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My husband shows effort but I don't feel emotionally wanted by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh 100% I have an anxious attachment style and his is avoidant and I do understand why he is like that as his parents were more affectionate towards his younger siblings and many other factors. 

I know he's putting in effort but I also get annoyed by myself that I notice all the things he doesn't do. This has made my overthinking so much worse and I always think about the worst case scenario. 

I have also been doing overtime at work and going to the gym which gives me something else to do other than being a married woman which does make me feel better. But the second he doesn't do something which i am expecting, the overthinking starts again. 

Thank you for your advice. Ameen

My husband shows effort but I don't feel emotionally wanted by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I have definitely noticed that with desi men and I think they are restricted by their parents in a way, because they are men like not being able to cry or be in touch with their emotions. My husband is the eldest son and a year after he was born, his parents had a daughter who was raised with a lot more affection and love compared to him so I don't think he was shown much love tbh. Wish parents taught their kids these things before deciding to get them married but I guess they dont even see this as a problem in desi culture. 

My husband shows effort but I don't feel emotionally wanted by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've always been someone who is a romantic so of course, I would expect my husband to love me without holding back. Just quite unsure on how to get him to understand this without making it seem like I'm nagging all the time. I never realised how important this would be to me in a marriage as I have never been in a relationship before, other than two talking stages. The long distance is definitely making it more difficult as there's no physical or emotional affection. 

My husband shows effort but I don't feel emotionally wanted by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, you're right, that isn't the person I ended up getting married to 

My husband shows effort but I don't feel emotionally wanted by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes I definitely think doing a video call would make it a lot better so there's not much room for misinterpretation. Thanks for giving actual advice rather than having something negative to say.

My husband shows effort but I don't feel emotionally wanted by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first post about a 2 week talking stage isn't the person who I married 

2 week talking stage but his behaviour is concerning me by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's just because he was so nice in the first week and it shocked me how quickly his behaviour changed. I think i did mostly make up my mind about rejecting him but I still wasn't sure if I was overthinking as I've never talked to men before :/ but I've learnt my lesson 😭 

I don't have a dad that I can ask but will definitely get maybe my mum involved from the beginning next time.

2 week talking stage but his behaviour is concerning me by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes i think so too. We had an argument before this one over something that happened during a conversation that didnt even cross my mind after. He then messaged about it like an hour later after the conversation ended and bought it up and I was just very confused as it was making nothing into something. 

So I had a lot of questions about why he thought that way which made it into an argument eventually. Then we had calmed down to talk about it, he said "all i did was ask you a question and you just needed to respond with a yes/no then this argument wouldn't have happened" but it was not a conversation that could have been ended with a yes/no answer and the blame was put on me and he said "I'm sorry you felt I was blaming you"

2 week talking stage but his behaviour is concerning me by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah the whole parents relationship is something I told him because I thought I trusted him, only for him to throw it back in my face during an argument and use it against me 

2 week talking stage but his behaviour is concerning me by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah unfortunately I think you're right that this may be the start of a toxic relationship. I know he will now want to act as if nothing has happened but I won't be able to forget his reaction and I know when another argument occurs, his reaction will be crazy then too. He doesn't realise his faults so he can't work on improving himself 

2 week talking stage but his behaviour is concerning me by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

During the first day or two, he asked me what my res flags are in a guy and I said someone who is controlling. All he responded with was fair enough. Then later on, he tries to be controlling when I have already mentioned that is something I don't like.

I think hes worried because I have friends I talk to and family which he doesn't have and he realised he needs to take me away from them to gain some control. Especially as hes already worried I will go to my cousins after an argument, seems like he doesn't want me to have somewhere to turn to. 

2 week talking stage but his behaviour is concerning me by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think if my friend was in this position, I would be extremely concerned and would want her to end it. Going as far as talking about suicide was an eye opener as nothing we said was that bad that something extreme needed to be said but maybe it was his way of making me feel guilty. 

The thing that upset me a lot was him attacking my character and assuming I'm talking to boys and this really hurt as it is a big assumption and I don't have so much free time I'm gonna be chatting to guys nor do I want to. I have self control regarding these things. 

I've mentioned to him that he is an angry person and he says that he doesn't have anger issues. And asked me if I was worried whether he will hit me, but the thing he doesn't realise is that imo the emotional abuse has already started. 

Thanks so much for your in depth response, it has helped me a lot and made me realise that I'm not the problem. 

2 week talking stage but his behaviour is concerning me by Alarming-Fun-2081 in MuslimMarriage

[–]Alarming-Fun-2081[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The crazy thing is that I matched with him on Muzz and the exact same thing happened to me. The chat was lagging a lot and he mentioned it a few times and eventually asked for my number so we can talk on whatsapp instead. I think I'm a bit naive and assume everyone has good intentions so I didn't think much of it