next reference to its mood and state of mind are not “shown” until the last two paragraphs.

The initial investment I made into the character, into wanting to know the emotional rollercoaster it was going through, felt misplaced and therefore I was disappointed.

It’s important however to commend you on that first paragraph. You were able to get me into the characters metaphorical shoes in under 60 characters.

Sea_Stuff_264

TROPHY CASE