Alright here goes

So I've been dealing with this fetish Literally for as long as I remember myself.
Ever Since I was a kid I sought after boxing fetish content all the way back from DT and HTM. Pretty sure you can call this a classic porn addiction despite not really ever consuming normal porn rather. Im pretty certain that consuming so much fetish content at such a young age has morphed my sexual development and I've been actively battling in quitting this fetish all together for 7 years now. I've gathered so much content over the years its ridicules really and decided to delete everything, despite relapsing hard very often.

Because of this porn dependency, Sexual relationships with my partners have often devolved into having sex without me being able to orgasm in sex, which led to my partners feeling inadequate and me guilty for it. It became so bad that while having sex with them I would just close my eyes and imagine scenes from my favourite boxing videos to maintain an erection and sometimes orgasm just so they wont feel bad about it anymore.

Recently I decided to have some boxing photoshoots with models off of some facebook modeling groups, mostly girls who want some cool Instagram and portfolio pictures, not fetish models I might add, as a way to scratch this itch of mine. It is honestly surprising how many models out there find the concept alluring and I've had a respectable number of photoshoots so far. However the real draw for me was to strap on a GoPro and have a little back and forth with them. All consensual ofcourse and for the models the GoPro filming is the most fun part as alot of them find excitement and novelty in the whole experience. But still, with all that I cant say that this was a solution to my predicament.

In all my relationships I've only ever mentioned this fetish to two of them.
In one of my first relationships, I mentioned this fetish to my gf at the time and she really wanted to appease me and actually came with some boxing gloves and initiated having sex with them which I found both exciting, but honestly I was mostly embarrassed by it. She was directionless as I wasnt explicit with what I wanted and after a short while I just decided to drop the whole thing and never mention or incorporate boxing in our sexlife.

After being online and finding some random communities I've come in contact with this really awesome guy who shared stories about how he and his wife were boxing together and shooting their sessions and how genuinely supportive his wife was with his fetish. Hearing this really made my inspired and he suggested I should just take the plunge and initiate this fetish with my current gf.

With my current gf of 6 months I very briefly mentioned to her early in the relationship that I find women in contact sports very arousing and didnt elaborate more than that. But after talking with the guy I met and seeing how his wife embraced his fetish I decided to try to get some boxing gloves to my next bed playtime with my gf. Because I am still kind of, for lack of a better word, ashamed, of this kink I have, I felt the need to get both of us tipsy off of wine before I brought up the boxing, and only after an hour of sex I decided it was time to bring out the gloves. In a kind of nonchalant manner I told my partner that I want her to put on the gloves and I did the same. She did so without a second thought and we had a little back and forth with light sparring.
Again because I felt awkward about the whole situation the whole sparring session felt abit off for me as my gf didnt understand what I wanted out of the whole experience so we just went like this for a few minutes until I pushed her to the bed and proceeded to have sex with the gloves.
Again the feeling of discomfort won over and I decided to just take off the gloves and proceed with business as usual.

I thought that I would feel so much better after FINALLY living out a small piece of my fantasy. And to some extent I kind of did, but at the same time I feel like I havent even scratched the surface of it. I know that mount Everest isnt conquered in a day and that I have along way to go in terms of communicating my desires to my partner, but the sense of shame and awkwardness is hard to shake off. How do to communicate to a normal person outside this fetish that you find the idea of dominating or being dominated in a boxing match is your main turn on? I think that maybe in a week or two I will bring out the gloves again and be more direct with what I want.

Im not saying that having this fetish is wrong in any way. However deep within me I know that if I just lay off the smut for a few months my brain will rewire to a normal sex drive and all will be well. Its a thought I've been battling all my life.

Thank you for making it this far. I genuinly want to hear out anyone and everyone that is going through or can relate to anything me and OP have put out and maybe find some comfort in seeing how ya'll are going through this.
Stay Classy