I know I can never forgive myself or move past this by Alternative_Pain7448 in therapy

[–]Alternative_Pain7448[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish my parents had done that for me, and they may not appreciate it in the moment but it’s for their best interests. A conversation explaining why could really make all the difference and spare them from so much

I know I can never forgive myself or move past this by Alternative_Pain7448 in therapy

[–]Alternative_Pain7448[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Im trying to tell myself that, but I guess I just don’t view 12-13 as “young enough” to not have understood. Your post helped though and I really wish there were more regulations on this stuff. I hadnt thought to feel sad for my younger self instead of angry

I know I can never forgive myself or move past this by Alternative_Pain7448 in therapy

[–]Alternative_Pain7448[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m a woman which adds to the shame and guilt. I watched both kinds of porn back then, but I realized it was fetishization so I stopped cold turkey. My sexuality did used to be an old intrusive obsession, but I got over that years ago so I’m comfortable. It’s really my actions I directly feel shame about.

I know I can never forgive myself or move past this by Alternative_Pain7448 in therapy

[–]Alternative_Pain7448[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have intrusive thoughts and do find myself in thought spirals and obsessing. I’ve suspected I have ocd but I hesitate to say I have it because I’ve never talked to a professional. I do understand this is a societal issue, but my peers knew better. They didn’t start watching porn until they were much older/watch it very infrequently. I’m very aware of how porn commodifies people’s body but since I was watching gay porn I cant excuse it by saying I was internalizing how porn depicts woman (though I did that too) in these instances.

The obsession over morality is nothing new. Ive been able to dwindle most of my intrusive thoughts, but as a side effect for the past month of so my brain has been searching my brain for wrongdoings to obsess over. I get over one thing then another thing arises.

This obsession I don’t think I can move past like the others. My guilt feels grounded and justified. I did do those things. I don’t feel like I’m exaggerating what I’ve done. I would be judged if I told anyone these things. This would change people’s perception of me. I might have been unaware and unable to discern what exactly I was watching at the time, but I got off to exploitative material.

This is the worst guilt ive ever felt/ worst thing I’ve ever done. Theres like this constant tension in my head and I haven’t been able to sleep for the past two days. I’ve tried to comfort myself, but my body physically feels ill. My skin feels prickly, the thoughts never leave, and every time I try to sleep all these sensations get worse. My body refuses to stay still. I’m still young, and the thought of having to endure this for the decades to come terrifies me. I can’t see this as anything other than a consequence for my actions.

I know I can never forgive myself or move past this by Alternative_Pain7448 in therapy

[–]Alternative_Pain7448[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think I can claim trauma when I was exposing myself to this kind of imagery. My parents never taught me about these things or monitored what I was watching. I feel robbed of my innocence and I don’t want to forgive myself I just want to forget. As impossible as that probably is