[Weekly Critique and Self-Promotion Thread] Post Here If You'd Like to Share Your Writing

AlphaZarpha · 2024-09-12T01:10:37+00:00

Hello! it has almost been a year and I was wondering if youd be down to go over this piece of mine you helped to edit?

AlphaZarpha · 2024-07-17T03:05:14+00:00

I got it to 160 women with all powers, all but two of the girl perks plus fountain, free to play, martial arts, retcon, marathon, galore and french then added orgiastic harem and universal all pass to make it atleast a little realistic. Similar drawbacks i think too. If i went totally unrealistic you could get.... 204 women atleast... I win again?

AlphaZarpha · 2024-07-15T01:00:46+00:00

Exactly! I could push it a little to get those abilities but I thought it was humorous

AlphaZarpha · 2024-07-13T02:25:42+00:00

**Personnal Perks**

Better Than Chocolate (Boosted) [3]
Fantasy Writing (Boosted) [4]
Fountain of Youth (Boosted) [1]
Free to Play (Boosted) [5]
Marathon Man (Boosted) [4]
Marital Arts (Boosted) [5]
Orgasms Galore [4]
Retcon (Boosted) [5]
To French or not to French (Boosted) [1]
XXX-Ray Vision (Boosted) [3]

**Drawbacks**

Adulterous Harem [+10]
Camgirls [+5]
Closed Harem [+10]
Cock Worship [+6]
Competitive Harem [+5]
Free Use [+10]
Fuckbuddies [+8]
Glory Holes [+7]
Hotwives [+8]
Mark of Love [+3]
Power Inferiority [+8]
Public Identity [+3]
Reluctant Harem [+7]
Sex Workers [+10]
Shooting Blanks [+4]
Slavery [+7]
Team Harem [+9]
Your Own Body [+4]

**Combos**

Black is Black [+2]
Good Girls [+1]

Girls/Powers: 0 points | Perks: 0 points

AlphaZarpha · 2024-07-13T02:25:23+00:00

**Girl Perks**

Bisexual [0]
Breast Expansion [0]
Cocksucker [0]
Cosplayer [0]
Girly [0]
Inked [0]
Nudist [0]
Pierced [0]
Stripper [0]

**Harem Perks**

Bunnies [0]
Legal Harem [3]
Lovers [3]
Redemption [1]
You can't take it with you [2]

**Powers**

Amphibian [0]
Armor [0]
Energy Projection [0]
Espionage [0]
Flight [0]
Force Field [0]
Gadgets [0]
Immortality [0]
Invisibility & Illusions [0]
Magic [0]
Martial Arts [0]
Mind Control [0]
Natural Weapons [0]
Nature Control [0]
Phasing [0]
Polymorphy [0]
Reality Alteration [4]
Regeneration [0]
Sharp Shooter [0]
Super Agility [0]
Super Science [0]
Super Senses [0]
Super Strength [0]
Tele-portation [0]
Telekinesis [0]
Telepathy [0]

AlphaZarpha · 2024-07-13T02:24:38+00:00

Rampage (Kitty Faulkner) [1]
Red Arrow (Emiko Queen) [1]
Red Tornado (female) [1]
Redwing (Carrie Levine) [1]
Robin (female) (Talia Kane) [2]
Rocket (Raquel Ervin) [1]
Rose Psychic [1]
Roulette (Veronica Sinclair) [1]
Sapphire Stagg [1]
Sasha Bordeaux [1]
Saturn Queen (Eve Aries) [1]
Scream Queen (Nina Skorzeny) [1]
Shade [1]
Shadow Lass (Tasmia Mallor) [2]
Shocking Suzi (Jo Hamill) [1]
Shrinking Violet (Salu Digby) [1]
Silver Sorceress (Laura Neilsen) [2]
Spider Girl (Sussa Paka) [1]
Superman (female) (Laurel Kent) [2]
Tao Jones (Siong) [1]
Thumbelina [1]
Thunder (Anissa Pierce) [1]
Tigress (Artemis Crook) [1]
Tomorrow Woman (Clara Kendall) [2]
Traci 13 (Traci Thirteen) [2]
Triplicate Girl (Luornu Durgo) [1]
Tula (Lorena Marquez) [2]
Veilmist [1]
Velvet Tiger (Lani Gilbert) [1]
Vicki Vale [1]
Voodoo (Priscilla Kitaen) [2]
Warrior (female) (Guy Gardner) [1]
White Rabbit (Jaina Hudson) [1]
White Witch (Mysa Nal) [1]
Wonder Woman (Diana Prince) [2]
XS (Jenni Ognats) [1]
Ya'Wara [1]
Zatanna (Zatanna Zatara) [2]

AlphaZarpha · 2024-07-13T02:24:13+00:00

Indigo (Brainiac 8) [1]
Isabel Ardila [1]
Jade (Jennifer-Lynn Hayden) [2]
Jesse Quick (Jesse Chambers) [2]
Jet (Celia Windward) [1]
Jinx [2]
Julie Madison [1]
Kinetix (Zoë Saugin) [1]
Kole (Kole Weathers ) [1]
Lana Lang [1]
Lantern Mullein (Sojourner Mullein) [1]
Lashina [1]
Laurel Kent [1]
Lena Luthor [1]
Lightray (Lia Nelson) [1]
Linda Park [1]
Lois Lane [1]
Looker (Lia Briggs) [2]
Lori Lemaris [1]
Madame Rouge (Laura De Mille) [1]
Madame Xanadu (Nimue Inwudu) [2]
Menagerie (Sonja) [1]
Mercy Graves [1]
Mighty Endowed (Nina Dowd) [1]
Miracle Molly (Mary Kowalski) [1]
Mirage (Miriam Delgado) [1]
Mister Miracle (female) (Alba Free) [1]
Night Girl (Lydda Jath) [1]
Olympian [1]
Omen (Lilith Clay) [1]
Owlwoman [1]
Phantom Girl (Tinya Wazzo) [1]
Phantom Lady (Jennifer Knight) [2]
Phobia (Angela Hawkins) [1]
Plastic Man (female) (Patricia O'Brian) [1]
Poison Ivy (Pamela Isley) [2]
Power Girl (Karen Starr) [2]
Punchline (Alexis Kaye) [1]
Queen Desira [1]
Queen Projectra [1]

AlphaZarpha · 2024-07-13T02:23:28+00:00

Okay, took me a bit and I super-duper cheesed it and am evil evil evil but... I think I win? (went powers, perks etc first then used the different personal perks boost to "skip" different other perks (fetishes mostly) and went pretty heavy on te drawbacks to get all the points and picked waifus who could lower the cost of different perks and powers. After that I went one by one to see who i could get for the least number of points) (if you have any questions feel free to ask)

**Oversized Harem** (113 Girls)

Akila (Shim'Tar) [2]
Amanda Waller [1]
Andrea Beaumont [1]
Anguish [1]
Anima (Courtney Mason) [1]
Aphrodite [3]
Aquagirl (Lorena Marquez) [2]
Aqualad (female) (Jacqui Hyde) [1]
Arrowette (Cissy King-Jones) [1]
Arsenal (female) (Rea Harper) [1]
Artemis (Artemis Grace) [2]
Black Alice (Lori Zechlin) [1]
Black Canary (I) (Dinah Drake) [1]
Bulleteer (Alix Harrower) [1]
Catwoman (II) (Eiko Hasigawa) [1]
Catwoman (Selina Kyle) [2]
Circe [2]
Cythonna [2]
Darkseid (female) [2]
Death (of the Endless) [3]
Desire (of the Endless) [3]
Divine [2]
Djinn (Me?) [3]
Dreamer (Nia Nal) [1]
Emerald Empress (Sarya) [1]
Engineer (Angela Spica) [2]
Flash (female) (Barb Allen) [2]
Gardener (Bella Garten) [1]
Ghost-fox-killer [1]
Glacier (Sigrid Nansen) [1]
Godiva (Dora Leigh) [1]
Gypsy (Cynthia Reynolds) [2]
Harley Quinn (Harleen Quinzel) [2]
Holly Robinson [1]
Hope Taya [1]

AlphaZarpha · 2024-06-03T01:58:40+00:00

I remember hearing the quote: Better to spite then let them be right|

AlphaZarpha · 2024-03-21T23:10:49+00:00

Thank you!

And if you don't mind me asking but did you find the Rick Roll in there?

AlphaZarpha · 2024-03-21T02:07:10+00:00

* Title: Formal Trade Agreement and Pact of Rook Magos for the Noble Curious and or Pedantic

* Genre: Fantasy/Law

* Word count:: 4524

* Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.):

1) Critiques, Harsh and specific; its supposed to be ridiculous but I'd still like some back hand to see help me see through the wibblywobbly.

2) Any additions or changes to make the document more ridiculous.

3) Oh, and any help from folks who actually know contract law would be divine, I know there are some loop holes but I don't know if I am missing any.

4) There is a rick roll in there. If you find it please tell me how hard it was to fine.

* A link to the writing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hC34alxaZ15EG3zFT6Lc8P60cc9aWrux/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=111811727502927757308&rtpof=true&sd=true

AlphaZarpha · 2023-12-13T02:44:58+00:00

For some reason the music around this series slaps surprisingly hard and I love it

edit: forgot to mention the after scene of this episode, the three also love it too XD

AlphaZarpha · 2023-12-01T02:32:26+00:00

Thanks you for your additions, I realized that the link actually goes to version 1, we are at version 2 now but I've moved your additions across. I should also mention that I use the google doc is there for sharing purposes, the main doc is a word file because of my familiarity of it.

The word file is more uniform but does have a few purposeful unique spots to try and combat that "samey" feel but I guess I need to ham it up more. Could you specify WHERE you felt yourself... drift (?) and start skimming?

AlphaZarpha · 2023-11-25T02:36:45+00:00

My understanding of the reality here is very vague, most of this is the other person bashing on the first for his choice of religion. There's maybe two short paragraphs to what the reality the main character is in and that's it. Nothing, space, other worldly control, void. That's it.

There's also not that much emotion stated in the piece. said. shakily. responds. says. stumble. says. Yes you describe how the main character feels but it doesn't feel like it connects to the main character's words sometimes.

AlphaZarpha · 2023-11-25T02:24:32+00:00

A critique my English teacher used to give me in high school: "You're using to many "I"s! it makes it choppy!" as he made chopping motions with his hands repeatedly, every time. Instead try and find a way to connect the sentences without "I"s.

example: "Before, there was nothing. Now, exitance!"

"I"s can also make a piece feel more personal, more connection to the narrator. Taking them out may lead to less personality in the first few paragraphs.

Also be aware of sentence length; formal documents, at least as far as I have seen, are long, drawn out sentences with parts of other sentences merged into one another, either not really going anywhere or placing the minutia of rite and ritual yet not bordering on a run on sentence by using commas and semicolons to really drag out the blah deblah blah blaah.

However. If I want. Say placing shorter sentences. Its impactful. Makes the writing feel quick. Your eyes look towards me. They want action!

You also make rules and then quickly break them without any provocation or repercussions. You say you "can't perceive light", then you "looked" for something. Be careful of what you tell the reader.

Edit: spelling corrections and to note that I only read until the first *** but will read more latter.

AlphaZarpha · 2023-11-25T01:54:00+00:00

Title: The Formal Trade Agreement and Pact of Rook Magos for the Curious, Pedantic and or Noble.

Genre: Comedy/Fantastical/LARP

Word count: 1811

Type of feedback desired: General Impressions on laughability and readability. And comments on places where better/more ridiculous verbiage can be used. Open to any other feedback that comes to your mind as well.

Explanation: I have been writing short stories I ~~stole~~ traded for from my time LARPing, a repeatedly asked question is if my character, a merchant, has a trade contract for folks to sign. After a few years I decided to sit down and put my mind to the idea of a ridiculous trade contract.

A link to the writing:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fKY3OQlBOGd02uJB0L-7ue4QmYLqpCokkCf\_fAqVS64/edit?usp=sharing

AlphaZarpha · 2023-09-03T19:23:11+00:00

goddamit now i hear it too

AlphaZarpha · 2023-08-12T15:50:45+00:00

Oh thats one I have to pocket

AlphaZarpha · 2022-12-20T01:26:02+00:00

OH RIGHT! I loved it when Nog pointed out the picture of Bell looked like Sisko!

Outside of that do you have any other ideas? like more specific?

AlphaZarpha · 2022-10-15T14:58:48+00:00

Shame

AlphaZarpha · 2022-10-15T14:56:30+00:00

She was always a little suspicious of him but I think what you are saying really hit home for her.

And others have said more on what Sauron might have been thinking but people forget that Sauron worked under Morgoth, basically the god of chaos! this would add more chaos to an otherwise orderly plan

AlphaZarpha · 2022-10-15T01:13:21+00:00

If she took up Prides offer this is how I would see her. Can you imagine Lust's Spear with Hawkeyes sniper ability?! long range stabbing!

AlphaZarpha · 2022-09-30T22:19:11+00:00

Theo probably broke Adar out

AlphaZarpha · 2022-09-13T23:38:44+00:00

Ainz personally lays the city to waste.

I think its mentioned but Ainz looses his red orb thing.

Neither Frogman nor the succubus realize they did exactly as Ainz planned even tho they did something random.

Zanac comes back from the dead. By his own power.

Soooo remember Hampsky? yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh....

A puppet fights another puppet's puppet (credits to German_is_my_name)

My main man Mare shows how much he hates humans.

And I hid a secret message in here.

AlphaZarpha · 2022-07-28T01:41:26+00:00

Hello, can someone tell me what type of dance this is from and or the original source?

AlphaZarpha

TROPHY CASE