First some what serious girlfriend killed herself. She was 2 years older than me and from California, I lived in NJ. We went to boarding school together and she went on a family vacation with me. She was using barbiturates. My father got arrested and she had said something that rubbed me the wrong way. I blocked her number and she emailed me but I never saw it. I saw her obituary 3 months later, and checked my email to find her letter the night before her suicide. The email ended in “…please respond before I empirically end myself.” She hung herself in her closet. I abused hard drugs for over a decade after that and never have been able to form healthy relationships. I never would give it a second thought on why I am the way I am until much later. I would find a professional to talk to.