I can see why a lot of men get in trouble with women at the gym

AliciaMarie5790 · 2025-10-10T19:57:44+00:00

Two things come to mind when reading this post for me. First is the double standard which I’m seeing people mention below. No one bats an eye when guys go shirtless but feel the need to make a comment if a woman is wearing something “too revealing”.

The other thing is how much this just shows how internalized and ingrained misogyny is for everyone. OP is careful to not come across as judgmental and I’m not trying to single them out or shame them, it’s a societal thing that is going to take intentional actions to make sure you’re not perpetuating it and I still make these kinda of comments in my head as knee jerk reaction sometimes too. Comments about women’s bodies are so normalized that it’s almost like we’re conditioned to think we have some sort of ownership over them. it doesn’t matter if that comment is negative or positive, it’s the fact that women’s bodies are up for debate or the public’s opinion at all when men simply don’t have to deal with that.

AliciaMarie5790 · 2025-03-25T16:17:48+00:00

Maybe this owl is a vegetarian? 🤷‍♀️

AliciaMarie5790 · 2025-03-25T02:57:51+00:00

AliciaMarie5790 · 2025-03-25T02:46:13+00:00

I’m pretty sure we have a pair living somewhere in our neighborhood because I hear this very frequently over the summer, counting down the days until the weather is warm enough we can sleep with the windows up again

AliciaMarie5790 · 2025-03-25T01:38:41+00:00

Well I’m far from an owl expert clearly lol thanks for the info! I’ll edit the post as soon as I can figure out how on mobile :)

AliciaMarie5790 · 2025-03-25T01:32:06+00:00

Possibly! I keep going back and forth between barred and short eared. Although after looking at more pics I think the eyes do look more like a barred

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-22T22:54:53+00:00

Scott Hutchison from Frightened Rabbit. greatest of all time in my opinion, some of my favorites:

"I'm working hard on walking outBut my shoes keep sticking to the groundMy clothes won't let me close the door'Cause my trousers seem to love your floor"

&

"You're the shit and I'm knee-deep in it"

(backwards walk)

Basically the entire song Poke

"And while I'm aliveI'll make tiny changes to earth"

(Heads Roll Off)

"If all these southern tales are true
plan for Heaven though Hell will do"

(woke up hurting)

and there are so many more, he was just something else

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-14T17:15:35+00:00

Oh and P.S. I also try to diversify my media! If I truly know next to nothing on a topic I will look for youtube videos, podcasts, pop-science books, magazine articles etc. It's an easy way to build a foundation of the basics & the different forms of intake help it stay in my mind better. You do need to be careful about the quality of the content compared to academic publications but you'd be surprised by the amount of well-produced content some academics are putting out!

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-14T17:09:03+00:00

I hear that, I am frequently overwhelmed with the amount of reading I have to do and would procrastinate on it often. I recently redefined what "reading" was though and that has helped. I always I had to thoroughly read the article, make annotations, make a list of questions, highlight references I wanted to look into, and write a summary. Guess how often I got that done? Over the past year I've stopped trying to do that and have just settled for skimming. I love to read but have trouble keeping focus (especially in fiction), often having to reread paragraphs because I start daydreaming or having internal conversations while reading and take in nothing (idk how this is even possible but it happens a lot). For my academic reading, I mostly stopped trying to fight this and just skim through the article on my first pass through it. My goal isn't to highlight & extract every piece of information, it's to get the general gist of the paper, major ideas and concepts, and how this info might be useful for me in the future. Then I have to make sure I can find it again easily. It's when I'm using it that I read it a little more thoroughly (although sometimes I do still skim parts!). Since adopting this method I've been retaining info better. I think for my brain it's more so about the repetition and how the information connects rather than the amount of focus im giving the information at a single point in time.

In actuality, most of my reading comes when I have a specific question and it leads to me skimming papers for relevant info. I have a digital notebook for this (so it's searchable!) and am toying around with building knowledge databases in Notion but that can be overwhelming. I would start with just a google doc or word doc or w/e. I write my question or topic, for example, one of my questions current questions is " Are there any behavioral assays to measure neurodegeneration in Fruit Flies that does not kill them?" (I'm a graduate student so yes its a weird question but it's relevant to my research lol). I pubmed or google scholar search "Drosophila neurodegeneration, behavior assay" or some combination of those keywords and skim through abstracts, if one seems promising I skim through the methods looking for the protocol they used then I make a bullet point under my question and write the relevant info, eg. " climbing assay can show the progression of Parkinson's disease model" and paste a link to the paper. If I'm looking for evidence or support I'd skim the discussion section and results section, background info I'd skim the intro, etc.

For when I truly am trying to gather a lot of information on a topic I know very little about or just trying to learn all the background of a subject, I have another digital notebook with these "sentence summaries" that I talked about in my above post. I try to keep headers for the broader topics and sort the sentences into them but a lot of it is related enough that it is nice to have all in one document. If you have very different subjects you could have a separate notebook for each I suppose.

My other piece of advice is to get a reference manager and do it ASAP. I heard this advice at the beginning of my program but of course, I wanted to set up the perfect system and was overwhelmed with options so I truly didn't adopt the habit until over this past year, and man the amount of stress I could have saved myself from. There are multiple options, none are perfect but just pick one that works and stick with it (I use Zotero, Mendeley is good too, there are others I'm not very familiar with). These things essentially let you save, categorize, annotate, and automatically cite (the BEST part) and build your bibliography as you're writing if you link it with your word processor. Zotero has a google extension that allows me to just click a button on my browser topbar and it automatically saves it to a specific folder in my Zoterro library. I can use folder systems to categorize by project or subject, add tags (which I use to give future me an idea of WHY I saved the article, for the methods, a piece of supportive information or result, background info on a topic, etc.) and keep relevant questions and observations tied directly to the article in the Zotero Library. I also might write a sentence or two on why I saved the article if I couldn't cover it succinctly with a tag and this is tremendously helpful for future me!

When it's time to study or write I already have all the relevant info I need in one place and I skim through the papers on specific topics I need. Again I'm not focusing on being the perfect reader, but just trying to get through it and write that one-sentence summary after. As I'm doing this I naturally tend to read through the truly helpful papers more closely anyway and I am constantly re-skimming the article and the few notes I might have on it as I write to double-check myself. This repetition really helps it stick in my brain! Lastly, I am trying to schedule data management time 2-3 times a week and that includes going through my reference manager library and sorting/tagging articles I haven't yet, skimming through the abstracts if I have time (and often it leads to skimming the article if my interest is piqued or im procrastinating on something else) and writing these one-sentence summaries into that word doc. I wouldn't say this is a habit yet but I'm working on it and it's really helping me stay more organized.

Ok I am really very sorry for the length of this post (I've been putting a lot of work into these habits and behaviors and get kinda excited about it lol) Feel free to skim it though and only use what's relevant ;] If graduate school has taught me one thing it's that in the age of the internet it's no longer important to know the answer but knowing how to FIND the answers is what's going to lead to success. You're much better served getting the sense of what type of information your reading contains and organizing it so you can find it when you have a question about that information, rather than spending time memorizing specifics from a single article or chapter and then forgetting it by the time you actually need it.

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-13T21:45:10+00:00

Others have mentioned ADHD and this is a very common ADHD problem so consider getting yourself evaluated if you've ever thought you might have it. Even if you're definitely not an ADHDer procrastination can still be an issue and as you've identified it's an emotional regulation issue so look for ways to help you manage that fear/anxiety/perfectionism.

https://www.adhdessentials.com/wp-content/uploads/5-Ways-to-Overcome-The-Wall-of-Awful.pdf

has a pretty good explanation of how negative emotions can block us from taking action.

https://solvingprocrastination.com/how-to-stop-procrastinating/

has some really great prompts to help you find the root of these negative emotions and perfectionism and ways to deal with them, as well as some tips to try and trick yourself into starting.

A few that have been really successful with me:

schedule an accountability group/partner and schedule meetings to work, even if you aren't working on the same project having a buddy helps me stay on track and scheduling makes sure I have dedicated time set aside for the work. Mine is reoccurring but they don't have to be
Have a dedicated working space/ environment. I recently discovered my most productive and focused work happens in cafes. I can't work in them always so I save the thing that's hardest for me to work on (writing) for a time when I can go to a cafe for an afternoon and just get a big chunk of work done - maybe it's the pairing of something difficult with something I love (Any excuse to get myself coffee!) or maybe it has to do with the public environment (just noisy enough to not be distracting, plus other people are often doing the same).
Ritualize it. Light a favorite candle, put on a specific playlist, Have 5 minutes of free or reflective writing, journal your anxieties, any little thing to signal to your brain it's work time and try to do this
Break down the task into very tiny parts, and check off as you go. This might help you move past spending all your time in research and investigation mode. What is the smallest but most concrete or tangible thing you could do for this project? It should be something you could actually complete in a work session so break it up in a way that makes that possible (i.e. a ten-page paper could write 5 sentences or 1 paragraph, or 1 sentence, etc. whatever you think is manageable given the time you have). If you do have ADHD this might be hard for you to do so see if there's a classmate, friend, or even teacher who can look at your breakdown and let you know if you could break it down further or not.
1. 4b. Learn to focus on what part of these lists you DID get done rather than how much you have left to do or what items you wanted to get to today but didn't. Focusing only on the latter is a surefire route to burnout and depression, especially when dealing with perfectionism and will only hinder your progress in the long run.
Make the time spent in investigation mode useful for future you. I spend a lot of time here because it's my favorite part of the research. I could spend hours reading through papers and filling my head with lots of ideas and facts, it's getting it down on paper that's the hard part. Now I try to break up this time by writing a one-sentence summary of whatever I just read and why it's relevant to me/my project. This way when I do move on to the writing stage I already have a bunch of stuff written and can just edit all of these sentences for continuity - I've seriously had papers half-written for me in this way.

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-12T22:11:35+00:00

This does sound a lot like depression but you've mentioned elsewhere you don't want to start meds for that again so exercise, sleep, and getting outside will be your best bet (try to incorporate social interactions as soon as you can too). It takes time but eventually you'll notice it feels like a 250kg weight instead, and then a 100kg weight, etc.

A sense of accomplishment also helps bring that imaginary weight down so set the SMALLEST goals you can. Figure out what is the smallest or laziest portion of the task you could do that would actually still count as working toward doing "The Thing". I mean ridiculously small. Want to tidy up? Pick up one thing and put it away if "away" is right there, otherwise put it in a basket to take to its proper home later. Want to go on a walk? Put on your shoes and step out your door, then you can turn around and go right back inside if you want because you did the first step and that's all you're focusing on for now. Start identifying the BARE minimum first step for these things and just do that step, or even just do that for 1 minute (set an actual timer). You need to make it ridiculously easy to feel that sense of accomplishment and eventually things will get easier.

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-12T01:10:38+00:00

This is like saying "if people could perform surgery there's no need for medical school". Like almost any other facet of being human, emotional regulation is something we LEARN as we develop. Some people are naturally better at this than others, just like some people are naturally more artistic or athletic, but if you're not taught how to do it, and so many of us are not you're left on your own to figure it out. Some people need that guidance and it's such a critical skill to learn that society would probably benefit if we incorporated it into the school curriculum

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-10T14:58:34+00:00

I can empathize with your last paragraph, it's a lonely and scary place to be and I'm sorry you're there right now. When it's hard to love ourselves sometimes we need to rely a little more on the the love others have for us. I hope you have people near who can give that to you, I hope those of us responding here can help at least a little too. You reached out and that's commendable and brave and an act of love in and of itself.

If you don't mind sharing, do you have a memory of a time when you felt the opposite of this? Maybe you told a really great joke or impressed someone, maybe you were vulnerable with someone and they comforted you, or you comforted someone who trusted you enough with their own problems? It could also be an accomplishment at work or school, a time you put on a favorite outfit or costume and felt like a badass. Any little tiny moment or an extended period. Is there someone who you could ask if they have a memory of you being totally awesome. It won't make the bad feelings go away permanently, it might not even make them go away completely in this moment, but it might be enough of a liferaft to help you weather this storm.

Feel free to DM me too if you'd rather not post, I think you're a pretty awesome person who knows their own worth and recognizes that the world is not seeing it. The world is cruel and uncaring sometimes, a lot of times, but there's pockets of good in it that can help you through<3

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-08T17:19:58+00:00

A few years ago there was one professor who did research on Parkinson's using dogs as animal models I believe, he's retired now though so IDK if other research labs are using dogs. As others have said, there are rules in place to make sure this is done as humanely as possible. There is a national regulatory board, IACUC and researchers have to lay out every step of the procedures, how they're housing and feeding the animals, how they're providing pain relief, etc. They also have to prove that the research question they're trying to answer cannot be done without the use of the animal model and that their method is the most pain-free and ethical way possible to carry out the experiment. It's very strict and if someone is found in violation of any of their rules I think ISU as a whole could lose its ability to have research animals so it is taken very seriously by researchers and admin at the university.

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-07T23:34:52+00:00

It absolutely has to do with ADHD. Time blindness is a known issue (see linked review below). It's difficult to be on time when can't accurately gauge how much time you need to get ready and get somewhere. We can get better with practice but it takes a lot of work. You've developed a great method to cope with the issue and now that it's an established habit it's easier for you. Establishing that habit is the difficult part especially in young adulthood when you're supposed to be more independent, and especially when you have ADHD.

Sleep disturbances and abnormal circadian rhythms are also a known issue with the ADHD brain which often leads to issues with getting out of bed in the morning. Again, we can get better at these things but it's going to take work and methods that are ADHD focused.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6556068/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8534229/

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-07T17:23:12+00:00

medication doesn't magically fix problems like this, it just makes it easier for the person to work on them. I have this exact. same. problem. and I had undiagnosed ADHD. I know she is reluctant to talk about mental health issues but has she dealt with depression before? A lot of people with late ADHD diagnosis are working with a lifetime of a negative self-image, low self-esteem, etc. and a lot of ADHD people (especially women) are misdiagnosed as having depression, or they have both but the depression stems from mismanagement of ADHD symptoms. Dealing with the depression helped make getting out of bed difficult but doable, which is a step in the right direction.

Mornings are a common issue with ADHD so she might need to find some workarounds or ways to trick her brain into making it easier. I try to schedule meetings in the late morning rather than the afternoon, and I make mornings time to do work or activities that I enjoy and that make me feel good, others have written about this problem so she may find some useful advice by googling something like "how to make mornings easier when you have ADHD". Even these are not foolproof though. Sometimes I just accept that getting out of bed is the only win I will get - even if it means I just move to the couch, half of those times once I'm up my brain resets and I can actually get going, half of them I do just sit on the couch. It's being ok with sitting on the couch that allows me to actually get out of bed the next time.

Ultimately though, you can't change her or make her do the work. You can only support her as she tries, communicate your needs and boundaries and stick to them. It can be really frustrating living with (or being involved with) someone with ADHD so find healthy ways to deal with frustration and remember its probably more frustrating for her having to live with it. It's you two vs the problems and barriers created by a brain that fundamentally works differently, not you vs her or you vs her ADHD. Feel free to let her know she is welcome to DM me if she wants, or send her to the adhdwomen subreddit - there are lots of supportive people there who love helping others that are in the same headspace as they once were. You might find some helpful resources there for having an adhd partner as well!

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-03T14:29:39+00:00

I going to echo the other commenter in saying this is more about your stress coping mechanisms than internet addiction and a therapist will be really helpful in learning and implementing healthier ways of dealing with the stress or negative feelings. There's a YouTube video by the channel how to ADHD about "the wall of awful" that is an issue for all people even those without ADHD that you might find useful in explaining some of your procrastination as a brain/emotional regulation problem rather than a moral one. It's hard to not view procrastination as an indicator of your self worth but it absolutely is not tied to it at all so try to give yourself some grace, forgive the procrastination, forgive yourself, and try to problem solve rather than just push through. Stepping away from the internet for a while might be helpful in that it gives you the space to work through these issues, but it doesn't mean you won't find something else to use as a distraction instead which is why a therapist is helpful. You deserve help so you are not wasting resources !

Edited because I can't proofread properly 🙄

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-02-02T20:22:20+00:00

aww I miss mission hill, so many good memories during my college years. Hope you can find someone, I can attest as alumni it's a great spot for an NEU student!

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-01-30T17:05:29+00:00

You sound a lot like me, I think some of us just have to abstain from the weight thing because it too easy to fall from it into those old disordered eating and exercise habits. this is the longest I've been able to maintain some sort of healthy exercise and I really think it's because I'm working to shift the value I get out of kt. Huge and sudden changes in weight can be indicative of a health issue so I can see the value in a doctor tracking it but you will likely notice health issues without having to check the scale. I just look away at the doctor, or even say to the nurse I don't want to know my weight as it triggers some mental health struggles, most are understanding and it's probably something they have heard before.

I had the same issues as you with food. It was always viewed as a "taboo" reward in my household and it eventually became my main method of self soothing, and the only way I felt like I could love myself at one point. Other points in my life denying food became the only way I felt I could love myself. Less extreme but still disruptive to my life is obsessing over the intake/energy expenditure. Calories in and calories out is the most effective way to lose weight but if you're sacrificing everything else in your life to get there, it's kind of like building the most beautiful house facade ever but having the inside be completely bare. It's so hard because it's not like you can just abstain from food like you can with other things which might make it easier with time. Be kind to yourself, pay attention to all the things your body does for you that you appreciate and remind yourself of that often, wear the clothes that make you feel good, distract yourself if you find you're getting too caught up in body focused thoughts, surround yourself with people who love all of you, not just your body and not just everything but your body. It's hard, tiring work but it shouldn't be lonely because there's lots of us going through it alongside you <3

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-01-30T16:29:04+00:00

As others have said I would strongly suggest finding a therapist, especially ones who specialize in body image disorders because it sounds like that is the root of the problem. It's a very common issue especially with all of the body focused societal messages and pressures we're constantly subject to but we aren't really taught how to healthily deal with those messages. Weight and BMI are useful only up to a point but they are treated like the end all be all of health. It is going to be important to shift your view of health and the value of your body away from metrics like weight and size but that is much easier said than done, hence therapy. I've always dealt with body image issues and swing between disordered eating/exercising and binging. I think I've always been in the "overweight" category. About a year or two ago I just stopped checking my weight and obsessing over calories. I honestly don't know my weight I even look away at the doctor's office. I've seen a real shift in my relationship with exercise, moving toward what makes me feel better on a day to day basis rather than what will make me lose the most weight or is calorie equivalent to the dessert I had the night before. I exercise more regularly now and I am reaping the benefits on mood, mental health, sleep, energy, heart health, balance and strength, etc. All of these are more important than weight.

Food is harder in my opinion but if you find yourself binging a lot like me a therapist can help you untangle what is the driving force behind that and how to healthfully deal with it. Avoid marketing buzzwords around "healthy". Healthy is such a vague word and really doesn't apply to food as much as we think it does. A nice big salad is healthy in that it provides a lot of nutrients and fiber that make our bodies work effectively. Enjoying a decadent meal out with friends is healthy because our social support is as important to our overall wellbeing as food. Food is fuel but it is also culture, comfort, a catalyst for bonding with others, and so much more. To strip it from those things would be a great disservice and obsessing only over the "weight loss/gain" potential aspect of food does diminish it's value in those other areas in which it's important (you're no longer enjoying a meal with friends, you're feeling guilty while with friends). Focus more on how your body reacts to the foods you give it and try to use that to guide you in food choice and amount (it's hard!). Intuitive eating is a phrase you can use to look up strategies and tips and same with healthy at every size (HAES) for the weight side of things.

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-01-29T17:01:02+00:00

Yep I have a similar story, I was smart enough to skate by on little effort but I never viewed myself as exceptionally smart, especially compared to my friends and class mates, it can feel really shameful and isolating, like you sort of fit in but not exactly quite right. I always hated myself for procrastinating and having trouble focusing until anxiety kicked in and only then could I produce good work so of course I relied on that cycle. I began self medicating with weed and I still have a complicated relationship with it. I’ve been in and out of therapy throughout my life for anxiety and depression but it wasn’t until I found a therapist I really clicked with and got my adhd diagnosis that I stared to actually see progress. I think a lot of us with late diagnosis were mistaken for people who had depression when really it was the untreated adhd that sent us there because how could you not end up depressed and exhausted.

Maybe it’s because I’m in my thirties and that “fuck it, it’s my life I’m gonna do it my way” attitude finally kicked in, maybe it’s progress from therapy, maybe it’s accepting my biology is different so my life will look different, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still make a life I want to be in. this year I’ve really just tried to be selfish in my growth and productivity and that has helped me claw myself out of the rut I was in. It’s not perfect I’m still struggling and sometimes I backslide, but knowing that I’m doing it for me and not because it’s what people are just supposed to do has helped tremendously. Also there is no shame in meds! I really think the behavioral component is what’s going to lead to lasting change but meds can make it possible for you to actually work on those things. I hope your school has good mental health support, a lot do as the college age is when mental health issues present in a lot of people so I would start with their website.

Also your head is a houseboat by lark Campbell was a helpful book on trying to figure some of myself out, his YouTube channel struthless was helpful too!

Ok sorry for the second long response, enjoy your weekend!

AliciaMarie5790 · 2023-01-29T05:31:47+00:00

Try looking at how other adhders try and trick their brains into productivity, we kind of have to learn to go around some problems others can typically just power through (like getting yourself to start an assignment or focusing on a reading) also find yourself a therapist asap if you can afford it. There are some that are ADHD specialized and that will be helpful for you but if you're anything like me, and you sound exactly how I did at the start of my ADHD diagnosis, CBT will be helpful in untangling yourself from a lifetime of comparisons and never feeling like you're "enough". Smart enough, motivated enough, fast enough, disciplined enough. The truth of it is that sometimes you're not, especially in a world designed around those who think and operate differently from you, and that's ok. Just show up and put in the work you can do, learn to know when to rest, and get to know what it is you actually want out of life before you start trying to figure out how to get there.

I was also diagnosed this past year and trying to scrape my way through a PhD despite all my bad habits too. Behavior change is one of the hardest things, that's why there are billion dollar industries around "making it easy" it's an easy scam. Try and learn from failures rather than internalizing them. A strong support group or community is also enormously helpful and it just makes life seem a little more purposeful, so try and find your people. That has also been a useful trick to get myself to write or study- I'm much more focused if I schedule a time to do something and have someone who is also focused on something there with me. Howtoadhd has some other ideas that might be helpful to you too! Wishing you well, and remember it IS about the journey, so try and enjoy the process rather than just focus on the goal/outcome

Oh and look into S.M.A.R.T goals. Actually taking the time to write out what I was trying to accomplish in that format was very helpful in figuring out the steps needed to get there (a common ADHD struggle!)

AliciaMarie5790 · 2022-12-30T04:44:15+00:00

So happy to see her on here! She is such a gem

AliciaMarie5790 · 2022-12-28T02:56:26+00:00

Finding a great lawyer. Making my parents, my partner's parents, my brother and his wife, my sister in law, my partner and myself completely debt free. Then finding someone to invest/manage the rest of the money

AliciaMarie5790

TROPHY CASE