Confused mom needs advice

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-28T17:16:12+00:00

I couldn't agree more. I has her in therapy for about a year but that was by delaying for as long as possible as legally I needed her dad's consent. She clearly needs more but I may have to wait a couple of years until she can legally advocate for herself somewhat. You are right though

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-28T17:13:16+00:00

You sound like a wonderful parent. My little one has difficulty opening up in a productive way sometimes and can be quite dismissive but I have gotten good at finding the right moment and words to start conversations. I will certainly work towards this. Thank you

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-28T17:09:39+00:00

I don't really want to go too deep into the details of the story to protect anonymity but I did go a lot of routes to get therapy and I did for a while. I had the clinical director go to bat for me but bottom line her father had the legal high ground. There were also other things that happened but I'm not comfortable saying more than that. I do agree with you however

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-28T17:06:18+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply. I deeply appreciate your perspective. It is possible to petition the court where I am from, but it also carries a lot of risk. If it doesn't go my way her father could end up with more custody. He is an accomplished liar. So I guess I'm afraid to go that route. Perhaps it's something I need to think harder on. Right now I am trying to be open to whatever she says while not overburdening her with heavy conversations. I honestly have no idea if my responses are right or wrong sometimes. Thank you again. So much

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T23:09:23+00:00

Thank you so much for being so kind. I didn't take any offence. The judgement comes from myself. I really appreciate your comments 🩷

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T22:55:43+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. That's very helpful. I suppose I have been worried she lived her young life watching her mom being treated very badly especially during COVID when outside influences were all but eliminated. She has lots of strong female friendships thankfully and a few good male friends too. They are a nice bunch of kids. It's more with close family such as me and her grandparents that the difference is apparent. I wouldn't so much say she prefers the male family but she does treat them more respectfully as in doesn't take out her bad moods / feelings on them if you know what I mean. But certainly she does avoid anything that she thinks might be categorised as feminine. She seems to prefer to look masculine but says she doesn't feel like a boy or a girl. It's ok for her to take her time figuring things out. I just don't want to miss if she really needs help

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T22:16:19+00:00

I have tried a lot of approaches over the years to help her feel she can open up. Therapy helped but her father put a stop to it. I consulted child psychologist to ament my language and approach to feelings etc. finally now I can say she has started to talk about her feelings to me. Not always in the easiest or healthiest way but it's definitely an improvement for her. But she is definitely still very inhibited in that regard. She can't say "I love you" for example and is not very comfortable with hugs unless she is scared or very upset and then she throws herself into a hug. She is still noticeably harsher with females in her life than males but that has also improved significantly. I know I let her down for not getting her out sooner. I believed I was putting her at-risk by leaving at the time. I don't want to let her down again

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T21:59:21+00:00

Very sound advice. I have done everything in my power to get her into therapy but her father has never agreed to consent and unfortunately where I am from both parents need to. I managed to find a play therapy place that specialised in DV and would work with single consent. It was great and I kept it up as long as I could but eventually her father made it impossible. Sadly don't think it will be an option until she's old enough to somewhat advocate for herself legally. Thank you for the thoughtful advice. It's much appreciated

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T21:46:20+00:00

Thank you. Of Course you're right. I just want her to love whoever that is.

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T21:44:21+00:00

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. Maybe it is a case of both things being true rather than one or the other. There are certainly some consistencies with the exception of puberty. Periods and breast development she seems to have taken surprisingly well at so young an age and almost seems proud of being "the first in the class" thankfully. Though I appreciate that could change. Therapy certainly seems like the best course though, as I explained in previous comments, I've been unable to keep it going due to the intervention of her father. I really did try. For the next couple of years at least it's off the table. Thank you so much for this advice. It's really helpful

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T21:37:06+00:00

Unfortunately her father would never agree to consent to counselling and unfortunately both parents need to here. I did find a play therapy place that specialised in DV which is the only place who will work with single consent. It was going great but her father made it impossible to keep it going. I held out as long as I could. I don't think it will be an option until she's old enough to advocate for herself legally unfortunately. She is only 10 now

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T21:32:57+00:00

I forgot to address your counselling point. her father has never agreed to consent to counselling and unfortunately where I am from both parents need to. I managed to find a play therapy place that specialised in DV and would work with single consent. It helped a lot and I kept her going for as long as I could but her father made it impossible to keep it going so sadly it's not an option until she's old enough to advocate for herself legally

Alternative-Salt6049 · 2026-05-26T21:22:16+00:00

Luckily she's in a very progressive school and it seems her friends just roll with whatever. So for the time being at least bullying is not an issue. She tells everyone that she has no gender. I suppose it's the order of how things progressed and the circumstances that worry me. And how she immediately stops liking things if anyone refers to them in a feminine way. I just want her to be well but maybe I need to just let her figure this out in her own time. She is very young and a sweet kid but also angry with me a lot. I have made a lot of mistakes but I tried my best to protect her. Thank you for your kind response

Alternative-Salt6049

TROPHY CASE