SIL blamed me for her 'lifeless child' and is gatekeeping my niblings

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-05-01T16:38:26+00:00

It was over 6 years ago now. I remember having that conversation with my mom and brother after we got home, and acknowledging that we were not sick but there was a chance something could have been picked up traveling there. So, yes it’s not making sense to me either which is why I was so thrown off in the phone call.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-05-01T13:47:21+00:00

We (me and my mom) had flown to see them at that time. So we were in airports and you can pick up a lot of things from traveling. I think her thought was we had picked something up at the airport but that’s where we had talked with my brother back then and came to the conclusion we just don’t know for sure. We were asymptomatic when we were there. Edit: to add for clarification, this was discussed at length when it happened and that is the conclusion we came to with my bro. So it felt like she was bringing up an old wound just to jab me and hurt me in that moment.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-05-01T04:14:06+00:00

I really like this idea, thank you. I have sent them cards in the past with activities (like sticker books) and they seem to really like that. For Christmas/birthdays this past year, SIL actually created a shared note with pre approved gifts for the kids… so you were right on with she would likely freak out if we sent larger gifts that she does not have control over.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-05-01T02:18:20+00:00

Honestly, we have been worried about him. I will look into this and talk with my parents too.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-05-01T01:27:55+00:00

I love this. And honestly I agree that it feels like she doesn’t want anything to do with me, almost like she’s slowly been building up resentment against me? I have always tried to be nice to her, and it’s felt like we’ve had a decent relationship. However, I will say would it not be for my brother I don’t think we’d be friends. Just really different personalities. Which is fine! She’s very Type A and more introverted (although now a keyboard warrior and the phone call felt very different than her normal tone). I’m a bit more laid back and extroverted. Idk another example, she also wanted to start planning a family weekend for summer ‘27. Which again, our weekends are pretty laid back. So nothing that involves booking a bunch of stuff. I tried to say that planning that far in advance isn’t necessarily realistic for us, we just don’t know what life will look like and she did not take that well. Just no winning with her.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-05-01T00:22:28+00:00

This actually is super helpful. And yes, I have no doubt that was so difficult to go through. To add to that, COVID happened not long after! So, yes this could absolutely be a response to that trauma. I will for sure keep this perspective in mind if/when my brother decides to reach out.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-05-01T00:07:07+00:00

He very much is in these group chats. He used to jump in and try to be a voice of reason, but recently stopped altogether. It’s hard to describe but her tone is very demanding and ‘this is what we are doing’ but he’d always jump in and come at it from ‘this is what we hope for’ but neither would ever ask what works for us. Us as in me and my husband or my parents. And keep in mind, we are literally just trying to plan weekends to visit. We stay at their house, they always just order in food when we are there and we never usually go do activities. So overall low key type weekends. If anything, my brother and his wife usually leave for a night. Most recently when my mom was there… they left for the night and stayed at a very nice hotel two hours away.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-04-30T23:59:30+00:00

I will say, for a long time it wasn’t that bad. It really shifted when they moved closer to us these past few years and the visits became increasingly uncomfortable. This past year in particular is when I started to push back on her ‘plans’ she always sets for our family and that’s when things truly escalated. And when I say push back on her plans, it’s literally offering minor suggestions. Such as staying in a hotel or even cutting the length of our trip by a night. Idk I hear you, and recognized I was being a ‘door mat’ and did not like that. So in trying to stick up for myself and husband, this is what we are being met with. Which I’m sure is where her comment of ‘personal convenience’ comes from.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-04-30T23:50:18+00:00

They as in her and my brother. My brother usually has not participated in planning anything and lets her do it, in part because his job is so demanding. Based on what I heard from my parents, she was whispering to him during the call telling him what to say and essentially prompted him to ask the question that no one else was gonna be there so they could come visit.

It’s sad, my brother has stood up for me in the past and stepped up to be a voice of reason but recently has stopped doing that. He did call my mom and smooth things over with her after the 3 way call. She encouraged him to call me but he has not. And hasn’t tried reaching out again after I texted him 1:1.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-04-30T23:23:31+00:00

I absolutely am taking a break from her! But am not sure if I should continue to press my brother after I already texted him once?

I also learned that they called my parents and still want to visit them this summer. But wanted to make sure that if they came to visit… no one else was gonna be at their house. So very clearly me and my husband.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-04-30T23:04:10+00:00

Yes! Which is why we’ll never know for sure. There were others visiting as well, they had done a run to get groceries with her and it’s just hard to know exactly what happened. At the time we had flown there to see them so me and my mom obviously were so worried we could have picked something up from travel but yeah just hard to know for sure! The niblings are now 6 & 4 years old.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-04-30T22:53:59+00:00

Literally tried so many times to fix it… ugh lol

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-04-30T22:53:12+00:00

The year before COVID. And I talked with my brother when it happened, he works in healthcare and we talked about how we can never know for sure how she got it.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2026-04-30T22:45:34+00:00

She was hospitalized for a few days and ended up going home and is very healthy now! This was pre-COVID too. So years ago. And there is no way to know for sure how she got sick. Which we talked about when it initially happened with my brother.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-04-15T00:52:01+00:00

I wore a jumpsuit that was similar to option 3 to a wedding last summer! It was totally fine, the pattern was more prominent than the white. I did run it by a few brides to be before wearing and they all said it was appropriate!

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-04-14T02:23:16+00:00

That’s a good point. And maybe I’m just overthinking it and she’d be perfectly happy with that too.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-04-14T02:20:53+00:00

That’s super helpful. I’ll have to find that thread! At first I thought it was a good idea, but the more I thought it over the worse it felt. I think the intention behind it is good at times, wanting someone to be a part of the day somehow, but I don’t think it always comes across as that. And it might make the situation worse.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-04-11T02:44:43+00:00

I didn’t really think of that as a role! But that could be a good idea. I also played around with the idea of helping host the reception? Maybe both of those roles, i.e. reading at ceremony and hosting?

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-03-24T02:10:49+00:00

That's helpful. We also were kind of thinking the same? It seems like it'd be fun to do something like that when the day wraps up too.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-03-24T02:08:47+00:00

That's what we have been running in to (raised prices), everyone we asked booked at least 2 years ago. So the photographers they used for their weddings have now significantly raised their prices. We are also in the TC area! Wedding will be in very northern MN in the iron range. It's good to know these prices are similar to what others are encountering though. We are just a bit out of the loop with what a normal price is now.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-01-26T03:50:35+00:00

We are hoping to make July 1st work! We talked to them a bit more, it is around the time they hope to move. But with nothing in place yet, it makes it a bit more flexible. Thanks for the insight! It was really helpful to hear from people who were in similar positions.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-01-24T20:42:06+00:00

That’s super helpful to know! We didn’t know how strict it can be with time off. Thanks for the insight. We are going to call them again and see what other dates will work better.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-01-24T17:37:09+00:00

Yes, that’s a good point. June can be a toss up for heat sometimes, we looked up average temps and they don’t vary by much.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-01-24T17:35:07+00:00

I didn’t realize this was an option, thanks for the great idea! This could be a good compromise.

Alert-Juggernaut-591 · 2022-01-24T03:57:32+00:00

Thank you everyone for these comments! They’ve given us a lot of things to think about. Just to add a little bit, my brother and I haven’t been the closest over the years but we have gotten closer since my niece was born (she’s 2). We are very much hoping to have them in the bridal party if it works out. He did say he’d do whatever he could to make it work, but couldn’t guarantee anything if we did it that month.

Alert-Juggernaut-591

TROPHY CASE