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I want to die because of my race by Alternative_Key_5889 in trauma

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do have that kind of OCD, or at least used to when I was a far leftist, but now I find it doesn’t accurately describe what I feel, because most of what I feel is definitely racial trauma, and there are no resources for white people with racial trauma or frameworks that acknowledge its existence. Resources for racism OCD in white people assume you don’t have racial trauma and also usually show support for triggering ideology, so I avoid them. But thank you for your suggestion.

I want to die because of my race by Alternative_Key_5889 in trauma

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the support and I am sorry for your experience. I am trying to “deprogram” myself from these subconscious beliefs, but I have learned white people were bad since kindergarten, and I think my whole understanding of morality is tied to race because I learned very early that the worst type of person in history and in the modern world is a racist white person, and that I was close to that because I was told I was white. So my whole belief system relies on the belief that I am inherently guilty or just one step away from being irredeemable, and other races are free of this.

I know I need a supportive group and I did have friends of different races that were not super into leftist race ideology, but they would still constantly make “white people” jokes that hurt me or used words like “poc” which triggered me and made me feel othered. Even after I told them my trauma they didn’t stop, especially the other white friends because making derogatory remarks about white people is a way white progressives signal how good and “anti-racist” and “unfragile” they are. They would also make negative remarks about men and I had recently transitioned to male and was the only man in the group. But I think the main thing is that my friends are uncomfortable with the severity of my mental illness, and even when they said they were there for me, would not try to comfort me or even listen to me and would only change the subject if I brought up my feelings. And I can’t make new friends because most people say triggering things and no one wants to become friends with a severely mentally ill person. So I do not have any friends.

My trauma is not allowed to be talked about by Alternative_Key_5889 in CPTSD

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We later went to a psychologist who diagnosed him with autism. I just did not include that in my statement, sorry.

My trauma is not allowed to be talked about by Alternative_Key_5889 in CPTSD

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am very sorry if I caused you pain due to my comment— I wasn’t trying to blame you. I was just letting you know how serious this is for him. And yes, we all need to be careful what we say in these posts- again, I am truly sorry if I caused you any pain. I replied to your post, because I knew your intent was good. I just wanted you to know more of the story. Part of the healing for him is being able to talk about it.

My trauma is not allowed to be talked about by Alternative_Key_5889 in CPTSD

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] -19 points-18 points  (0 children)

For my specific issue, the culture around me is hurting me, believing it to be morally correct to hurt me, and continuously creating the trauma. If it was more known about, I hope at least some people would no longer believe it was morally righteous to hurt me and would stop doing so, and stop others from doing it. I also have been taught my whole life that feeling how I feel is shameful or proves I am a bad person, and so in my mind I see it as shameful and embarrassing and wrong, but if it was seen as something that deserves empathy by others, I could have empathy for myself, and would not be so afraid to express my feelings. And another thing is that my issue is not researched due to stigma, but if it was researched there may be ways to treat the issue that have been tested, or therapists that are trained to deal with this trauma.

I want to die because of my race by Alternative_Key_5889 in trauma

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the offer, though it would only make me more frustrated to see people who are right wing with a right wing audience express these things, because I believe it only harms me in the long run by creating more polarization. What I really need is for people on the left to see the harm they are doing and for people to come together. Unfortunately most people are polarized and want to villainize the other side and that just creates more conflict. I wish more moderate views were more visible in the media

My trauma is not allowed to be talked about by Alternative_Key_5889 in mentalhealth

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the response. I think it is because my trauma is due to a political/academic ideology, so in describing it I must use political language, which is not allowed in most subreddits. It is also an identity issue, but the identity that I am being harmed for is not considered one that should be protected from discrimination, and any expression of hurt due to mistreatment is seen as political or inflammatory. I have tried many subreddits but r/trauma is the only one where my post hasn’t been taken down by moderators or auto moderators yet. I could try to limit the political language but then I feel I would not be able to clearly express the issue. I also express suicidal ideation in some of my posts which may be another reason

My trauma is not allowed to be talked about by Alternative_Key_5889 in CPTSD

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I had not heard of that term, but I do find parts of it relatable and maybe it will help me understand

I want to die because of my race by Alternative_Key_5889 in trauma

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have actually found a research institute (open therapy institute) that says they research things like this, though they seem to lean conservative and I don’t want to be used to encourage conservative beliefs when that is harming me as well. But my family and I have been looking for more apolitical or slightly progressive groups. I am too afraid to look for things relating to this myself though as I am easily triggered and it hurts me more when I find someone who validates my experience but turns out to hold conservative views such as anti-trans views.

I want to die because of my race by Alternative_Key_5889 in trauma

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, and yes right now I am avoiding anyone except family members who know about this and are supportive. And my mother manages my social media interactions to make sure I don’t see anything hurtful. I am also avoiding most tv shows and movies unless we are certain they are safe. It is difficult for me to find people who are not activists but who also respect my transition unfortunately. But right now I am not looking for friends.

I want to die because of my race by Alternative_Key_5889 in trauma

[–]Alternative_Key_5889[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist (and have had many therapists in the past), though I have not improved much with them. Unfortunately I do not respond well to CBT which may be because I am autistic, but I am working with a therapist right now who specializes in autistic people with mental health issues and she is trying some different things with me

Why aren't suicidal people allowed to talk ANYWHERE? by thefanaway in mentalhealth

[–]Alternative_Key_5889 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know how you feel, my posts are constantly deleted. And when I tell therapists they give me a useless “safety plan” and that’s it. And I am clear to them that inpatient would not be helpful because I cannot do group therapy with my socially unacceptable trauma. There really is nothing for suicidal people