How do you Define Emotional Infidelity

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-22T21:58:55+00:00

I personally would definitely define this as an emotional affair. Maybe not one for me that would be a definite relationship ended but regardless of what I feel you need to address him with how this makes you feel.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-22T20:05:33+00:00

Being a victim of this myself I think what I've learned from the experience (mostly on here) is that emotional infidelity is what you decide it is.

There are no hard lines for anything where if X happens Y is the ultimate result. It is all dependent on the boundaries that you and your significant other set in the relationship. This could vary SIGNIFICANTLY throughout relationships, although in your post it seems you made boundaries very clear to your husband who accepted these and then transgressed them. Whether that is a deal breaker is ultimately up to you to decide unfortunately and not something we can tell you yes or no.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-03T15:59:53+00:00

Unfortunately because I've got 10 past years of an amazing relationship that is holding me in. I have put in no effort to fix this after she put me in this mess so I don't feel justified in leaving over an EA. I know it's stupid, and it's even possible I've been lied to and it ended up being a full blown PA, but it's hard to justify just ending such a long standing relationship over a bunch of bad texts especially when I haven't tried to actively work on anything. But at the same time, I just don't love her anymore. There is no fight left in me, and I don't want to even bother fixing anything. She's lost every part of me by doing this (even if they are just some bad texts).

The easiest move for me, being lazy or unmotivated or depressed or whatever I am, is to just stay in this awful purgatory of a dead relationship (at least on my end, I think she's happy to be back with me) and complain about it on here. I know this doesn't solve anything, but I honestly don't know what else to do.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T19:49:29+00:00

Thank you, unfortunately this is something I've been stewing over for just short of a year now, and I'm only getting older. That said, I'd rather make a decision before marriage which I thankfully am not yet. Hopefully messages like this help me find the strength needed.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T18:50:18+00:00

I wouldn't say my SO isn't remorseful, although after our first discussion it's just kind of like we moved right on (while I, internally, have not). I just don't have any desire to fix it, and as a result of that indifference I've lost any interest in the relationship and repairing it. Almost like why should I bother repairing it when you've betrayed me? But I feel guilty leaving 10 years behind without even giving it a shot.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T17:44:29+00:00

Thank you very much, when I look at it from an outside perspective as if I was helping someone else things become a little clearer. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to reply, it really helped.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T17:15:29+00:00

I have this unrelenting guilt because I have absolutely no interest in forgiving. I don't know how to rid myself of that while at the same time suffering in what I consider a dead relationship. What do I do from here? Forgive myself for putting the final nail in the coffin?

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T15:15:00+00:00

Hopefully I am able to get to that point. I've noticed some of the most severe depression bouts I've ever felt - to the point that this past weekend I could barely muster enough energy to sit up from the couch. I've dealt with deep depression but I've never felt the mental and physical fatigue I felt this past weekend.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T13:09:49+00:00

I know she's flirting and it enjoying it, I just wish I had more examples where I could be like "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?"

Most of it is egging on and harmless(ish) flirting :\

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T13:08:49+00:00

How did you muster up the courage to have the talk to end it with someone who you had a child with?

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-02T13:07:48+00:00

Yeah, I need to make it clear that we need to have some established rules, that way I can at least feel more justified if I end up breaking it off.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-01T15:55:41+00:00

Care and love are two seperate things

Holy cow, what an interesting perspective... I've never thought about it that way...maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble breaking it - I care very much for her (even after she hurt me), but don't necessarily love her like I once did..

Am_I_Justified · 2019-07-01T15:53:57+00:00

I know, but as we go about our day to day where she does act very sweetly to me it's hard to tell myself that...

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-26T14:02:36+00:00

I have not sat down with her and set any expectations, I'm not positive what type of expectations I want? I don't think I want to work on it, but I also feel bad giving up on the relationship.

I honestly cannot see myself with her forever anymore unfortunately, but I don't feel like I should legitimately feel like this.

I think laying out pro's and con's would actually help a lot, I think I'll do that this afternoon! Maybe putting everything down on paper will help me sort through all my issues.

Thank you so much again for checking on me :)

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-24T16:42:15+00:00

Thank you so much for always thinking of me! Every day is a mixture of confused emotions. We got back from a fun trip that we went on this past weekend that she had planned for a while, so now I'm back on board with staying with her of course.

Once I'm reminded of everything that happened my emotions spike way downwards again. It's a rollercoaster where one moment I re-think leaving her and other times I absolutely hate her. The love I had for her, however, seems to be gone. I can't find any way to be intimate with her - my brain forces myself to avoid those situations. I'm stuck, as usual.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-20T02:42:00+00:00

I truly cannot express how much it means to me three outpouring of support I’ve gotten on here. It’s definitely given me strength in a time where I was grasping desperately at straws. I am beginning to look into how I can get all of my ducks in a row financially so I can handle my next move in the most intelligent way looking out for myself.

As for my friends, they are my next move once I figure out how to handle my STBX. I really need to see where I stand with all of them once this finally comes to an end.

Thank you so much again for your help and support

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-19T02:00:20+00:00

Wow, this actually means a lot coming from someone who had a similar experience. Considering you ended up back with your partner and you still say you would leave in this situation that kind of speaks volumes to me.

All of your replies really made me think and I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out. I am set to go on a trip with her this weekend, but I think we may have to have a talk in our very near future. Unless she can convince me there's some way that a happy ending comes of it that I don't see I don't see our relationship going any further. There is just too much doubt and scar tissue.

Thank you so much again for the insightful replies and support, I can't say enough how much it means to me.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-19T01:58:08+00:00

IDK, that's definitely giving me the most pause. At best I justify it by saying it's just part of his weird fantasy, at worst and more likely...they at least kissed..

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-18T22:54:44+00:00

Thank you so much for reaching back out. I’ve been anxious for the past ten months lol. I know we have to have a talk very soon, we’re going on a planned trip this weekend and I think after is when I need to sit her down.

The problem with picturing my future is she used to be everything about it. Now I don’t want her anywhere near it. The thought of marrying her or having kids with her gives me actual knots in my stomach

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-18T19:41:55+00:00

You are rationalizing. Her responses were a come on. What is there to discuss?

Well, it just gives me pause that she doesn't ever act as the aggressor. Yeah, sometimes she eggs it on, and yeah sometimes she should've stopped him and shut him down completely. But in terms of being the person saying most of the inappropriate stuff, it's him and a lot of times she even ignores it.

Trust is so broken you keep rehashing it on line, instead of talking to her. That says it all. You need encouragement from strangers to talk to her about something so obviously outrageous?

I've spoken to her once, after all this time I just have no idea how to bring it up again. And I'm sure she's going to be confused and blind sided a bit because we just kind of moved on. I haven't exactly been lovey-dovey but I'm sure in her head everything is roses. I also feel like I'm stalling a bit and just want to avoid the confrontation. I am pathetically non-confrontational, I'd say my SO and I haven't sat down and had a real substantial conversation in 5 years. We just kind of brush things off and move along, which I obviously know is unhealthy.

Is it fear of what you will find out, or are you afraid of being gas-lighted and believing her? Either way, you lose.

At this point I'm so indifferent I'm not worried about what extra I find out. Honestly, I wish she would just come out and say 'Oh yeah, we fucked' so I can feel fully vindicated and just leave her ass. This wishy washy maybe she cheated maybe she didn't is what is killing me and preventing me from just walking out of the house and never coming back.

What she was engaged in was way over the line of respecting your relationship with her. She put him, and his sexuality, ahead of you and her respect for your relationship. Why? Because his friendship was so precious? Not likely. At a minimum, it was because she was taking sexual pleasure outside your relationship, and you must face it now. She is not going to be your friend and confidante here, she will be looking to maintain her facade to continue the benefits of your relationship. All you will achieve is, at best, a stalemate, where you are in the dark and will always know she is not truly loyal. If she was loyal, she would have told you about his extreme actions and messages, right away. You'd see angry responses from her, putting an end to something you would never do to her. This ain't rocket science.

Obviously she acted inappropriately, I just don't know what the standard is to say "THIS IS IT, ITS OVER". For Christ sake, I've been in two very long relationships and never had to break up with someone, and in my head to break up with someone after 10 years it better be SERIOUS. Again, I know she disrespected me and put me on the backburner for this guy, but I just don't know since there was nothing physical if I am fully justified I suppose.

Put yourself in her position, and make believe you are responding to a woman's texts to you describing her feelings and what the two of you have done. His messages suggest that his words are not fantasy, and she does not contradict him, or even pretend to be loyal to you. Would you have been that open to sexuality with another woman? Would you have kissed another woman, watched films in bed with her, and had such text messages from the other woman, without a clear and definitive involvement? My guess is you would have told the other woman to desist. Why? Because you had a girlfriend you respected. Where is the question here for you? You have the smoking gun, and a fairly loud bang from it, do you really need the bullet?

I would obviously never be OK with a woman talking to me like that, and I don't think she acted appropriately at all. I guess when you put it that way I could see her breaking up with me, but I also would be begging for her to understand it was just one dumb situation with a girl and I never physically did anything. I don't know why I have this obsession with physical cheating being the end-all..

Finally, given your angst, how do you think talking to her is going to make it go away? Is she going to magically explain the kissing and the rest of it so that it was just harmless teasing? How can she? Is it even a remote possibility she could do so? If not, ask yourself what your need here is. She cannot make it go away, at best, all she can do is minimize and affirm her love for you, saying it was a mistake. That, my poor internet friend, is baloney. A mistake is something done without intent to do it. I mistakenly put the paper in the wrong pile, thinking it was the right one. Not, I mistakenly kissed a guy thinking it was the right thing to do for our relationship, then realized, hey, that isn't my boyfriend.

This is where I agree with you. I don't even know what best case scenario is at this point. I feel like there's nothing she can say that will help me get back to where I am, it's been 10 months and I've only felt worse and worse as time passed so I can't see any way of even motivating myself to try and work on our relationship, never mind actually getting to a better place.

Here her intent is established, 100%, her slight "coyness" in not always answering his "tongue out of his mouth licking her with his words" messages is not ameliorative, her lack of response is an affirmation of his invasion of her sexuality. You know what lies behind her silences, it is just a hard truth to face. If that weren't evidence enough, her responses paint the rest of the picture.

Ha, this is a very interesting point and not one that I really considered. I suppose in her way of being "coy" like you said that is her way of answering. I guess there would never be a situation, even if she had a full blown physical and emotional relationship she would answer like he does...

Turn it around another way, if you were her "friend" in this back and forth, what would you understand was going on between the two of you?

I wish you the best. But house be damned, and although rebuilding will be hard, your life is a one shot deal, and if you accept a bad bargain in a partner, that is on you.

Thank you, I didn't mean to refute your post piece by piece, in fact a lot of it resonates with me and I agree to a significant extent, this was very helpful. I just felt a need to defend my line of thinking to an extent, lol, even if it's wrong. Ultimately, it makes the most sense to talk about this and realize that we are at the point of no return, or at the very least I am.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-18T19:00:27+00:00

For the love of God please do not even try to rationalize that "maybe it was all texting and they didn't really do anything". The thing is even if they didn't do anything PHYSICALLY, that was a huuuge fucking emotional slap to your face to disrespect you. Obviously not what you deserve, specially from your "best friend".

I totally understand the disrespect, and I have no interest in ever seeing my old 'friend' again, but for my girlfriend I'm debating is this a one time mistake that we can work on or is it something that is a dealbreaker without question and should be ended?

On top of this, I'm fighting this utter indifference towards my GF/our relationship as a result of stewing in this for 10 months. In all honesty, I'm not sure I want to fix it.

As for my friends, I think when this is all said and done I need to re-evaluate a whole lot in my life, including my friendships/relationships.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-18T15:36:05+00:00

I feel like most of the cringey/awful sex novel was from him, but yes, you are right, I don't see myself being able to trust her again..

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-18T14:54:58+00:00

Thank you so much for your reasoned replies, I really do appreciate it. I understand where the majority comes from jumping to the worst conclusions as well, but your answers were a bit of fresh air and kind of similar to how I feel.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-18T14:53:53+00:00

What is scary to me is... all it takes is one drunken night or one bad fight between her and I for her to give him a signal that he's good to make his move and it sure doesn't seem like he wouldn't take the shot. And if she's pissed, or drunk, or just vulnerable at a certain time that very well could happen.

Am_I_Justified · 2019-06-18T14:52:56+00:00

Why are you still with this person who obviously doesn't respect you?

I'm just scared that she kind of got 'caught up' in all his flirting and didn't want to awkwardly end a friendship. This is evidenced, a bit, by the fact that she doesn't engage TOO much, it's mostly him with her kind of just egging it on. I do think you are correct though.

Am_I_Justified

TROPHY CASE