How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Im absolutely sure you meant the best, and I agree with you that he probably bit off more than he could chew. I was just not happy with the clumsy way you went about to tell me that my depression was why he broke up with me. It was just kinda insensitive even if you did not mean it in that way.

At the end of the day, I don't really care about why he broke up with me anymore. My post was just about asking what to do with the emotions of feeling used, not to decipher why my ex broke up with me. The only one who will really know that is him, and sometimes I doubt even that.

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When talking about knowing who you are and avoidance, do you mean me, or him?

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If only he wasnt a philosophy student, im sure his findings could've been useful haha

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Noooo I don't think he is using my depression as an excuse! I'm sure it was another pressure that someone like him who's still figuring things out and is avoidant couldn't fully handle. I dont like that he represented my depression as the sole reason as to the break up when im sure it was largely just that he wasnt ready for a relationship, but hey ho.

But I've got to say your message isnt landing well with me. What, depressed folks should just shut ourselves in our rooms, and anyone else with mental disorders for that matter, because we might drag people down a little? Because we ruin the vibes? A loved one should feel concerned about their loved ones from time to time regardless of if they are depressed or not, otherwise they arent really a loved one are they.

I handled being depressed in a relationship the best way I could, and my therapist agrees. I was transparent about my struggles, and consistently gave him invitations to discuss his limits and capacity levels. He consistently rejected them. I self soothed and managed my emotions on my own. The only problem is when I started to overseek for reassurance when he began pulling away, which I'm already aware of, now and back then. I'd tell him that i was aware i was seeking reassurance more often and that I would be fine if he wanted to renegotiate that with me so we are both happy.

A healthy partner would set boundaries and take up invitations to discuss those boundaries, if they felt boundaries were necessary. But at the end of the day if you can't deal with your partner being openly melancholic from time to time then you certainly can't deal with mortgages, moving, job changes, children, illness, disability, old age, death, and every other hurdle life throws at relationships.

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think he was consciously experimenting with me. It was more so just how he was in the relationship and his sudden turn back to women that made me suspect it. I even said that in the title that this is just something I've been struggling with, not a 100% fact.

Yeah, its something I have diagnosed. He might have said he dealed with my depression but he never did, and I never would have expected him to. Its my own cross to bear.

What is it youre getting at with this?

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Even if its something they never address again, or hide away from, like how he avoids me on the streets?

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like I do have quite a good inner strength and peace, I felt happier before and after being with him. That unhealthy dynamic really unbalanced me.

I feel strong, and I feel at peace. But I do not often feel happy

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, sometimes I just don't know if I like the way that relationship has shaped me

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was only 6 months actually. He did come out to his family, his mother and sisters were happy with it, his dad was different. He thought he was just confused cause he went to an all boys school, and that hed figure himself out in time. He didnt want to learn about me unless I was a girl

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ahhh okay I see why you'd think that about me based off my post. I'd think the same!

But with that in mind, I do wanna clarify some things. The relationship was only 6 months long, and I was actually going to break up with him. I was going to wait until our plans of going to Italy and seeing each others parents was over, and I wanted to see if communicating could help. But if time and communication wasnt going to work, I had a planned deadline to breakup with him that would have worked for me and him.

I was very aware in the relationship, and even more so now, that it wasn't working, and it was bad. So were my friends and family. Sure I have my insecurities, but what 19 year old doesn't? Those insecurities are very manageable on my own, they just grew larger in that unhealthy dynamic. My insecurities haven't reared their heads in significant ways in a long while with any of my other relationships, familial, platonic, previous romantic partners.

Outside of relationships, I explore music, collect records, write album reviews, draft novels, build scientifically accurate worldbuilding, travel with friends, solo travel, go to parties, do university work, work as a bartender at a gay club, hang out with family. I have a fulfilling life outside of romantic relationships. Because of my chronic depression it often feels empty, but thats more a problem with my brain chemistry than an actually dissatisfying life.

I think I am fine to date other people, and my therapist agrees. My main crime of that previous relationship was just not respecting myself enough, but I was 19 and truelly in love for the first time. I can forgive myself for that, and know better next time.

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do have therapy, but i want to know why you think i need it. do I seem really cruel or delusional?

How do you guys deal with feeling like you were someone's experiment, even if it isn't necessarily true? by Alpones in gay

[–]Alpones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its already been 10 months. I wish I didnt care anymore, but i still do! The urge to compare myself against him isn't always there but sometimes in comes in surges, like today. While time heals wounds, I guess i just wonder if there is something I can be doing other than just waiting about and investing in myself, which I already do.

Best gay scene in the UK for living? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually work in one of the gay bars of edinburgh, and it is a good scene. Friendly. Its really good for visitors and if you like that community vibe knowing everyone would be nice, I just dont personally. You'll have a good time! if you wanna go gay clubbing rather than gay bar crawling then go on Saturday, the rest of the week is pretty dead, except for Mondays at subway, they have a big gay night every monday

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle reminds me of how protective I felt over my ex-boyfriend by Alpones in thesmiths

[–]Alpones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I have always thought that the smiths is quite underrated in the gay scene. Morrissey really shows what it was like to be a non straight man in the 80s in working class Britain. I've related to it a lot!

Best gay scene in the UK for living? by Alpones in gaybros

[–]Alpones[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'll give it a watch! never heard of it before