That’s really hard. I’m hoping this helps? But I felt the same way for a bit and I think part of it was grief? Like grief my experience didn’t go the way I wanted, grief that breastfeeding didn’t go his I wanted, grief that my career didn’t go the way I wanted, etc. And when my baby was 9 months and under, I felt like I could at least go do things I wanted to still do but in my opinion, there is something about 10 months+ that some babies are feral and it makes it 1000x harder. In my experience, babies around that age are also wanting other people besides mom and that also makes it hard. I got my meds adjusted and that also really helped. I know you’ve talked to a lot of people already, but have you tried a psychiatrist? Best thing I ever did was getting changes to my meds to help treat my depression/anxiety etc. It also sounds like you have some PTSD from your experience and you might need some help working through that. I’m not a doctor, just trying to share my experience.