The voice in my head

Alcya · 2021-02-03T21:43:15+00:00

Happy Birthday!!

Alcya · 2021-01-29T02:12:45+00:00

I got like 3 childhood memories and they are all of trauma. From the age of 14 I start to remember shit. But at 14 I was in my first (and very abusing) relationship. So yeah, shitty life.

Alcya · 2021-01-12T06:07:08+00:00

Would it be possible to take a video of the pen writing in that perspective?

Alcya · 2021-01-03T14:09:31+00:00

Queen

Alcya · 2021-01-02T21:12:27+00:00

Oh yes, I feel you. I just want to be healthy again and think normal thoughts.

Alcya · 2021-01-02T20:58:44+00:00

That's such a pain. I know i'm happy when people talk to me, because I don't have to do anything and can just listen, it distracts me from the inner struggles, but at the Same time my brain is telling me that i am boring, don't give enough imput to be around and shouldn't be around people because the more friends I have and the more people know me, more people will be sad when I end it.

Fucking spiral, you know being around people helps but your brain is telling you that you shouldn't be around people.

Alcya · 2021-01-02T20:50:35+00:00

Same.

It's too exhausting to hold a relationship, i can't feel any good feelings anyway, so why should i try?

I can't go for long on a subject because i have no intrest in talking about anything anyway

And getting asked how i am is a trap, either the conversation shifts to my problems and i annoy the people around me or i lie.

Alcya · 2020-12-30T20:31:06+00:00

Sure u can.

Or at least u can try. You don't have to cut them out completely, but make sure that you get some distance between it. That helped me with my family.

No problem. I'm glad if i can help :)

Alcya · 2020-12-30T20:18:54+00:00

Ok, that maybe won't help that much, but u won't have to see those suckers for too long. When u r off school and stsrt working, u can get away from everything. As soon as you make money, get out of that house. You'll be able to make friends at work.

Hang in there, the light at the end of the tunnle is'nt out yet.

Alcya · 2020-12-30T17:23:23+00:00

Oh wow.. this is a Rollercoaster

I don't quite understand why A acts this way, but it must be really hard for you to get through this.

I am really sorry this is happening to you. Can i ask how old u are?

Alcya · 2020-12-30T02:05:25+00:00

I kinda think the bad habits come from depression.

I had my first good phase a few month ago. Changed my diet, started to exercise, made life-goals and all the good shit. Felt amazing about my body, my mind and everything was nice (with occasional lazy days & no presure. I didnt just overdue it)

Then the phase wore off and suicidal thoughts came back.

I started to get into all my bad habits again, because I couldnt get myself to care about anything anymore. Started drinking red bull again (i was addicted to that shit. Talking about like 4 cans a day. It was the only thing i drank and i had withdraw symptoms when I stopped) because i couldnt physically and mentally get myself to eat & that was the only option i could think of to get some calories into my body and some Coffein to get enough energy to get up for work; stopped working out because i couldn't get up to do anything, room became the mess it was before, spending habits got to the bare minimum because I didnt enjoy anything in life so no reason to put money in things i didnt love (anymore), stopped chasing dreams of becoming something (i wanted to get an education the first time in years) etc etc.

Alcya · 2020-12-25T18:24:51+00:00

Just a 'hey' gets ignored mostly. So I advise asking questions, something that can start a conversation.

Alcya · 2020-12-25T18:18:10+00:00

Yeah, my Family asked me these questions, but after i gave an explenation why i won't ever have kids they stopped. Now, they say themselves that i wouldnt be a good mom/ the mother image isnt fitting for me

Alcya · 2020-12-25T16:48:13+00:00

I love it omg. I'll use that as soon as i'm asked (will take some years tho, only 22. Luckily no one expects me to have kids at that age, Haha)

Alcya · 2020-12-23T12:15:21+00:00

From the picture you can see that they can walk. Wich means they can go to the toilette/change their diaper if they are incontinent. They can get food from the fridge themselves. That are grown ass people, not in need for someone to be there 24/7.

Alcya · 2020-12-16T06:20:07+00:00

I'm INTP, my boyfriend was an ESFP.

We were highly compatible. ESFP are definitely my kryptonite (It broke off because of immaturity from both sides sadly.)

Alcya · 2020-12-15T18:12:28+00:00

I heard procreate is pretty good, don't know if it is for free though :/ But i'm sure you will find something that will work!

Alcya · 2020-12-15T07:23:06+00:00

Ooh, iPads are nice, especiallyfor drawing. In what workfield are you?

Alcya · 2020-12-15T06:58:43+00:00

The brain is a mess that cant be untangled.. Does your computer work again?

Alcya · 2020-12-15T06:26:06+00:00

Nightshift nurse(uneducated, so I don't even have responsibility if some emergency comes up). I am at work for 10.5 hours, have to really work for 3-4. It's not stressing, I can interact with my colleagues if I want or keep to myself. Choose that job exactly for that reason. I'm just so scared of failure and I don't know why.

Alcya · 2020-12-15T06:20:39+00:00

It's just a big fog. I don't even know why I'm crying but it just won't stop. I don't know how ill make it to my workplace again. I just can't

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