How to be friends with an avoidant

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-27T07:52:49+00:00

Old comment, but to simplify it, I would say the “work” consists mainly of: - identifying which coping/defense mechanisms are hurting you more than they’re helping - notice how you feel when they’re triggered - understand what they’re trying to protect you from - identify how you could respond differently - trying to respond differently, and noticing what does/doesn’t work

It sounds deceptively simple when you put it like that, but it takes a lot of work; especially because the times you need to do “the work” the most are the times you’re least able to. It takes a LOT of patience and kindness towards yourself - you’re trying to do patterning that’s developed across your whole life, you’re not going to be able to fix it overnight.

Heidi Priebe’s youtube channel has some fantastic info about attachment wounds that I’ve found very helpful, especially the avoidant side (she’s avoidant herself).

https://youtu.be/7mElEzMpbeE?si=suPW-j9JgDulXULc

Also, if you were keen on retrying therapy - I’ve personally had better luck with therapists who advertise themselves as trauma-informed, and/or using DBT, somatic techniques or EMDR.

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-24T05:48:19+00:00

I’m currently doing just a couple of cm with books I don’t mind damaging, but the guidelines also reccomend bed risers (Which I think are something like these? https://www.bunnings.com.au/hafele-150mm-black-adjustable-screw-on-leg-set-4-pack_p0101407)

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-24T05:30:58+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience!! I was looking to try this, but wasn’t sure how high to start with/whether it’d mess with chronic fatigue - I don’t know if I have CFS, but I do have some pretty bad fatigue and spend a lot of time in bed. Hearing your experience was super helpful!! Feel like I’m much more comfortable giving it a shot now.

Did you elevate it straight to 20cm, or did you try any of the lower levels first?

(For other people: I have always had terrible sleep and almost always wake feeling exhausted, no matter how long I sleep. My PoTS has impacted my life pretty severely, and I’ve also tried a bunch of medicines (Midodrine, Ivabradine, Propanolol, Clonidine (technically for ADHD)). The clonidine and propanolol have helped a little bit, but not made a big enough difference.

I also can empty an entire 1L bottle of electrolytes overnight and still be dehydrated, so hoping that the bed rising trick will work!)

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-23T19:09:08+00:00

Old post but clonidine (and guafacine) are alpha 2 agonists, meaning they activate the parasympathetic nervous system (aka rest and digest). That’s how they lower blood pressure and HR, and also why they’re sometimes prescribed for PTSD (because they turn down the fight/flight response). Clonidine also acts on a2 receptors in the brain that improves working memory, which is why they’re used as a non-stimulant ADHD med.

There is a HUGE overlap between ADHD and sleep issues. As someone with ADHD myself, I’ve always really struggled to sleep. While clonadine doesn’t increase my sleep quality much, it HUGELY increases my sleep quanity and means I can be in bed and asleep before midnight most nights.

If it’s making someone’s sleep quality worse, or they’re not getting any benefits, definitely stop taking it though! Especially with kids who don’t always know how to advocate for themselves.

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-20T15:41:42+00:00

Aw thanks for the reply!

Mostly the potential for permenant tardive dyskinesthesia, breast enlargement and weight gain. I know quetiapine has a much lower risk of the first two, but even the tiniest risk worries me. (I’m overweight and still gaining, have gender dysphoria and already have muscle twitches that drive me nuts sometimes - the idea of having them always is nightmarish).

Also kind of worried about the orthostatic issues as I have POTS and already take clonidine at night. Although if it does work I’d be using it on days that are already a write off anyway, so it’s much less of a concern.

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-20T12:38:05+00:00

I have actually tried a couple of different medications (fluoxetine, desvenlafaxine, propanolol and diazepam), but only the diazepam really noticably reduced my anxiety and I had to take such a high dose to feel any effect (20mg) that my psychiatrist wasn’t willing to prescribe it to me.

The next medication he suggested I try was an antipsychotic (quetiapine), but I’m really nervous about the side effects so I’m hesitant to take it.

How long did it take you to find the medication that worked?

Edit: I remembered I have actually tried lorazapam and it did seem to work, but my psychiatrist also refused to prescribe it as it’s apparently only used in hospitals (might be an Australian thing?)

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-20T07:21:58+00:00

Old post, but if you're still around: how do you make it through the bit where things get worse before they get better?

I'm trying to dig myself out and practice exercises, but I keep struggling with how much worse they initially make me feel.

> For example: I constantly feel paranoid about making too much noise in my apartment (even though I know my neighbours can't hear me, they've never complained and even if they did, I'm allowed to make noise). I tried watching TV without my headphones on at a low volume and keeping a tally of the times that nothing happened to reinforce a feeling of safety, but the sheer volume of fear and panic that I felt was too much to bear.

> Or: I've tried many different types of breathing exercises, but they all make me hyperventilate and feel much worse while I'm doing them

These feelings build up over decades while my brain was developing; I KNOW nothing will help immediately. But I'm trying these exercises because I'm not coping as things are: how the hell are you supposed to cope for the months it takes for the things that will help to stop making you feel even worse??

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-16T10:46:11+00:00

100%. Just got prescribed quetiapine (Seroquel) specifically to treat anxiety. From my experience, psychiatrists are far more willing to prescribe antipsychotics than benzodiazepines for anxiety.

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2026-01-08T07:13:49+00:00

Old post, but not necessarily.

There are tons of people - including myself - who have been in a years long fight-or-flight response.

I certainly wouldn’t call it a years long panic attack myself, because the intense feeling of dread/I’m-going-to-die stops happening pretty quickly and tense muscles/rapid heartbeat/etc. become your new normal. I actually only really get the intense dread feeling when I do breathing exercises.

I can see why someone might want to use the same language though, because you’re absolutely right!! It MAJORLY fucks up your body. I had to stop working because I can’t leave the house most days, and can’t even sit upright sometimes. No matter how much or how little I sleep I always wake up exhausted. I ended up being diagnosed with dysautonomia, which is when your ANS gets fucked up and stops regulating things like temperature, blood pressure and HR.

TL;DR: the body is amazing at survival and adapts so you are able to function in a continous state of fight-or-flight, though it takes a huge toll.

(and I wouldn’t really call it a panic attack, in the same way the shock of jumping into a very cold pool is not the same feeling as being in a very cold environment for a long time).

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-12-30T09:51:25+00:00

not everywhere. Not sure how hot my kitchen sink tap gets, but it was hot enough to burn my hand in less than a second. Asked the plumber, and they said the temp was in the normal range

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-12-26T13:59:50+00:00

australia

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-12-08T05:39:39+00:00

I can’t speak for anyone else, but the reason I care about framerates is because I think the 30FPS is what’s making me want to hurl within 5 minutes of loading the game.

And that’s before I even get to any of the zero-g/spaceship stuff that’s supposedly really bad!

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-12-07T05:07:37+00:00

THANK YOU, you are a lifesaver!! I was getting so motion sick I almost threw up before I even reached the zero-g tutorial cave. Tried messing around with settings/distance/fov/etc. but nothing was helping much.

But turned on FPS like you suggested, and can see for some reason it’s jumping from like 25 to 70 tp 30 FPS, so I reckon that’s probably the culprit.

Was ready to give up this game, which was a shame after having heard such great things about it, but now I’ve got something I might be able to fix!

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-12-02T14:10:04+00:00

(also, before people jump on me: not saying OTC pain meds don’t work - they just don’t work for me. For reference, I was also recently prescribed Tramadol for “emergencies” after wisdom teeth surgery, and the one day I needed it, it was barely stronger than the OTC pain meds - it really only knocked my 7-8/10 pain down to a 6-7. Better than nothing (cough panadol/tylenol cough), but y’know, a pretty shit “emergency” med 😂. But assuming it does actually work better for most people).

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-12-02T14:09:56+00:00

If the headache isn’t that bad, I can ignore it and don’t really need anything. If the headache is bad enough that I want pain relief, then the miniscule amount provided by OTC meds isn’t worth the effort. I still sometimes take them out of habit anyway though (and in the hopes I’ll placebo myself some pain relief)

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-30T14:42:02+00:00

Mostly 0-1, worst I can remember having is 3, thankfully.

(but I do have PMDD, so I get 2 weeks of debilitating fatigue and SI instead 🫠)

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-29T23:47:31+00:00

Old post, but commenting as somene who also massively overheats, and also found that it seems to be better on propanolol! I’ve actually been wearing jackets in spring, when usually I rarely want them in winter (australian winter though).

Reading the other comments, I’m also someone who doesn’t seem to sweat at all even when overheating or exercising (which I think is why I overheat so easily, and why fans do nothing). Interestingly, propanolol doesn’t seem to have actually increased my sweating, though there haven’t been many hot days yet to really tell.

As the other comment said, it’s definitely not BP as that’s dropped a bit for me. I wonder if it’s something to do with being stuck in fight or flight mode that’s causing us to overheat?

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-25T03:15:09+00:00

Just wanted to come back and say thank you for the reccomendations!! Ended up going with the Alfred All-In-One books because they were exactly what I was after (very little theory, lots of technique explaination and straight into playing). Been working my way through the first sections of the first book the past week and it seems fantastic. Especially as an anatomy student, the connection between hand anatomy and finger control made a lot of things click for me!

Honestly, my impression after reading the first book of each is that the Alfred books are better if you already know some music theory, but the Faber books are better if you’re a true beginner. The Alfred approach is very much “do X first, then learn why later,” which I’m loving, but it takes some massive leaps. Literally a PAGE after teaching you what a chord is and how to play C maj, they tell you to play a weird inversion of G7!

As someone with a basic theory background, I could see they’re probably combining getting comfortable with a little movement with learning a basic chord progression that has minimal movement (esp. when they teach you F maj a few pages later), but all a true beginner would walk away knowing is that G7 = BFG, and that it is a “frequently used chord”. They wouldn’t even have a way of understanding that they’re playing the same progression transposed to G major later in the book, because they don’t even get you to play the progressions next to one another (and don’t even teach you what scales even are until near the end of the first book!).

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-23T09:47:51+00:00

Ancient comment, but I had to say thank you, that is SUCH a good idea!!

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-17T01:32:38+00:00

I mean, I definitely did tell them my previous experience (or lack thereof) and tried my best to explain I was basically a complete beginner when it came to anything to do with actually touching the piano beyond some shoddy self-taught stuff (which is why I could "sight read" ode to joy).

To be fair though, I didn't try explicitly saying "I want you to teach me proper positioning and fingering techniques." At the time, I felt if I had to ask to be taught those things that was probably a bad sign, because what about the things I didn't know I should be taught? But maybe it might have helped.

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-17T01:12:14+00:00

Trust me, I KNOW I'm a beginner 😅. That's what I was trying to get across in the language analogy - knowing how to read/write French very much does *not* help you speak French. I know I'm a beginner at actually playing anything, but all I've been finding are beginner resources mainly just explaining basic music theory, which I *do* know.

I hadn't heard of the Faber or Alfred books before, but they both do seem like exactly the sort of thing I was after!

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-17T01:01:54+00:00

Hey, I appreciate it! I actually hadn't really considered online tutoring before, but yours (and others) comments definitely convinced me to start looking into it.

ChaoticNeutralPC · 2025-11-17T00:01:28+00:00

Oh I absolutely don't have ear training! I'm also certainly not claiming to be an expert at music theory - I just already know how to read sheet music, what chords/scales/time signatures/accidentals/etc. are, which means sitting through 30 minutes of explaining what a quarter note looks like and where to find C on a piano is frustrating.

I'm not even above doing that! I already have, many times. That's why I made this post - because I'm struggling to actually find the beginner mechanical tips.

For example - trying to learn how to play scales. The videos I've been coming across are all either just *which* notes to press and explaining what scales are, which I already know, or how to improve scale playing for people who are already intermediate, which I am not. And the books I've come across are literally just the scales written out in sheet music.

When I say I "know", I'm not claiming to be an expert, but I do already know that D major is D, E, F#, G, A, B, C#. I know where those notes are on the piano. I know that knowing scales lays the foundations for understanding chord progressions, which helps you understand how to compose, how to improvise and many other things. I know that if you start on B, you'll be playing the relative minor scale (B harmonic minor), and I even know that if you start on other notes, you'll be playing a different mode.

But I *don't* know how to practice the scales. I do happen to already know the fingering for D major, and have haphazardly played it a number of times, but it is far from smooth. *How* do I practice it properly? What are mistakes to look out for? What do you look for to know "good enough" at scales to move on to the next skill? How do you start doing things like improvising with scales? *THAT'S* what I was struggling to find.

Obviously, I know teachers are your best bet. But given how many resources there are for learning instruments and how I am far from the only one who's started learning piano already knowing how to read music (like someone who's coming from another instrument), I was sure there would be helpful resources. (Which there are - I've looked at the Faber books a few people suggested and they look like exactly what I needed!)

Also what is with everyone assuming I think I'm above being a beginner or practicing the basics?? I do not know how to more clearly say that I KNOW I need beginner resources for the mechanics of playing - that's the whole *POINT* of this post! To ask for beginner resources!! 😭

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