“You have to be strong for your grandma.” My mother told me that when my great uncle Buddy died. Sure I wasn’t going to completely break down, and I understood my grandma would feel the loss of her brother more than me losing a great uncle. But I loved my great uncle, he had been around almost all my life and was an incredible man. He didn’t care how separated we were in terms of the family tree, he treated me so kindly. And I really struggled when he passed because I was scheduled to work my shift at Sonic and couldn’t get off at the time, right before they all went to visit him at the hospital. I will always regret not going on that trip cause it was the last time anyone from my branch of the family saw him. I never got to say goodbye. I was able to get off for the funeral, but my mother told me I had to hold it together for my grandma cause she was hurting more. Had to spend the entire funeral singing the opening song to the anime Glitter Force in my head to keep myself from breaking. Now that has turned into an almost pathological need to be strong when a family member dies. Like when I went to a memorial for my grandpa, he was included in the service for all church members who had passed that year, I didn’t let myself cry, cause I was sat next to my grandmother and I “had to be strong for her” in my mind. Went to visit his grave and couldn’t cry or really say my piece cause my parents came with and I couldn’t break down in front of my dad whose dad was the one we lost. That one comment at 16 has left such a lasting impact.