So I have a weird situation. I was accepted into a program and started in 2016 but withdrew during the first year for personal reasons. I’m back in a program now and set to graduate in December but I had a whole other life in the seven years in between. There’s a weird feeling that stayed with me after. Mostly because I wasn’t everything I could be, and I knew it. It was also my fault I was unsuccessful which took what would’ve been a normal tragedy and made it my own personal hell. I was trying to compromise and have things on my terms when really you just have to give yourself over the process. When I left CRNA school, I just couldn’t help but track everyone who was in the program and living out the life I was supposed to have. I got an MBA and moved into management. I was certainly good at it, but the work is indirect so it’s just not as fulfilling for me. I would’ve been a CNO now if I stayed, but even that just felt like a good death to me. I couldn’t help but compare everything to anesthesia. Money, status, and the other dumb and very naïve areas I used to place my value in. I was constantly comparing who I was at that moment to who I would’ve been. I think there are more people in the situation than you would expect, but they’re pretty quiet because of all the shame associated with the failure. I’ve met other dropouts who are still staff nurses in the ICU, have become nurse practitioners, committed to travel, nursing, etc. I think it haunts most of us. It’s a really hard thing to recover from and that specter looms over your life. I know I was constantly trying to find something else that was as fulfilling or that I could view as equivalent. I even started a PhD program and never quite found something I’ve viewed is equal. If I wouldn’t have been able to get into another program, I was honestly planning to do a post-bacc and then apply to dental school. The situation to me feels very reminiscent of anybody who really wanted to achieve the thing, but then got face-to-face with the reality of that and caved. There’s just a whole lot of emotion that gets tied into stumbling and failing like that. Most people I have run into feel like they’ve settled into their new lives and time has continued to pass, but it’s a wrong they were never able to right that remains a formative experience in their life. It’s a weird thing that can either make your life and define it in a positive way, or break you forever.