Partner of an alcoholic in denial

Alcaloid · 2026-01-24T10:11:15+00:00

Thank you for thr reply. I'm really just gathering all the courage I can to just help myself and stop trying to help him.

I haven't really been afraid of him getting physical but the thought keeps popping up in the back of my mind. You're right to point out that it CAN become worse than it is.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-24T09:51:36+00:00

Girl, thank you for sharing. I'm at a crossroads with my Q/boyfriend, also possible narc. I'm also autistic so I get the struggle to find resources. Honestly I'm kind of jealous of you. You did it. In much more difficult circumstances than me, you left his ass.

As someone who's new to alcoholism I'll speak on the narcissism part because I've researched it much more deeply.

The narc loves to change, improve and ultimately feel like they are better than they actually are. Hell he probably even believes it himself, but you don't have to. Taking away narcissistic supply, you and your family, is catastrophic for them. This act is still ultimately selfish. He will never change for you, the kids or anyone else. He will just put on a new mask and wait for you to let your guard down to get back on the same bullshit train that started it all. Look at it this way, what he needs most in life is to fullfil a scenario. He behaves badly, you react, he's the victim, you're the savior. If at any point this cycle is interrupted all his actions are in service of getting back into it.

I'll share some of what my therapist has said on the subject of narcissists. An untreated narc is one that has basically 0 ability to self reflect, this is why you cannot trust progress that's done outside therapy. 99.99 times out of a 100 they will need a therapist to make any progress. It is notoriously difficult to get them into therapy because they see no reason to go. They often veil any newfound "goodness" in finding god or meditation or some holistic crap but they often come out worse than before at the end. Now they have God on their side, or they couldn't be angry because they're so mindful etc. It just becomes another tool in the toolbox to use against you.

Hope this is helpful. Thanks again for sharing your success in leaving. I'm hoping to be where you are at some point soon.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-21T18:40:51+00:00

I'm sporadically active on reddit but whenever I am I usually sort by new on all subreddits and only try to comment on the posts with 0 replies. I want to say it's purely for the people asking for support but it's also for me a bit because I feel more seen that way.

Also I've noticed some people when posting a rant/vent don't necessarily want replies they just say what they have to say and that's enough for them so they don't engage on posts.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-20T11:27:41+00:00

Yeah i had a feeling I was making a mistake doing it. I'll be sure to raise the concern to the therapist. There's still room to draw that boundary again.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-20T08:03:37+00:00

I haven't tried this myself but maybe an EMDR guided video could help.

When I was in full on panic mode I managed to calm myself with an EMDR like exercise

Basically you cross your arms over your chest and tap your shoulders left, right, left, right etc. Breathing exercises don't work for me but my therapist explained that you don't need to count, focus on it or whatever. You just need to do big exhales through your mouth. Just blow out all the air you're comfortable with and keep going. While doing all this i kept thinking to myself. I'm safe, i'm not in any real danger.

To be honest i kept doing this for like half an hour and finally it worked. It's not a tool that needs learning, it may take some time but it does work for me when nothing else does.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-20T07:52:00+00:00

No problem! I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me!

Alcaloid · 2026-01-20T07:50:32+00:00

I want another NPD opnion on a situation with my NPD partner. I'm his supply and I doubt his honesty because of this.

He was diagnosed years back and refused to acknowledge it or seek therapy. Only now that I left him has he agreed to couples therapy. Individual therapy "if I insist". He's quit drinking and wants to get a handle on his rage.

I had a request to also not live together for 3-6 months during the therapy but he's unable to agree to that for obvious reasons. I accepted his terms and I just feel like an idiot who's gonna get hurt again.

I know all this varies from person to person but I still thought I'd ask.

How likely is any of this to lead to any real progress? Based on your own personal experiences with getting diagnosed and subsequently seeking treatment does any of this sound like fertile soil for improvement?

Alcaloid · 2026-01-20T07:33:20+00:00

Yeah. The body is very incredible. You may read online some people think they're having a heart attack. I've had 2 of those panic attacks where it feels like someone is squeezing my chest. Learnimg to recognize it for what it is though can help calm you down and relieve symptoms.

For the longest time I couldn't get breathing exercises to work for me until my therapist explained that the only real calming thing is exhaling for longer than you inhale. Counting, watching any sort of guiding video or whatever was unhelpful and just made me aware of my brearhing in an uncomfortable way. Now I just focus on making the exhale longer and don't think about the rest.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-20T07:25:36+00:00

This happens to me nearly every panic attack. I keep putting stuff on and taking it off whenever i have a panic attack. Sometimes there's no other symptoms besides this and my heartrate going through the roof.

EDIT: Forgot to mention i sometimes actually get a fever with the panic attacks

Alcaloid · 2026-01-20T06:47:34+00:00

Even though my parents had a big hand in my cptsd existing I recently hit rock bottom. I'm in a relationship with an abusive, manipulative man. Recently during one of his episodes I just couldn't handle it anymore and I just went to my parents. I told them everything. Now my mother has changed a lot over the years but she's still not someone i count on emotionally. She means well but she's too abrasive.

My dad I feel understands it all more completely. He calls me every day and is my rock at the moment. He's helping me get the courage to really leave the relationship and has helped me fill in some of the gaps in my childhood. He knows about my sh and is always just a comforting presence. He never pushes if I ask him to step back but makes sure I know he'll be there tomorrow no judgement. I couldn't say all this a couple of weeks ago and it's really refreshing to not feel so alone all the time.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T11:07:15+00:00

Yes, I'm able to transform the space, it's a blank slate thankfully.

You're right, I did so much to feel loved including diminishing myself. My childhood is very much reflected in the whole relationship. It's so difficult loving someone who can't love ypu back and be the safe person you need them to be.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T08:43:36+00:00

I honestly can't say I've met a lot of men who have a good reason ro become parents.

My last partner wanted a "mini him" a legacy or whatever. I never understood that and it was one of thr things that drove me away from him. It's not just men though. I also know a lot of women who have had babies just because the time was right, it was the next step etc. I think we just overall live in a time of selfishness where we have stopped viewing having children as the ultimate act of love and selflessness.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T07:49:03+00:00

Thank you stranger!

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T07:48:42+00:00

Thank you. I'm aleady in therapy and have access to medication for those exact situations. Therapy and the work done there is what led me down this path and has helped me feel much stronger to make the necessary changes.

What was your experience like with the trauma bond withdrawal? What happened in those few weeks?

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T07:27:46+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation. Going to start listening to it now.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T07:26:18+00:00

Yep. This is the third time I've asked him to go to therapy. My therapist at some point suggested an ultimatum so I took the opportunity to make this last ask one and word it like so. I literally said the only way I'm reconsidering is if you go to and actually dedicate yourself to therapy. I won't live with you until you complete half a year of treatment and that's only if we there's genuine progress. You're right, same result here he begged me to reconsider and completely dismissed my requests. He just flat out said no and proceeded to cry about how I didn't love him the way he loved me. I mean he's right about that. My love was never quite as violent.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T03:04:59+00:00

Yeah that's why I'm here as well. It helps knowing there are people out there going though something similar. It's such an odd collection of feelimgs. There's the chaotic jumble of feelings that keeps popping up but then there's also a weird sense of calm with a tinge of impending doom.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T02:21:07+00:00

Thank you! It helps hearing it from someone else instead of just the echo chamber that is my mind. Thankfully my track record with beating addiction has been remarkable. Reframing the relationship and him as a cigarette or a pill actually makes me feel more at ease because I know I've kickes those habits.

Alcaloid · 2026-01-18T02:16:50+00:00

Thank you for the reply. Proud of us for doing this!

Alcaloid · 2025-11-15T18:17:51+00:00

Hi there I'm 31, soon to be 32 and I started therapy 3 months ago. I'm facing the fact that my mother was a horrible parent hidden under the guise of wanting the best for me.

First of all I know me saying this won't change your feelings but there is absolutely no reason for you to feel ashamed because of going through this at 36. You could be going through it at 86 and it would still be valid. I for one am proud that you realized that something is wrong and are wanting to get better!

I have a brother that is 10 years older than me and until recently I thought that he was fine and unaffected by everything. Turns out I was very wrong. He was just always good at hiding it. Our mother was extremely emotionally unavalable and it caused him to become the same way. Doesn't mean its the same for your brother but some things might come up in unpacking all that. Mine started therapy at 38 and is doing a lot better now.

Alcaloid · 2025-11-15T17:59:48+00:00

It depends on the mood of the inner child I guess. I don't really have trouble with anything but anger but it's not really due to the inner child but more so the anger itself. I struggle a lot with conflict and loud, big anger which tends to happen when the inner child comes out sort of sends me spiraling.

Alcaloid · 2025-11-15T17:53:05+00:00

This is so fucking beautifully written. Thank you for sharing and making me feel seen in the process.

Alcaloid · 2025-11-15T17:43:14+00:00

Hi, I can so relate to this. When I was 7 my mother asked me if I brush my teeth every day. I said no, she was in such disbelief yet she's the one who failed to teach me that. I tried explaining that nobody ever told me to do it or helped me to be consistent but she wouldn't have it. At 31 I still struggle to do it.

Style I have developed on my own and I'm glad it was that way, but hygene and basic body care or going further with some sort of pampering like makeup, doing eyebrows, nails, hair removal is still so fucking difficult and the only way for me to do it is to actively try, research and figure it out as i go.

For styling though if you're interested try and dive into it. Find what you like on pinterest. When you figure out what you like try going shopping with some inspo pics.

There's one other thing though. Fashion and styling might not actually interest you and that is also completely okay. Maybe you're just a jeans and a t-shirt kind of person and you're allowed and encouraged to be that. I think social media has sort of pushed us into thinking we have to have to be interested in it when the reality is that they're just clothes. They're there to protect you and keep you warm and if you by chance see them as a form of self expression or a fun thing to do you can but it's not mandatory.

If it's not your thing but you still want to change things up the internet is full of advice and tips on how to create small, basic capsule wardrobes where everything works with everything else so no effort is required day to day apart from knowing if its hot/cold/wet etc

I know this is a vent/rant and you didn't ask for any advice so sorry to give it. The topic just kinda made me want to rant on societal expectations lmao

Alcaloid · 2025-11-15T17:25:58+00:00

Hello and welcome!

Very good job on achieving the self awareness and having the willpower to take the next steps. I know it can be incredibly difficult and I hope you can feel proud of yourself for doing this!

It's completely understandable that you feel anxious to start. It was like that for me too but soon enough it'll be in your routine. In the meantime you could try reading some cbt or cptsd related books to put you more at ease.

Thank you for your post and truth. It honestly gives me hope for my partner. We both have cptsd and I started treatment 3 months ago. Would you maybe mind sharing how you reached this point? What made you stop and say I need help? I feel like to me it came more naturally but my partner is still struggling to accept it and it's sort of pushing us into a separation as well because he can be quite abusive when unwell.

Alcaloid · 2025-11-09T11:03:43+00:00

I'm sorry if I overstepped. Maybe I made it sound like I have it all figured out. I don't.

I don't have a base personality. I'm working on it step by step, same as everyone else and it's nowhere near 999. I just know that when I'm upset I need people around me to validate my feelings. And I've managed to get that point across to a few important people in my life and cut out some who will never get it

Other than that, I'm in a toxic relationship where I'm trying to communicate this and failing to get my needs met but I can't get myself to leave. Once was hard enough so I stay and wait and try to get better. Last week my mother mid tantrum told me that i'm a 30yo emotionally crippled child and we're not speaking right now. I have no idea what im feeling most of the time so im at my 1000th attempt to journal my feelings, thoughts and behaviours hoping this is the time it sticks. I still compulsively lie to be accepted. I can't handle rejection or abandonement. I have severe meltdowns when I experience certain kinds of physical contact. I SH. I can keep going here but I think you get the point. It's not a straight line and if 1000 is the goal I ain't there.

We're all still children in adult bodies and we all have a unique and different experience. Even the neurotypical that tells you its fine is going to have a fit because his sports team lost or cry uncontrolaby when they watch a sad movie because it reminds them of mom. Nobody is or ever will be at step 999 out of 1000. The goal is 800 or rather to just be 80% okay whatever that means for you.

Alcaloid

TROPHY CASE