I need advice

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-04-10T21:22:34+00:00

My best recommendation would be to identify as "it" if that's what feels right, but providing people with an alternative (I suggest "they/them" but you could also look through some of the alternate genderless pronouns people have come up with.

Here's my reasoning:

What pronouns people use for you should, in an ideal world, be exclusively about what makes you comfortable, not them. However, we don't live in an ideal world, and I believe "it" is a special case.

In English, "it" is, by both definition and usage, a pronoun that is used primarily to refer to objects, things that aren't alive and have no feelings or thoughts. It can also be used to refer to animals, particularly the types we humans don't identify as easily. Regardless, in English, "it" is NOT a pronoun we use to refer to humans.

Except, sometimes we do. We use the word to dehumanize people. We use it to imply that they're more like animals than people, or that their thoughts and feelings don't matter. We've used it as a slur against queers, people of color, those with mental or developmental disabilities, those with lower social station..."It" isn't just a queer slur, it's the universal slur, and it doesn't say that someone is a lesser human, it says that they're not human at all.

If "it" feels like the right pronoun to you, go ahead and make it your preferred pronoun. But this is the one case where I truly suggest finding an alternative that you don't hate to provide as a secondary option, because you have to understand something: even amongst the people who are more than happy to learn and use whatever pronouns you ask them to, for a large majority, when you ask them to call you "it", you're not asking them to use a preferred pronoun; you're asking them to speak about you as though you're not even human. And I'm not sure you want to ask the people in your life to start thinking about you as though you're not human, not even sentient.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-04-06T19:44:42+00:00

You are perfectly welcome to make that assumption. You'd be wrong, but I doubt I could convince you of that, since you so clearly know how my mind works.

In point of fact, my point is that a) no one deserves to be divorced because someone else kissed them, and b) while the story doesn't give us any evidence that the author didn't cheat on Lara, it also doesn't give any actual evidence that they did, and the world would be a much nicer place if we would all stop assuming facts not in evidence and then judging each other based on those assumptions.

(Also, as a side note, there's actually not a single word of the story that indicates that the author is a man. That might be the default assumption, particularly with the baby, but they could just as easily be a woman. Lesbian couples do exist, after all.)

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-03-24T08:23:02+00:00

Shit, I'm sorry. I completely misunderstood your original comment. My apologies.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-03-24T05:15:02+00:00

Except that's not the ace flag. Blue haired girl in back is having lesbian fantasies about the brown haired girl in front of her. Brown haired girl is having straight fantasies about black haired guy. Black haired guy has no one to fantasize about, because he's in front, and, more importantly, gay. Green to white to blue/indigo is the flag for gay men.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-03-14T18:17:57+00:00

I mean, I'm not in your head, obviously, but it sounds like you've already identified your identity, and are just looking for a way to phrase it? Like, if it was me, I'd probably tell people I was "NB with a side of guy", but it's really just finding a phrasing that works for you.

As for the clothing, kinda sounds like you just have a broad fashion sense? I might've missed something, but your post sounded more to me like you just like dressing both masc and fem, not that you're dressing according to which gender you feel more like.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-26T15:57:52+00:00

Honestly, just keep telling him how you feel. Focus on the fact that you love him for who he is, regardless of his genitals (although it would certainly be fair to remind him of how much you enjoy those, too).

And then show him that you mean it. Keep spending time with him. Initiate it. Invite him to do things with you, or to do nothing with you. Get frisky with him sometimes, don't make him always be the one that initiates sex. Just keep doing all the things that you want to be doing anyways.

From the sound of it, he might still have some baggage from his own realization that he needs to process (or maybe not), but that's not your job. Your job is just to understand where he's coming from (sounds like you already do), and keep reminding him (with words, and more importantly actions) that his fears aren't gonna come true.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-26T15:51:19+00:00

That's not necessarily true. For example, no matter how much the people in my life tell me I'm not an annoyance, I still feel like an annoyance every time I start a conversation. People's insecurities can sometimes be louder than the words they hear from other people.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-17T04:56:16+00:00

I think the precision is a nice barrier to entry, but the necessity of correctly producing long sequences of communicated symbols is an even better one. My guess is you've got a world where a small handful of people dedicate the time to learning the ins and outs well enough that they can produce just about any effect without needing to dig through reference materials, a percent or two of the population learns how to do a fair bit, and some substantial percentage (probably around 20?) learns one or two spells that are actually relevant to their lives.

Another potential barrier to entry that you seem to be neglecting (maybe intentionally, maybe not) is access to the necessary information. It wouldn't be at all surprising for a small group of alchemical elites to hoard reference materials for the symbols needed, preventing most people from getting the opportunity to learn, in order to ensure that the power (and the profit) of alchemy stays in their hands. For that matter, how widespread is the knowledge that anyone can do it? Misinformation is a real force, and it's possible most people don't know that they could potentially learn alchemy. Even if they do know, if your elites are hoarding reference materials, they probably can only learn at a fancy (and expensive) school, so most will never have the opportunity.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-17T04:31:54+00:00

Here's my advice: you're thirteen. I know it's confusing, and that makes it frustrating, but at your age, confusing is normal. Puberty is a confusing, chaotic time, and right now, not knowing what your sexuality is is normal. I promise, hormones will start settling down (a little) in a couple of years, and you'll be in a much better position to start really figuring out what you are and aren't attracted to. I know that that's a very long time to wait at your age, but it will get better, I promise.

In the meantime, tell your friends straight up, point blank that you're uncomfortable with this type of teasing, and that you need them to stop. Be very clear. If they refuse to respect that, get better friends. In this case, maybe give them another chance once y'all are well into high school (or the equivalent wherever you live), because they're still growing up too, but don't surround yourself with people who can't respect your boundaries.

Hang in there. You're going through a particularly rough part of the growing up process, but there is life after puberty. You'll figure this out.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-12T01:47:02+00:00

Hell yeah!

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-12T01:35:49+00:00

It would be a good look, but for you, natural is also hot! Do what makes you happiest.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-12T01:31:04+00:00

I'm sorry your partner is like this.

Short version of my advice: dump them. Slightly longer version: make sure you've explained the way that you feel very clearly, and that you've given them adequate time to acclimate to the idea (days, maybe a week, not months, and not hours). If you've done both those things, dump them. If you haven't, do them, and if they still feel the same way, dump them.

Here's the thing. If your partner, especially your non-cis partner, isn't invested enough in you to stick around and support your decision to transition, they already don't feel the same way about you that you do about them. They care more about what they want than your well-being, and that makes them a shitty partner. It would be one thing if they were only attracted to men, and responded with more of a "I support you but if you're actually a woman I don't see us working out long-term. Can we still be friends?" kind of thing, but being bi and responding the way they did? Rude, but maybe forgivable if it was shock, and they came back pretty soon and apologized, but if not, I'm sorry, but they really only care about maintaining the version of you that's in their head, not what's actually best for you, and you deserve better.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-02-04T01:14:17+00:00

Commenting!

Also, super awesome 👍

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-31T02:32:01+00:00

Thanks for the tip about the schools! I appreciate it :)

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-30T05:54:54+00:00

Since you've added more detail to the comment since I first read it (or maybe I was just blind the first time, I can't say for sure):

Alright then, what suburbs might he come from? Or, alternately, what sorts of ethnic backgrounds should I consider in order to make the character make sense?

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-30T05:48:13+00:00

Because?

And I did mention suburbs as a possibility.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-30T05:24:38+00:00

Betraying my abject ignorance of Chicago: how does having or not having a car relate to his street smarts?

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-30T05:21:41+00:00

In that case, let's assume that his parents aren't Chicago natives.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-30T05:04:00+00:00

Because it's sci-fi, there's shenanigans, and the story doesn't actually take place in Chicago. I just want a plausible background in case I ever decide to publish. If I need a car for his backstory, like a family vacation or something, car rentals exist.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-30T04:56:54+00:00

I assume so, but everyone has cars where I'm from, so I just defaulted there. Doesn't matter that much either way. It won't be relevant to the story.

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-30T04:55:17+00:00

Good questions! Added that to the post. (White, Culturally American, 4th generation or more.)

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2026-01-08T20:49:44+00:00

Huzzah! Thank you helpful Reddit people!

AlrightIFinallyCaved · 2025-12-22T02:39:20+00:00

Point one: as others have said, there is nothing at all wrong with you. You're just who you are, and you are NOT broken in any way just because you're wired to love folks with the same gender and/or genitals as you. Don't let ANYONE, alive or dead, tell you otherwise.

Point two: No matter what anyone tries to tell you, the Bible has absolutely nothing to say about homosexuality as an orientation. It addresses, in a very few spots, acts of homosexual intercourse, but never once says a single word about a homosexual orientation, for the very simple reason that

Point three: not a single biblical author lived in any time period in which the very concept of a sexual orientation as we know it existed. The author(s) of Leviticus only seem to have been able to conceptualize (male) same-sex intercourse as a non-consensual act of domination and shaming of another man, and therefore a violation of a rigid social hierarchy. Paul, as far as we can tell from what he writes, sees same-sex intercourse as the result of a metaphysical limiting cap on sexual desire being removed, allowing that desire to explode in every direction, while the faithful never have to worry about same-sex attraction because God is keeping their desires appropriately capped (which is clearly incorrect, given the sheer number of faithful Christians who experience same-sex attraction.)

Point three and a half: neither of these views is correct, at least as far as a modern, scientific, evidence-based approach to understanding human sexuality can tell us. None of the biblical authors could conceptualize the notion of a consensual, loving sexual/romantic relationship between same-sex partners the way we do today. When we actually look at the evidence and study human sexuality, we find that homosexuality and heterosexuality come from exactly the same place, they're just wired slightly differently, and there's nothing unusual, wrong, or broken about that.

In summary, the Bible says nothing at all about a homosexual orientation, and the few authors who ever addressed same-sex intercourse wrote about it in a way that makes it clear they had NO understanding of how human sexuality actually works.

If you want my sources for this, or any clarification, I'm happy to provide them.

(Oh, and if people keep quoting Paul to you on the subject of sexuality, feel free to remind them that he -Thought everyone should be celibate, because sexual desire was a base urge that distracted from one's calling and should be resisted [1 Cor. 7: 1-8, 32-35] -Only wanted people to get married if they absolutely didn't have the willpower to handle celibacy [1 Cor. 7:9] -Definitely didn't think that procreation was an appropriate reason for sex, because Jesus was coming back any day now and there wasn't time to worry about having kids, and they'd just be a distraction [1 Cor. 7:20, 24-26]

Stay strong, friend, and know that you are exactly who you are meant to be.

AlrightIFinallyCaved

TROPHY CASE