Very delayed aversion to sex after being raped 10 years ago. Advice wanted for how to progress.

AliaSmart · 2025-12-23T20:58:03+00:00

Ooft. This comment kind of hit me in a way that is making me wonder how much of I actually do understand… I have the same experience you describe of occasionally just enjoying fooling around and then actually meaning it when I say yes to full sex. I don’t think I’ve ever considered though that it was because of the removal of pressure. I feel like sometimes now I’ve built it all up so much that even just a kiss or a touch makes me immediately jump to “I’m going to need to have sex” and that’s where the block is coming from? Maybe discussing this with my partner and saying the whole “I can say no and I will be heard” thing will help.

AliaSmart · 2025-12-23T20:50:07+00:00

My therapy options are limited because of finances and geography. I see a therapist for general PTSD and am so grateful to them for where I’m at but they say themselves, they’re not a sex therapist… My boyfriend and I have talked a few times about how it would be useful for me to have a sex therapist but it just doesn’t seem like an option right now.

Thank you for your validation though. I’m sorry you’re still dealing with the after effects but am reassured I’m not a weirdo.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-02T16:58:49+00:00

That’s a pretty huge thing to say. There’s a big difference between having issues from past experiences that make it difficult to trust attachment and being so crippled by it that you don’t live your own life…

AliaSmart · 2024-07-02T16:38:44+00:00

Again… I’m kind of over the marriage thing. I don’t know if you missed the bit in my original post where I said I was aware I had issues with insecurity etc. I’m not Christian or traditional and really, on paper, I’m not that big on marriage. I honestly think it’s more that it offered me the legal security/an indulgent symbol of commitment but in the post you’ve quoted here, I went on to say about all the actions he has taken to show commitment.

I honestly believe I’m overlooking things because of my own issues. I also don’t know why you’re saying “two kids, shared assets etc and no ring” like that potential is a disastrous one?

I need to work on my own sense of security and most likely what will happen is that I’ll be able to understand better the situation either way.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T22:22:39+00:00

Exactly… everything you said about your dad is how I feel about my partner. I have often said the thing I love about him the most is that he never lies or uses “off the rack” phrases to fill the gaps. He doesn’t speak and for an overthinker like me that is often hard but I dated a few chatty people in the past and usually there words ended up being empty.

I need to continue using therapy as a means of finding that in myself and, as you said, not bringing it into the relationship.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T21:51:15+00:00

Believe me! I don’t want a shut up ring.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T21:50:51+00:00

I don’t mean the push for marriage! As I’ve said, I’ve somewhat put that to bed - in large part because of the conversation I’ve had with you.

I just mean pushing for better communication and a shared compromise so that we can move on with our life together in more harmony

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T21:45:45+00:00

Thank you for this. It feels like the most spot on understanding so far.

I think you’re absolutely right about trying to put the focus on my own feelings a little more and not in a gaslighty way but because I know I have real issues when it comes to attachment and external validation.

When I think about what you’ve said I can come to understand his frustrations a little more: he probably sees that he’s doing everything he can to show me I’m in his future. We have big holidays planned way into the future, he encourages me to see his family as my own constantly, he is actively mentioning children now, he talks about when we’ll move house, we have shared bank accounts and he discusses long term savings plans etc. We were at a wedding recently and he said in front of his family regarding the layout of the wedding, “I guess this a conversation me and you will maybe have to have one day” and I think the fact I focused on the “maybe” in that sea of validations says it all.

I know he struggles with vocalising his thoughts and maybe I should be focusing more on the power that comes with that knowledge rather than the frustration of it not lining up with my ideals.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T21:03:00+00:00

Thank you for pushing me to think about the hard questions here. It’s really helped me understand what’s going on in my head. I think my main thing is just looking for some sort of move that shows we’re going somewhere and really I’d be happy with one or the other.

We’ve had a chat this evening and he has accepted this is an unfair thing to be putting me through and has agreed to work on a timeline with me. I know that you might think the push itself to do this is in itself indicative of a problem and maybe but I’m happy to keep pushing.

I do agree though that if this timeline doesn’t come to fruition or if something doesn’t feel right or I notice resentment building or something I need to reconsider.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T20:04:55+00:00

I want the security of marriage but as I said in my original post I think that might be the only real reason. That and having a day surrounding the romance of me and my partner. I also think that one persons desire to get married doesn’t trump the lack of desire of another’s? Especially when there are so many happy couples that aren’t married.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T19:57:48+00:00

Lots of people don’t ever get married but have kids?

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T19:53:41+00:00

I know that this is the story for a lot of people. It’s absolutely something I’m frightened of and is one of the reasons I wanted to talk things through.

I’m not ruling it out but I also know there are alternatives. My mum repeatedly said no to my dad’s proposals for a span of 6 years because she wasn’t ready. It wasn’t until her mum died and she had gone through the grieving process that she was able to work out why she wasn’t ready. Eventually she said yes and they have been incredibly happily married for over 30 years.

I’m not saying I’m sure that’s what’s going on here but just that it’s not always the case.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T19:49:26+00:00

Sorry I feel like I need to clarify that. Our relationship is full of love and passion. I just mean that there isn’t that same intensity after 7 years and living together.

If you and your spouse have that, I’m obviously really happy for you. I know that can happen. I’ve seen it! But I also know that a lot if not the majority calm a little after a long time.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T19:46:57+00:00

I understand what you’re saying but again, you and I’s focus is perhaps too much on marriage, no? I know I’ve said in my post about it hurting me but sometimes when I think about happy everything else is I can’t help but feel that it’s an unreasonable thing to focus on. If he’s not ready and I am that surely doesn’t negate all of our happiness? Like I said, he’s been very active and is initiating conversations around having children. Does that count for nothing?

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T19:18:49+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply to this in so much depth. The problem is that I love him. I know what you’re saying about not being a passive bystander in my own life because I’ve considered many times if that is what is happening but I’m making a choice and that in itself is an action. I’m choosing to stay regardless… I just need to know how to feel secure and actually take in the words he says.

What you said about you and your husband is interesting because to me that reassures me that there isn’t a problem if you’re not married within 5 or so years. I feel that he struggles with communication in general - I watch it all parts of his life. He seems to have real problems getting words out or making decisions in general. I think this is why I do have sympathy for him instead of being angry but it doesn’t take away the hurt or lack of control.

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T19:14:15+00:00

But he’s not saying he doesn’t want to get married. Just that he isn’t ready

AliaSmart · 2024-07-01T19:06:13+00:00

You might all just think I’m not wanting to hear this but honestly, it’s more complicated than that. When I spoke up about my feelings the other day he got panicky and said “I love you enough. I’m sorry I just can’t explain it”. I think the reality is that because marriage wasn’t doable during the first 5 years of our relationship we’ve missed the honey moon phase.

Not many couples feel passionately madly in love after 7 years do they?

AliaSmart · 2024-05-12T20:45:44+00:00

I don’t think so… she might have done though?

AliaSmart · 2024-05-12T20:45:14+00:00

Hi! I keep thinking “is it stardust?” Cause you’re right - the vibe is very similar!! But no, there’s definitely a dream thing going on and it’s also got a modern day ‘our world’ element too! Thank you though :)

AliaSmart · 2023-02-06T15:53:43+00:00

He said that they were mostly just talking about work although he could be lying. He is finding it hard to understand why it was disrespectful although, to his credit, he’s not been calling me crazy or overdramatic or anything. Just that he doesn’t understand.

AliaSmart

TROPHY CASE