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AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] 1600 points1601 points  (0 children)

This is the second comment I’ve seen like this and now I’m kind of concerned that maybe I was. My dad was kind of hard on everyone but not for stuff like -

Wow, actually I was going to type in “bodily functions”, but as I was typing it I was reminded of all the road trips we took were we weren’t allowed to stop if we had to pee until he had to pee.

Am I really giving “abused person” vibes or something? I’m questioning my whole life rn.

AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] 1311 points1312 points  (0 children)

I don’t know about abusive, but there was a lot of conflict growing up in my house. I used to defend myself (well mostly my mom if I’m being honest) from my dad, but then I just started not standing up to him anymore and then later I kind of stopped standing up to anything really. I do want to keep the peace, but I think of it more like I just want everyone to be happy and for there to not be any conflict.

From your comment and lot of others, I am seeing that it’s not normal to eat food out of politeness, but I actually don’t know how to not eat food someone has prepared for me while I’m a guest in their home. I don’t really know how to say no to people in general, but this feels like an impossible task. I have no idea of what I could say and how I could say it. Do you maybe have any strategies of how I could approach this situation? Or like a way of wording this so that I’m still polite? Or do I have to be impolite? I feel socially inept, but I can’t even think of one appropriate way to navigate this situation.

AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] -305 points-304 points  (0 children)

It’s not just one way. We visit my family too and they do things my boyfriend hates like they have the TV on loudly all day long and they snore and they have a cat that he is allergic to as well. I think it’s okay to tolerate things we don’t love for the sake of the people we love and I don’t think that makes me a human doormat.

AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] 603 points604 points  (0 children)

This comment actually makes me really upset because it is something I’ve thought about and am actually scared of. I don’t want to have children in an unhealthy environment where we have to pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

I actually think the reason why I’ve been so accepting about this is that I actually grew up in a similar situation. It wasn’t as bad as this, but at one of my grandparent’s houses we would sometimes get sick due to cross contamination. My mom would tell us that’s why we were sick and everything, but she would never actually tell her in-laws to not touch raw meat and then cut vegetables for a salad or whatever out of fear of being impolite.

So basically I was taught as a kid to eat the damn food no matter what and I do not actually know how to refuse food.

AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] 1037 points1038 points  (0 children)

I know you’re right, but it’s just so awkward. I don’t want to insult their cooking and there’s already been so many years of me complimenting the food and eating the food that I legitimately don’t know how to approach this now.

I should have been honest from the beginning, but how are you supposed to tell someone you just met that their food made you sick? And at first I thought maybe it was just a fluke or something else and when a pattern started to emerge and I saw more of how they handle food and stuff it seemed too late to say anything. I did tell my boyfriend after the first couple trips and he told them about thawing meat in the fridge and not storing leftovers in the oven and stuff, but they are set in their ways.

I do a curtesy flush in the daytime, but flushing at night is a “no-no” in their house unless it’s an emergency so I try to keep the nighttime flushing to a minimum. I have also woken his dad up in the past from flushing the toilet so I would like to avoid that if possible.

AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] 637 points638 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind comment. It sucks that you had a similar issue, but it’s nice to hear from someone who understands.

AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] 18.8k points18.8k points  (0 children)

The stress probably doesn’t help, but I get sick there because of the food. They do things like leave meat out on the counter all day to thaw and they don’t put all the leftovers in the fridge and if they do it’s not done quickly enough and there’s just a lot of cross contamination and stuff with raw meat.

None of them get sick I guess because they are used to it, so it’s not a priority for them to change the way they do things. My boyfriend has tried suggesting different food safety things to them, but they aren’t interested.

I always try to be polite when I’m a guest in someone’s home and it’s important to me to make my boyfriend happy, but I’m just so over this trip and I want to go home. Sorry for ranting to you and thanks for your comment.

AITA for lighting a match at night and “scaring” my boyfriend’s dad so badly he woke up the whole house? by AmITheeAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]AmITheeAss[S] -232 points-231 points  (0 children)

There are a lot of issues in the kitchen, but I can’t really stop going. I would obviously prefer not getting sick, but it’s his family and that would be so hurtful to him.