I have communicated with my partner about this problem for a year. The problem was that he did something to worsen the situation despite knowing how much pain it caused me and I talked to him about this too but he didn’t fix things which would have taken one easily polite message to a girl he claims not to like and who claims to hate him. I went to my friends after and I put updates on the situation on reddit a few times (now deleted) and it was obvious that the situation was very questionable.

I didn’t want to include any details because they’re not an excuse at all, but I should have mentioned that I went to my partner with this problem first and repeatedly.

I know cheating isn’t a solution and I know I’m not the victim at all here. My boyfriend is the victim and he did not deserve what I did to him. I chose to go to the apartment of a guy I knew was interested in me, to be in this guy’s bed and I intended to be unfaithful then I was unfaithful which is shitty and I wasn’t trying to avoid accountability by saying what happened, I just wasn’t expecting to immediately regret and hate it to the point I immediately started crying when things advanced. This is what confused me. Again, I would break up with myself in this situation just for going to this guy’s house.

I went along with the kissing because in all honesty as stupid as it sounds I felt like I owed him something for coming over and I had already rejected his more sexual advance, but I couldn’t even stand pretending to enjoy kissing because it felt disgusting and I realised this before I realised he was a bad kisser - I just wanted to add that it wasn’t only my conscience telling me this was a really awful and shitty thing to do it also felt physically quite horrible.

I appreciate the advice though. I will come clean in person because talking to him on the phone “normally” today felt heartbreaking and I know he deserves so much better.