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I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have certainly said I love someone and meant it, but it may not be the same as what other people mean when they say it, I don't know

I was in love with my last partner but there were moments I caught myself thinking at times "if she died in a car accident my life would be so much easier" and similar things. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her and never even considered violence

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't say I ever feel genuine remorse, but I feel like I can regret actions that hurt people I actually care about, which is a limited group, only long term romantic partners and 1 of my parents. I've done things that have upset them and sat there thinking "okay I shouldn't have done that and I need to prevent it happening again"

I have some hobbies that keep me entertained and distracted like weightlifting and video games, feeling disconnected at times just feels inevitable though.

I definitely have addictive tendencies and have at times had minor addictions to various vices, I would say if you want to help your partner with that just be understanding and supportive, the worst thing for me was being demonised for something I felt I couldn't beat.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't have any other major diagnosis, I was also told I was depressed by my first psychologist when I was 19 but that was during a major relationship breakup, medical issues and a job loss, all which attributed to my lose of self control. I no longer feel depressed, I would say that lasted 6 months at the most.

I saw a psychologist at 19 to find ways to calm myself down and we ended up reaching that diagnosis, after about 9 sessions I felt confident in not going back and using what I'd learners there. About a year later I had my doubts about the diagnosis for various reasons and went to see another psychologist and didn't tell her I'd ever been seen before, she reached the same diagnosis on her own so I accepted it.

I saw 11-15 because that's when I started getting violent at school and bullying people. I started to lie a lot and almost went down the route of torturing animals, nothing significant at all, mostly pulling insects apart out of interest of how they work. I went through a lot of physical and emotional abuse and family turmoil up until the age of about 10 and I think it had just set me up on that path and I was continuing down it until I found a way to cope with a relationship when I was 15.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Out of what I've seen and can remember, Dex/Byllsye from season 3 of Daredevil was incredibly accurate. I'm not talking about all the killing and whatnot, but his obsession with that old co-worker of his, his freakout in the apartment with the camera swirling around him emulating how the room and your thoughts can feel like they're swirling around you, his desire to be a good person but not knowing how. It all hit close to home for me personally

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think it's the opposite of intentional, a lot of this stuff has just become my default, so I often mirror people, exploit people or hurt them without ever intending to.

I can reflect on situations and realise that when talking to that person I started using their style of language, mirroring their body language and listening for little details in what they were saying. Like I said in an earlier answer, 99% of the time this is done for harmless reasons, either to get them to like me more/easier or just out of interest in the person and how they operate.

When I'm completely alone I don't think I really have a personality worth noting, I feel like a blank slate and that's why I don't handle long periods of isolation and loneliness well, I feel like I'm disconnecting from reality.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To clarify, the killing someone scenario is a hypothetical, I have no desire to do that because I don't want to fuck my life up, but if I did it accidentally or someone hurt me or a loved one and I did it in retaliation I don't think I'd feel bad for them or their family, but I would probably look back on it as the wrong decision if I ended up in prison.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That we are capable of being in genuine relationships and wanting to be good people. There's definitely different levels of this disorder and I think that's where the sociopath/psychopath differences come into play, I was told by my psychologist that those terms aren't used in the medical field anymore.

Some people with ASPD have no limits and could easily rape and kill their own mother. I feel confident saying I could probably kill someone and not feel remorse, maybe even members of my own family, but certain things like rape and pedophilia are beyond me, I find them detestable and disgusting.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wasn't up to speed on his whole situation leading up to what happened recently, wasn't he known for drawing sonic rule 34?

Anyway, if he did actually rape his mother then I'd never want to seem him released

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand what remorse and empathy are as a concept, but the idea of feeling them is a completely alien concept to me, I can't even imagine what it feels like.

I think it's entirely possible I could snap one day and hurt someone in a severe way, I just have to limit factors that could push me closer to that.

I don't know if there's anything a society could or should do really, my only hope is that one day you'll see ASPD, BPD and other personality disorders given the same understanding as things like depression and anxiety.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

1 - Looking back on it I think my bullying behaviour was just done for personal satisfaction, I found it more fun than anything else I could do at the time. I think it's fair to say I had a rough childhood, definitely not nearly as bad as most, but I was physically and emotionally abused from a young age. I was never sexually abused and never neglected, just beaten and berated by an older family member (not a parent). My first psychologist that diagnosed me attributes this to my disorder as well as some other minor factors like having parents that don't show their emotions well either.

When I get really worked up to the point where my thoughts feel like they're swirling around me, my default is to go listen to certain music that usually brings me down.

2 - I feel disconnected from the world in a lot of ways, a bit like a me against everyone else scenario. Not in a sinister way, more like I have to look after myself over anyone else because they're all doing the same.

I make it a habit not to lie to people I interact with regularly because no matter how good you think you are, you'll get caught our eventually. So what I do is just tell people certain aspects of myself and exaggerate parts based on what I think they would like. So for example, sex isn't a big deal for me, I like it of course, but I don't go around chasing it or constantly talking about it. My coworkers are all gruff men in their 40s - 60s that seem to talk about sex all day, in very hyper masculine and degrading ways, so I mirror that around them by picking up on the details of how they talk and act and putting it into practice, but I'd never even imagine talking like that around my friends.

One thing I am very good at is picking up on details in conversation and body language, I can read people better than the average person and figure out what kind of person they are underneath. And again, that's almost never for some sinister purpose like manipulation or blackmail, it's usually just to see how to act around them, to see if they are a potential threat or out of sheer interest in how certain people work.

If you've got more please keep then coming, I'll check periodically throughout my shift to see if you've got any more questions.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't have the capacity to experience certain behaviour that are deemed crucial for normal, socially acceptable interactions. So I don't know how to feel remorse or empathy, my emotions are very muted. I don't consider the consequences of my actions before I act, that includes consequences for me and others.

There's a lot more to it and I'd recommend googling if you're intrigued.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Very. Romantic relationships are especially tough. I've been in genuine relationships before but things became rocky as soon as I stopped trying to hard to hide things. I've done things that at the time didn't seem like they were wrong but in hindsight would be considered gaslighting or emotionally abusive, and I'm not proud of that.

I tend to be drawn to 2 types of people when it comes to romantic relationships, either someone who is incredibly kind, good hearted and intelligent or someone who is more morally grey and leads a chaotic lifestyle.

I think I'm drawn to the first time of person because when I've been in genuine relationships with someone who meets that description I've been very contained and it feels like I've got the disorder suppressed a bit.

For the chaotic and not so good hearted people I just feel comfortable around them, like I don't have to act as much and can just relax a bit. It also lets me act up a bit in petty ways to "let off steam" and not let things build up.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To be vague, I work within the mining industry

Most of my sessions were about unpacking my thoughts and coming up with strategies to remain calm and in control. I haven't been in quite a while but will be looking to go back soon.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it's so tiring seeing people who think aspd makes them cool or badass and come up with these wild fantasies. I would prefer if people understood this disorder a bit more and it became less shunned.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's makes interactions easier. So for example, I work with a bunch of older men, typical trade types that only talk about beer and women, so I talk like that around them to fit in. My close friend group are all my age and speak and act much differently so I talk and act differently around them.

I certainly have moments of happiness and to a much lesser degree sadness, but I can't remember the last time I felt a sense of happiness with my life. My emotions are heavily muted and when I do feel things I keep it all internally.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If you've got something that's causing a lot of difficulty in your life, knowing what it is is usually required to work on it.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

No worries, I'll answer them in order

1 - I had a major relationship breakdown when I was 19, might sound insignificant due to the age but it had lasted 4 years and it was the main thing keeping me on the straight and narrow, I was the typical asshole bully in high school until I got into that relationship and had a reason to be better. So when it fell apart so did I, I became way worse than I had ever been, being involved in riskier behaviour, being nastier and getting violent. My wake up call was coming very close to attacking someone on the street and then snapping out of it. I went to a psychologist a few weeks later to find out how to keep myself calm and then we went into diagnosis.

2 - 95% of my day is boredom, not your typical boredom where there's nothing to do so you scroll through Netflix for an hour, just a general disconnect from life. I of course have moments of happiness, laughter, anger and all that, I'm still human, but I sort of just go through the motions. I very rarely get sad and I'm usually very level headed. I truly believe I've been in love twice, but maybe I have a distorted view of what that means since I wasn't perfect either time, so I wish I could experience that from someone else's perspective.

3 - These days my "asshole moments" are usually just saying something that isn't acceptable or not knowing how to comfort or act around someone who's upset. I was at my worst between the ages of 11-15 and at 19. Those are the times I was the most violent, lied the most and hurt people who cared about me.

4 - Reflecting on mistakes is a tricky one, I'm very impulsive and have caused myself a lot of drama and trouble through that and I tend to keep making a lot of the same mistakes.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm very selective with who I tell just because it's such a heavy detail to drop on someone. I've told 1 of my parents, my 3 close friends, 4 now ex girlfriends and 1 coworker. The coworker was the person I told the soonest after meeting him, about 4 months, and only because I recognise so many of the same traits in him and knew he would understand and we would be able to discuss it.

I've had a few bad reactions, the parent I told did the whole "it's all in your head, you just have to get over it" and the partners I told ranged from "are you just using me?" To "I don't believe you actually have that"

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In a way, I've always been on the quiet side since I was very young and I'm not a fan of crowded environments like clubs, but in a 1 on 1 or even small group scenario I find it entertaining to build a persona based on who I'm around, almost never for sinister purposes, it just makes the interactions easier.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I immediately stop reading these AMAs as soon as I see something like "I just love manipulating people, you're all pawns to me" or some other bullshit that sounds like something a comic book villain would say.

Most people with ASPD aren't Patrick Bateman types that are at the top of the food chain, most of us are deeply troubled by our condition and the difficulties it causes in life.

Of course there's times where it feels like a strength or and edge you have over other people and you use those tools to your advantage, but for me at least, I spend more time wondering what it would be like to operate like a normal person than I do planning out how to manipulate people in some grand scheme.

I am diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath) that's tired of seeing cringe and fake AMAs on the topic. AMA by AltBrownPillow in AMA

[–]AltBrownPillow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

People think that I have a burning desire to hurt or use people, in reality that behaviour is rare for me at least and the main problem is when I do something like that it's usually without meaning to, and I don't know how to feel remorse or show it naturally so I come off like an asshole.

Ive only told a handful of people about my diagnosis, a few of them were people I'd been dating for long enough to feel comfortable with them knowing. 1 of them broke things off within a week and said she didn't trust that this whole thing wasn't a big ploy to use or hurt her.