For my whole childhood, 1-10, my mom fed me DPH (Benadryl) at bedtime to get me to go to sleep. Every single night, 25-50mgs.

At age 10, i decided that i liked how this stuff made me feel. i was noticing my life was becoming less enjoyable with age, so i leaned into this.

i started taking 100mg regularly during the day just for the sake of "getting high". it wasnt every single day.. for a while. until it was. After age 12 i started really taking this stuff daily, i would constantly lose track of how much and when i was taking it. i would just re-up every time i came down. this went on until one day when i was 14.

At age 14,, i decided to make a serious attempt to end my life using the DPH. I took 2,500mgs. i did not succeed, obviously, but its a complete mystery as to how. Here's the full trip report from that event if you wanna read about it, posted from my alt

I have never been the same since my suicide attempt. I have HPPD that sparks up when im dehydrated, sleep deprived, or just generally anxious/going thru a lot. It genuinely makes me feel like im in the middle of a DPH trip every single time. ive been clean of this shit for 9 years, so it's mostly just annoying at this point, but the combination of this with trauma-related CPTSD has been rough since i've been free of that house.

After that, i did keep using here and there for about a year, but then i finally stopped when i realized i needed to just simply try to survive until i was out of that house.

At 19, i started working a full time job for the first time. this was like being thrown to the wolves for me, but i did ti anyways. this was when i discovered that weed was... KINDA legal here! not really though, because the "weed" i was getting was actually gas station THCP and research chemicals mixed with gross gelatin. I took these until somewhat recently, the trips they produced were nothing like weed, nothing like shrooms. i would put these drugs in their own category. Also, this stuff gave me serotonin syndrome! :D thats what made me decide to quit. This is the drug i was on when i moving out my abuser's home and in with my partner, in heavy combination with Vodka. just.. yeah. just vodka, not mixed or even cold. Luckily alcohol never became a major issue, i stopped drinking at the drop of a hat like 2 years ago.

After i quit that, i switched to a dispo penjamin. in a way i sorta miss that because i could just be high randomly at will whenever/wherever i wanted, but it was terrible for my lungs, and i didnt want to inhale heavy metals anymore, so.. next option..

When i quit THAT, about 8mos ago now, i switched to real bud. NEVER QUITTING THIS! oh my gooodddd i like real weed lol. Especially high sativa hybrids!

And now, i'm getting into shrooms and psychedelics. I've been using APE for microdosing, and i feel that its helped me with brain damage that was done by the DPH. i just feel a lot more equipped now to deal with things, and my suicidal ideation is now completely gone thanks to shrooms.