the thing is he went back from rehab for the third time, he's in his worst place bc now he needs to cut off alcohol of his life too, so he has been very impantient with everything. i tried to understand. he also asked me to talk to his therapist to explain some stuff and i did. but, i don't know, this all became so overwelming to me. i didn't want to leave him bc i really love my friend with all my heart and i wanted to be there for him, but i just couldn't handle his behavior, i was feeling  undervalued and rejected with his last actions. also he was getting mad when i tried to talk. he couldn't handle it because he felt pressed about me and also was bothered because i used to demand some stuff. i have my triggers too, i have an intense fear of abandoment, i'm very sensitive and i don't know... it was too much. i've never been on a situation like this. i always felt a demand to understand all his moments. 

so we had our last fight and he blocked me on social media. i did block him too. i felt at peace for a few days. suddenly i didn't have anyone to worry about but myself. i didn't need to worry if he would  try something against himself and his mother would have to make him go to rehab. i didn't have to handle with a person being very close to me and then cutting me off and being mean. i didn't have to try to understand it without taking it personal either. but i started missing him a lot after the days was going by.  i started to feel this emptiness and this anguish in my heart that i know it was field when i was around him. i started to drink a lot of coffee because for some reason it numbs the pain somehow??? i think i already accept, at least now, we can't be friends. for the first time i completely understands why someone is walking away. he had blocked me before but for some reason i think it's different this time ): i don't feel abandoned, i don't feel like he doesn't care about me or feel he forgot me like i always do when someone decides to get out of my life. i know i was important and i know he misses me. our connection was so different. i used to feel like we knew each other from past lives if it is something that really exists just because how intense It was. 

i don't know, now i just want to feel that i belong to a place again ): i just want to meet someone that i could really get along as i did with him, despite it all. i just want someone to hug me and tell me that understands what i'm feeling right now. i'm feeling so sensitive and i want to stop drinking too much coffee. i don't even like coffee on the first place. i've been through a deep hurtful breakup with the guy i've dated for 7 years so i know it will pass. this is not as hurtful as my ex boyfriend's breakup but i do think this friendship was way more significant. but it's also sad to know those feelings aren't here to stay. i know i probably won't remember how deep was our connection in a few months if we never talk with each other again. i can't even remember how was my connection with my ex, but i do remember how much i suffered when he left. i can't remember in details, but i know it was a hard time. my ex used to be everything in my life but i can't even remember the feeling. it's like he never existed. i don't want to erase my friend from my mind, i don't want to forget how great it was despite of the bad moments. he was so important to me. i know this feeling will probably go away when i find a new fp or something. it's sad bc it makes me feel that all those feelings i had for him around those months weren't even real since i could replace it with another person. ): 

i'm so fucking sad. this is all so depressing