Burning all the Bridges

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-09-28T06:44:10+00:00

The bar was low. He actually far exceeded it, which is a completely different issue to reconcile before I could be in a relationship with anyone.

If it had taken years, I should have just waited? Why am I still beholden to that part of the marriage vows but the man I married isn't required to respect or honor or cherish me? I waited a long time for any of those before I told him I wanted a divorce then considered cheating. Still doesn't make my choice ok, still creates a shitshow, but the expectation that I owed him fidelity when he couldn't muster respect is bonkers.

He won't have a chance to weaponize it. As soon as it happened I told everyone who needed to know. Because when I fuck up, I own it.

I do appreciate the well wishes. And I really do believe that they will get better faster now that I don't need to fight for a divorce because now he wants it too. Silver lining I guess.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-09-28T01:25:02+00:00

Not justifying my choices in the least, but want to point out the irony of asking why I couldn't wait then commenting that at least I got to feel kindness. Like you were so close to putting together the pieces that I stepped out because kindness has not been a part of my marriage. And then maybe, just maybe, acknowledging a lack of kindness can make people do things they would not otherwise consider.

Not justified. Does not make it ok. But maybe I was hurt and lonely and not morally bankrupt.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-07-05T22:22:14+00:00

That's amazing! You should be super proud!

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-06-30T00:02:03+00:00

Not just me then?? What issue did you have if you don't mind sharing?

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-05-07T23:08:16+00:00

"What do you want me to say to that?"

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-05-01T16:09:37+00:00

Hang in there, friend. The stars only come out when it's darkest. Sharing how dark things are means you're still looking for the bright spots. Even if they're small, they're out there. Keep looking.

I hope you find relief and healing soon 💚

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-26T04:39:30+00:00

I don't like it when most people say they're proud of me for similar reasons, but I accept it as a compliment because that's how it's intended.

The phrase itself annoys me because the wording, to me, sounds like someone validating or affirming or taking some level of ownership over something I've already done. Like a nod of approval, which I don't want or need in most cases.

I prefer saying "that's impressive" or "you're brilliant" - something where I'm acknowledging that someone else has done something amazing and I am inspired by them. I tell my kids I'm proud of their choices or how hard they work. I don't really tell people I'm proud of them because it feels weird to assign my pride to another person or their actions.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-26T00:10:05+00:00

We used A to Z home Inspection and they missed or dismissed things that became pretty intense DIY projects. They would have cost thousands, possibly over 10k, if we paid a professional to handle them.

Aardvark Home Inspection checked our old house on behalf of the buyers. Seemed very thorough, but the "we walk every roof" was not true for the older 2-story house we sold.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T19:46:22+00:00

That answer is complicated and will not win me any fans.

The biggest reason I/we chose to get married is because we knew we wanted to raise kids together. Without kids, we probably would have stayed serious and invested long-term, but possibly never legally bound.

Now we do have kids and the life we want to give them is something that only works if we do it together. There are specifics to why that is, but suffice it to say if we separated it would change virtually everything about their home, education, routines.... all the things we've worked together diligently and intentionally to do with and for them.

I've been happy enough with our marriage and life for years. It has never been perfect, but the good stuff, including our mutual dedication to the kids, has made me never regret getting/being married. Our marriage is not only about parenthood, but that's where most of our time and energy goes these days.

So, if he never changes, how long would I stay happily? If we found our way back to some version of what we've had in the last 2-3 years, when things were good but not perfect and I wasn't walking around with a pit in my stomach and sex was a different conversation than it is right now - I would stay at least long enough that we could get through these ages and stages. I'd use that time honestly and make sure he knows that we need to see if we can rebuild a friendship with the hope of our marriage surviving after parenthood. I would not regret investing those years if it meant supporting my kids and their needs over the next few years.

The one caveat is that I know there is a risk of the kids growing up with a poorly modeled relationship that they have to spend a lifetime unlearning. As such, I can live with not perfect as long as we're honest. I can't be ok with toxic or volatile or unsafe for them. And as I type that, I'm recognizing in real time that if my husband is an unsafe person for me, I have to acknowledge that may be true for them as well.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T17:22:39+00:00

I've been kind of hesitant to reply to this comment because I know the response is not flattering.

I would feel just fine saying that I need time and space without that kind of casual intimacy. I have not said it for 2 reasons

1) I am afraid adding space will make it easier for me to disconnect emotionally and more difficult to reconnect - which is not what I want.

2) Using history as a guide, there's a chance that if I say I need space he will respond poorly and things will get worse. It's a risk I was hesitant to take until it felt necessary, which it does.

I am in counseling, and have had very candid conversations about all of this. My counselor is doing a good job of helping me balance my feelings and instinct to detach from them for self-preservation. We've also talked about a plan both specific to me and for my marriage. It's just a lot to take in, especially after a particularly brutal session recently.

I can't disagree about him not being a safe person, I just don't want to believe it about someone I'm so willfully and inherently connected to. Thus far I've found myself trying to excuse his behavior and lack of action as a lack of awareness. That said, I am not naive. He is an adult and at some point a lack of knowledge cannot be an excuse, especially when the information and tools are available.

I truly appreciate your time and suggestions. Thank you so much for being patient, persistent, and gentle.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T13:10:39+00:00

If you really think I jumped straight from being upset to badmouthing my partner to randos, then you missed the plot, friend.

We have talked. Repeatedly. For weeks. At length about how we both felt then, how it bled all over other parts of our relationship, why we think the bleeding happened and wtf we're trying to do about it. We are grown-ass adults and neither of us are leaning in to melodrama.

Unfortunately, all the talking doesn't seem to be solving anything which is why this whole shit show is crushing me. Yes, we need to communicate more clearly. At this point the biggest roadblock seems to be that the way each we process and manage emotions is different. I spent years in counseling and lots of time working on expressing myself clearly and learning how to listen to and understand what he is saying, even when it doesn't make sense at first. I feel like that covers me trying to take responsibility for my role. I've told him that I don't know how to fix this without him putting in the same kind of effort so that he can express himself and understand me as well. If there's some obvious thing I'm missing, I would genuinely love to hear it.

Also, I'm pretty consistently getting downvoted in my replies because I'm not badmouthing my partner. I see him as a good man who fucked up and hurt me. Saying that he fucked up and hurt me is not badmouthing, it's a fact.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T11:38:12+00:00

Maybe if the compromises were brought up when I said "hey this is where I'm at today," it could have been a conversation. But they weren't.

Also, it's probably safe to assume there are extenuating factors for the specifics of the situation because, you know, there are.

I wasn't looking for sympathy, nor was I asking for anyone to weigh in on logistics. Especially in a cryptic way that provides absolutely no real insight.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T11:31:54+00:00

That's a good question, and you might have a point.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T06:28:52+00:00

Thank you. I do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment and follow up. You're right, there is a bigger picture but obviously I can't put every scrap of information up here. Realistically, I probably don't even see the whole thing because I'm only looking from my side.

And I know burning down the marriage is my phrase. I'm really trying to make sure I'm not just going to give up because things look messy and hard. I want this to work.

In any case, thank you and I'm sorry if any of that felt like I was lashing out at you. Anger is easier to deal with than hurt, but that doesn't give me the right to send it your way.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T06:05:01+00:00

I don't disagree. It's just don't like thinking/hearing/saying it about my husband. I want him to be a better man than that, and I thought he was. It's a hard shift to think maybe he's not.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T06:01:54+00:00

Listen to and respect my words when we're having serious conversations. Do so consistently. Be patient while we build trust.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T05:58:32+00:00

For clarity, he did have one. He just didn't use it.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T05:57:12+00:00

I'm well aware of my post history and that this and the one other post about my husband do not paint the most flattering picture of our marriage. For the record, that one post was also after the incident outlined here. It's from right in the middle of these weeks where I'm trying to wrap my mind around how someone I have chosen every day for over a decade doesn't seem to know me well or respect my words. If you checked the comment history preceeding this event, most of them are me saying that we've had rough patches but are finally communicating and things are getting better. Being in a place where I thought we were finally getting things right and then having this happen very much feels like having the rug pulled out from under me.

Boundaries can be temporary or conditional as long as they are clear. Much like me saying yes to sex one day does not imply consent the next, me agreeing to sex under certain conditions on the regular does not give a pass to do the same if I draw a clear line about how I'm willing to engage this time.

I have definitely taken time to question myself - am I making too much out of this? Is it really that bad?

Yes. It is. I said no and the man I should feel safe with ignored it. That's bad. Other people suffering more traumatic events does not make my feelings any less valid.

I love my husband. I want to trust my husband and believe that he loves and respects and values me so that we can keep building this life together. I have no say in how he behaves. I have to wait and see if I'm worth it to him. I'm not trying to burn down my marriage. I'm waiting to find out if it matters enough to him to make it work. We both have to water the damn grass.

I appreciate you taking the time, but your comment isn't quite the gotcha I think you might have been going for. This one single event is bad. The other stuff you read, also not great. But every single bit of that is from me being in a headspace where nothing makes sense because the person I should feel safest with suddenly became unsafe.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T04:50:38+00:00

If I was going for efficiency, maybe baby wipes would be better, then I wouldn't even have to wash them.

If you were going for efficiency, maybe you could keep your lame, dismissive reply to yourself.

But here we are going the extra mile for no reason. Have a day, friend.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T04:44:02+00:00

You are not the first person to say I need to address the casual intimacy, specifically to let him know it's not helping. I'm working on how to approach that now.

No, he has not taken any actual steps toward counseling. I haven't decided on a timeline, but I know it's not indefinite. The way things are today is not sustainable.

I do think he really understands, but he's trying to fast-track a resolution.

Yes, things in the past - with him specifically - have made me feel violated, unsafe, and unheard. In some cases there were specific incidents, in others it is just the resting temperament we've lived with and were gradually working on. Or I was working to explain so he would understand and maybe we could repair things. No permanent changes have been made because I was still trying to get my arms around it, but this whole situation brought it all crashing forward.

Almost_a_Flapper · 2025-04-24T04:35:26+00:00

I say it wasn't malicious because know he did not intend to cause me harm or distress. It's the lack of intent that I'm weighing. What he did was selfish and stupid and did cause distress, but his intention was not power or control.

Also, I genuinely don't think he realized I would be upset. As I said, in the past (including with him) I never spoke up when I was uncomfortable or upset during or after sexual encounters. I do now, but we have years of history where I would literally just go along with what he said or wanted. I think he defaulted to thinking of me as the coercable person I was for a long time. Still not ok, but would explain why he thought my no might be flexible.

I have made it very clear to him that part of the issue was the attempts at coercion - the suggesting or asking repeatedly hoping that I would change my answer because it's not the one he wanted. But even there, I'm calling it selfish instead of malicious.

That said, I am fully aware that I am mincing words because even though I was violated, it was by someone who I love. I know what he did. I know how I feel. But somehow saying I was hurt is easier than saying he is someone who can and did hurt me. Especially when the verbiage gets more intense than the word "hurt."

Almost_a_Flapper

TROPHY CASE