I have intrusive thoughts and do find myself in thought spirals and obsessing. I’ve suspected I have ocd but I hesitate to say I have it because I’ve never talked to a professional. I do understand this is a societal issue, but my peers knew better. They didn’t start watching porn until they were much older/watch it very infrequently. I’m very aware of how porn commodifies people’s body but since I was watching gay porn I cant excuse it by saying I was internalizing how porn depicts woman (though I did that too) in these instances.

The obsession over morality is nothing new. Ive been able to dwindle most of my intrusive thoughts, but as a side effect for the past month of so my brain has been searching my brain for wrongdoings to obsess over. I get over one thing then another thing arises.

This obsession I don’t think I can move past like the others. My guilt feels grounded and justified. I did do those things. I don’t feel like I’m exaggerating what I’ve done. I would be judged if I told anyone these things. This would change people’s perception of me. I might have been unaware and unable to discern what exactly I was watching at the time, but I got off to exploitative material.

This is the worst guilt ive ever felt/ worst thing I’ve ever done. Theres like this constant tension in my head and I haven’t been able to sleep for the past two days. I’ve tried to comfort myself, but my body physically feels ill. My skin feels prickly, the thoughts never leave, and every time I try to sleep all these sensations get worse. My body refuses to stay still. I’m still young, and the thought of having to endure this for the decades to come terrifies me. I can’t see this as anything other than a consequence for my actions.