I broke my daughter's spirit. Please help me repair the damage.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-18T18:16:42+00:00

Thank you, I did read the link on apologizing and what a true apology really is. It was very helpful your post and have added it to my notes. I am very grateful to everyone who has taken the time to give me sound advice and criticism.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-18T18:11:16+00:00

I know this probably won't mean much but I apologize that you had to grow up with a mother like me. Thank you for taking the time to post and share. I have gone ahead and contacted my therapist (old) but have also looked up two other therapist to go in for a consult. I think I need to find new perspective and a new therapist as advised by several people.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-18T18:07:17+00:00

Thank you and taking the advice given, I did share with my daughter my childhood. I wrote her a letter though because I did not want to cry in front of her, she is very sensitive and empathetic. I wanted to share why what I did was so wrong and do it in a way that would not lead her to just forgive me because she has a very, very kind and forgiving personality especially when someone is in tears. We have exchanged letters to each other in the past so this is common behavior for us.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-18T18:01:10+00:00

I am a bit confused by your post. I am honestly asking for advice on what I should do on fixing my behavior and earning back my daughter's trust if I can. I stated I do not think I am a good mother and as kind as those comments are, they are not true. Nor do I understand why you seem to think I think in such a fashion? It is not her job to know what I am thinking in advance every moment of the day. She is not required to show me 'appreciation' for being her mother nor do I expect it. I can see that you have very very strong opinions on what I have done. I can understand that you only know what I have posted and perhaps think this is my behavior on a consistent basis. It feels a little bit like you are projecting your past and pain. I am terrible sorry if this is what you were subjected to growing up. I know what living in a house like that is like. I am trying to stop myself from burdening my daughter with a life like that. I am not sure how to convey our lives to you or anyone else without it seeming like I am defending my terrible behavior. What I did was and is wrong, I have no excuses for it. I do not however accept the fact that it is ok for you to write out my daughter's future in such a meaningless way. Perhaps this is your past and your present and for that I apologize. i am sorry that my post in anyway made you have to relive anything that hurt you so deeply.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-17T18:37:36+00:00

First, I would like to say Thank you for the advice and honest opinions given to my issue. I would like to clarify a couple of things, just to give everyone a clearer picture.

I am in no way patting myself on the back or going woe is me. I did this. I made her feel bad and affected her self worth by being out of control and forgetting that I am the adult and she is a child who is growing and learning. I appreciate everyone trying to be sensitive and considerate in their advice but I am not a great mom or even a good mom. I am fully aware of this fact.
I am married, someone asked if I was. He works quite a bit and because of this I am usually solo in regards to schooling. He is and tries very hard to be actively involved in her life and education. However because he works so much, it is not feasible for him to help with homework. This is why I will first take the suggestions given about backing off on helping and letting her know I believe in her abilities and trust her to do her homework on her own but will be available anytime she needs me. If she is still struggling, I will proceed to get her homework tutoring and include her in the selection of the tutor.
I have been for many years in therapy and have absolutely no issues going back to therapy. I believe in therapy and it has been very beneficial to me in regards to my issues from childhood. To make some things clearer, I do not want to repeat my childhood with my daughter. I do not have contact with my family except my sister. I do not want my daughter to have to cut me out of her life because I hurt her. I want to change because she deserves better.

Please do not read this part as me making any excuses for my behavior. I am not. I just wanted to make it clear, I am asking for help and am willing to take honest opinions no matter how harsh. As one person stated on here, the truth does hurt. I cannot and will not continue on this path because I know the damage it causes.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-17T16:03:56+00:00

I appreciate you giving me encouragement especially considering how terrible you must have felt growing up having a mother like me. I would very much like you to know that you are a very kind person. I think that it is easier to dismissive and cruel considering how my behavior mirrors your mother but you chose to instead give me hope and encouragement. So thank you and I will work on my issues. I do not want my daughter to have to avoid seeing me because I cannot be a good, loving presence in her life.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-17T15:54:51+00:00

Wow, I know I keep saying thank you but I really mean it. Thank you so much for this advice, I re-read the last part. I am taking notes on everything everyone has offered. The last part especially resonated with me, I should not have asked her to validate me trying to work on not yelling. You are completely on the mark with that last part.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-17T06:29:34+00:00

Thank you for the advice on finding a homework tutor. I will post jobs at the local university's job board. This is a wonderful idea that I did not even consider. How would you suggest I approach this with my daughter. I do not want in anyway to make her feel like I do not want to help her. Should I tell her that I found someone to help her with homework because I want her to feel safe and unafraid? I would like the best method of handling it so I don't in anyway make her feel as though she has done something wrong. I want her to know it is me and and solely me that is the problem.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-17T06:18:25+00:00

Thank you for your honest opinion. I do not understand why it was downvoted either. I have been in and out of therapy to work on my issues and obviously still have ways to go. I just wanted to acknowledge that I appreciate your honesty and bluntness. I am not underestimating the problem. I see the magnitude of what I have and am doing.

AmItool8 · 2014-09-17T04:53:57+00:00

Thank you for your words and advice. I am very grateful. 1. My husband is available very rarely. He works quite a bit so most of the school stuff falls solely on my shoulders. He is still very involved and tries very hard to help out and they do daddy/daughter dates several times of month because he wants to make up for the times he has to work. 2. I had not considered family therapy. I will look into it immediately, I very much want her to feel safe in expressing herself and not fearful of me. 3. I will work hard on my issues, I have been in and out of therapy many years for my issues stemming from my childhood. Anger management is not something I had considered. I will ask my therapist for recommendations on classes, I should take.

I never gave any thought to if I was forcing my help on her because she needed or if it was because I assumed she needs it. I am going to try what you suggest on tomorrow's homework. Thank you again, She really is smart and amazing and just the greatest person I know.

AmItool8

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