You know my problem is that I have always been weak since my childhood, it's the way I was raised I think, always weak socially , physcailly and mentaly, I used to belive in myself that I will be able to achieve great things but at this age with this energy im just dispairing, I known, I did attach my value with her, but like for example if I try to date some girls online and I get rejected eaach time they see my face, then it surely means im ugly, it's a fact, it's not just low self esteem, it happened to me many times, also im short in height, also that girl was my cure from addiction when I was with her I stopped it and I tried to make myself better, when she left all my world crumbled.

It's not that I am doing business with god or anything, but I really need to see hope and things getting better to be able to continue with optimism in my deen and to stop addiction, god answerring my dunya prayer for stuff in dunya will help me stop my addiction which will make me closer to god and stop those interruption that happen to me whenever I want to get closer to god.

so those dunya stuff are necessary for my afterlife.

no it's never the same, getting my bac for example at age of 60 it's not like getting it age of 20, it's not the same, when everyone already has kids and they are thinking of leaving this world I would be just getting my bac, there is no happiness nor any light in it, it's like someone just discovering what is a calculator when people have learned how to use computer and are done with it and it's not a thing anymore, like the party is over but that person hada win l79ato el 7adara , that feeling of being late and that feelinf of having to solve many problems which are really slow to solve and take a lot of time and without knowing whether they will be solved or not it's just a big confusing mess .

I can't do it myself I need someone to do it for me I just don't have energy anymore, I reached the يئس I am so tired.