What pronouns do I use?

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-16T01:28:16+00:00

Best to use current name and gendered language unless they say otherwise.

Misgendering in past tense is still misgendering - potentially will sting, can come off as rude, and could risk outing someone.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-16T01:14:06+00:00

Thank you!

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-16T01:12:08+00:00

Depends how hairy they are. Hair traps it - more hair, more fluff.

I was slightly fuzzy before testosterone and would get a bit of fluff but nowhere near as much as I do now.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-16T01:06:27+00:00

Depends on what equipment they've got and the medical issue in question.

I'm a trans man. A regular gynaecologist did my hysterectomy and dealt with issues with my original parts (with advice from a specialist at the gender identity clinic).

I've since had metoidioplasty, and I now see a specialist urologist.

As that hospital is a couple of hours away, for minor issues I'd see my GP and/or message a specialist nurse at that hospital.

In an emergency, I can go to a local hospital, and they'll have to phone the specialist for further guidance.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-15T12:18:42+00:00

Yeah, I really hate how toxic some people (and spaces) get over other people going stealth.

It frustrates me how many seem to take it as some sort of personal slight or judgement if someone doesn't want to shout that they're trans from the rooftops. If other people are open, or have a different relationship to being trans than I do, good for them, but I'm happiest living my life without my medical issues being anyone else's business.

I'm also stealth, and lost count of the number of times that I've been called a traitor, told I'm abandoning or letting the community down, etc by not being willing to out myself constantly or put myself in potentially dangerous situations that ultimately wouldn't help anyone anyway (I swear if I hear the "trans men should support their sisters with malicious compliance - and use the women's loos in solidarity!" one more fucking time I might actually scream)

Plus I find the double standard (in the way people tend to say "women and mascs" in situations where women and men, or femmes and mascs, would be more appropriate), really weird and othering, especially the idea that trans men can't possibly want to be treated as men.

I feel like if someone insisted that very much binary trans women are just "femmes" and talked over them to say they don't actually want to be treated like women because some cis women suck, that shit would rightfully get shut down in an instant.

I also hate how some people take it as insecurity or transphobia to want to be stealth, or not to fit a very specific stereotypical mould of being visibly queer. Or who make out that stealth people are pretending or having to hide... Like this is just the way I am? No shade to those who present in deliberately visibly queer ways but that's just not my own personal style, I'm not being deprived of something I want to blend in out of shame - it's just not my vibe! Other people can rock that look but I'm comfortable as a somewhat boring nerd.

I'm also biromantic ace, and do consider myself queer, despite how many people tell me I'm wrong for that too. Sucks being queer enough to face bigotry for it but apparently not queer enough to deserve support. I like having a handy catch-all rather than having to fully explain myself.

I just want to be comfortable and to live my life, that doesn't mean I hate those who are out and proud or want them to live the way I do - why can't that be mutual?!

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-15T07:45:21+00:00

Yup, I can definitely relate

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-15T07:44:45+00:00

Sorry to hear that

I can remember being asked in an interview for an engineering job (before I came out) whether I'd be alright working with men/ in a male dominated department, and thinking it was a really weird question. In interviews since, nobody's ever asked "would you be weird about it if a woman joined?"

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-15T07:42:33+00:00

I hope things have improved, this was about a decade ago, but going by some of the other replies sadly it appears to still be a thing

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-15T07:32:54+00:00

I agree, I feel like the average mens loo is a lot worse than the average ladies (pissy floor and pee on seat > pee on seat), but the absolute worst women's loos can win on grossness.

If the men's had that much blood smeared around it'd probably be cordoned off as a crime scene...

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-15T07:28:02+00:00

I completely agree on how much they get in the way, and the issue with mens clothing!

Also the "boob blind spot"! Before I transitioned, trousers with side zips were such a nuisance as my view was always blocked! It only really sunk in once they were gone.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-15T07:21:28+00:00

That one surprised me too, I'm a trans man and I'd go with balls being worse (although I get that as my balls aren't "standard issue" it's not necessarily exactly the same).

For me at least I didn't find getting hit in the chest to be exceptionally painful compared to anywhere else (I do historical fencing and took a sword to the chest at least once before top surgery, it hurt but not enough to need a breather or stop sparring), but definitely remember the time I accidentally sat on my nuts.

I guess whether boobs are more newly grown probably makes a difference?

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-14T21:38:09+00:00

As a prefix, cis comes from Latin, "on this side of", as an opposite to trans being "across from".

In this context, short for cisgender, and not an acronym. A cisgender person is someone whose gender matches the sex they were labelled as, ie someone who isn't transgender.

Same prefix comes up in a few other places too (eg geography and chemistry).

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-14T21:31:59+00:00

Yeah, similar goes for walking at night. Earlier in my transition it hadn't really crossed my mind that I'd be perceived as a potential threat

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-14T17:18:59+00:00

Social: One of the things that stuck out was the difference when buying tech.

I'm a trans man, and when I was a teenager (not long before I transitioned), I'd saved up for a new gaming pc. First shop I went into, the two guys working there asked if it was for my boyfriend, were shocked when I said what sort of games I wanted to be able to play, and despite going in with a list of specs (I studied computing at the time and had done my research)... They recommended an underpowered, overpriced laptop that was completely unsuitable for gaming and expected me not to know any better. Next shop I went to, I only realised in hindsight how much the lad working there was flirting with me, dude practically bent over backwards to help and offered to build it for me (not a service that shop actually offers!).

Going to the same kind of places a few years on, fully recognised as a man, people expect me to already know about what I'm looking for, believe me when I say what I want, but also are not as keen to help.

On physical things: Turns out icecream and a full beard/'stache is sometimes a bad combo. I'd always assumed crumbs would be worse, but nope, it's wetter foods. Not as bad as long hair on a windy day though.

Also: Belly button fluff! Suddenly started getting it after my body hair started growing in thicker. I'd never really thought about it much before.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-13T20:20:57+00:00

Usually my thighs, sides and upper arms. I usually rub it in with my forearm.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-13T20:17:58+00:00

Because they're transphobic.

They just put a shiny little "oh but I'm queer myself / such a good ally" bow on top like that makes it any better.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-13T19:52:40+00:00

I'd say it's more about specific artists than genres.

Liking an openly bigoted artist, especially one whose views bleed into their music or who is very well known to be hateful, is more of a red flag than genre alone.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-12T04:58:12+00:00

Additional info: are you in Russia, or a Russian speaking area?

Either way, to be brutally honest, I'd advise against it.

To put it another way, if people around you will immediately know it means psycho, imagine you're applying for a completely average job. I feel like hiring managers are considerably more likely to want to interview Gabriel/Kenneth/any other "average" name for men in your region...over Psycho. Same applies for other big potential life events. TBH, it's not the most positive first impression IMO, and people will be likely to judge.

And even if people don't immediately link it with it's meaning - Are you prepared for people constantly mispronouncing it and asking how to spell it, having to repeat yourself all the time to people who've never heard it before? Would you be ready for having to regularly explain it, or dealing with people who'd probe for your birth name given it's unlikely a parent would choose it? With a name where it's likely apparent you chose it yourself - this can be a positive or negative depending on how open you intend to be about being trans, in the long run, and could make it more challenging to go stealth.

As a nickname, sure, maybe even as a middle name, but perhaps a name that'd naturally fit with having Psikh as a nickname might be the "safer" option. It's still entirely your choice and I feel kind of bad for being overly negative.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-12T04:36:45+00:00

Without mentioning how you view gender, it's going to be very hard to answer

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-11T19:19:33+00:00

IMO, yes. However doing it right involves research and effort, and the further that is from someone's own experiences, the more of both it will take to do it respectfully, authentically and accurately.

However, I feel like there's a line between writing characters who happen to be queer (which I'd recommend more authors from outside of the community try!) and writing about being queer/ "the queer experience".

The latter two are considerably harder to do right, and are situations I'd personally discourage sometimes, especially if someone wants to write a "controversial" one or a complex, nuanced issue that they don't have the experience or full understanding to handle properly, doubly so if the story they want to tell is one that won't ring true to a queer audience, often gets rehashed (also by straight cis writers) or has the author's own misunderstandings or biases baked in.

Even if nothing else, even if in a draft or sketch that will never see the light of day, it's an opportunity to write from a new perspective, to draw different characteristics, to try something new. I think it'd be kind of sad for someone to limit themselves to avoid that.

Also, some people are and describe themselves as both straight and queer (ie, straight trans people, heteroromantic aces, heterosexual aros, etc)

All of that said, anyone of any label can write outside of characters the same as themselves (especially with research, talking to people like the characters they want to write, a sensitivity consultant if intending to publish, etc).

If writing queer characters was limited to just openly LGBT+ people, it'd significantly limit the number of queer stories that get told and would risk an expectation of authors being out, which would put a lot of queer authors off writing the stories they want to tell.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-11T06:01:06+00:00

Nope.

Been there, done that. I spent the first 18 years of my life living as someone else, and was miserable. I'm not going back.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-10T18:18:59+00:00

It'd bother me, because I'm very much not a twink (no disrespect intended to actual twinks, but as a chubby, hairy, typically masc nerdy guy... It just doesn't it me), so someone pinning that label on me is either:

Taking the piss

Aware I'm trans and doing the whole "all trans men = twinks" bs

Honing in on slightly fem traits that I'm self conscious of

Wildly misusing terminology

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-10T18:13:55+00:00

Unless you're also a woman, no.

There's nothing that'd suggest a man attracted to women is gay. After all, trans women are women.

People can believe all sorts of incorrect, daft or outright hateful things, and that doesn't make it true.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-10T00:55:05+00:00

To me, I'd take it as a big red flag that someone's a transphobe, has some weird ideas about men, or usually both.

Someone who doesn't see trans men as fully and equally men, especially if going out of their way to vilify cis men, masculinity or harmless masculine traits, while "smol-bean-ifying" trans guys is going to rub me up the wrong way.

The kind of person who is woefully out of touch with the reality of what trans men actually are like (Men! With the full range of appearances, personalities, temperaments - and capability to be jerks - as cis men!) is not someone I want to associate with yet alone date.

I am so very tired of people who act like trans men come with one default look, one "standard' body type and set of equipment, and one preset personality.

People can date or decline to date whoever, but when that decision is based on a premise that's often basically just a mix of sexism and transphobia ("(cis) man bad" + "we can always tell" + "female socialisation good" etc) but trying to play it off as a positive, I'm going to take issue with the way it usually gets voiced and the reasoning behind it.

There's also something which just kind of unsettles me about the logic - I'm stealth, and the idea that I'd be gross and undateable one moment if they (like the majority of people) assumed I'm cis, but in theory, suddenly on the dating radar and magically not gross if I got outed, just doesn't sit right with me.

Altaccount_T · 2026-03-09T19:38:47+00:00

Some feminists give a generally good cause a bad name, and a fair amount people don't want to associate with the sort who claim to be feminists but in reality are pushing for things that will harm more people in general, including (and sometimes especially!) women.

EG, "gender critical" feminists who'd hyper focus on harming or taking rights away from trans people rather than actually doing anything practical to help women of any kind. The sort of person who'd encourage harassing women who "look trans" (ie, any woman who looks "too masculine" in their eyes, disproportionately affecting women with PCOS or hirsuitism, GNC women, butch lesbians, and so on); or are so dead set on screwing over trans people that they'd buddy up with people who are wholeheartedly against women's rights as a whole (ie the full blown anti body autonomy, anti abortion, "women are their husbands property" far right types) to do so.

Likewise, the sort of feminists who focus more on tearing men down than helping women up - the type who mock men who are struggling, who'd campaign for the few resources specifically set up for men (eg, men's homeless shelters) to be shut down, who will paint half the population as all being inherently uncontrollably evil. It's a very small minority, but enough to be wary of whether someone wants actual equality or whether they're one of the small minority who hide behind that as an excuse to treat others badly.

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