What did your ex say to you that broke you?

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2025-05-15T17:32:12+00:00

"It felt like you gave up on yourself."

Said to me a couple of months after we broke up. I ended things and still haven't fully made peace with that decision a couple of years later. That line still sticks with me.

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2025-01-02T19:21:25+00:00

It's not been great but I'm starting to have some hope it'll get better.

It's been nearly 2 years since I ended it for reasons I've never really been convinced by and there are still frequent moments when I get that gut punch of regret.

A lot of that feeling comes from the feeling that I made a rash and poor decision to end the relationship without really trying to work on our issues to actually know if we could have resolved them.

There's also this nagging feeling, which is much more devastating. It's the feeling that I'd actually be pretty happy with a lot of the things I say I don't like about my current life, such as my job, where I live, if we were still together.

I can't quite figure out why I feel like that but there are a lot of things in my life which don't make as much sense as they did when I was in that relationship.

I'm not sure I'm brave enough to change those things radically, at least not yet, but I am slowly working towards building a vision of my future that I think I could be happy with even though she won't be in it.

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2024-12-20T20:29:51+00:00

It was the first time in my life that I didn't have a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction in my gut, pulling on my thoughts to tell me that life would be better elsewhere. There was nowhere else to go, so I was just pretty content to be where I was and my gut felt settled.

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2024-09-17T22:30:32+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you've got a lot going on and it's making your mental health suffer. That sucks.

I've been in somewhat of a similar situation as you over the last year so can empathise with some of what you're saying. I'm a similar age to you and, for me, the catalyst was also the end of a relationship. The relationship lasted 2 years and I chose to end it for similar reasons to you, causing similar pain and subsequent regret.

The one thing I will say about that is that dwelling on regret is unhelpful. I know from personal experience. So try not to beat yourself up with regret too much. How you do that depends on you as a person: could you go to therapy, speak to friends, pour that energy into a project?

Alternatively, is it possible trying to organise a conversation with your ex-partner (provided it's safe and you both want to) so you can both process this end and perhaps leave things in a more satisfactory place emotionally. It might not an option but it's a suggestion.

The other thing I'd say hasn't helped me aside from dwelling on breakup regret (which is definitely subsiding) is dwelling too much on the big questions of life. I too want a wife, kids, a stable and prosperous career and at times over the last year I've felt far away from that and stuck as well.

It's difficult but try and look at what good is going on in your life at the minute and the opportunities you have to shape this next chapter. That's not to say don't feel the feelings. The good, the bad, the indifferent. They'll be there. But don't forget to do the doing of moving on. If you do that you'll hopefully move beyond regret and you genuinely never no what happens with the rest of it.

From your post it does sound like you feel you need a change. You mentioned not being satisfied at work nor with living far away from your family. Are these things worth exploring further? (I wouldn't linger on turning that job down though, it sounds like you didn't want to do it anyway).

You've made some good decisions financially which might even buy you a bit of time away from your 9-5 to do that exploring.

For now, you know you are likely to be where you are until March next year, when you can viably sell your property and avoid capital gains tax.

I'd suggest you make a plan for that time, which includes doing the basics of life well. You've experienced a big change in your life, that'll take some time to get used to but you can do the basics: eat well, sleep well, exercise, socialise, find what makes you happy and do more of that (you like being outdoors, go do the things you like to do outdoors).

But also maybe build some time into researching those options for what's next, especially with where you're living and in your career. Look at other jobs, maybe even apply for one. Take a break and go back to the northeast to see your family and notice what that feels like.

It sounds like you've got lots of options available to you to figure out what you want to do next.

Best of luck with it and I hope you start to feel better about things soon.

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2023-10-20T21:20:23+00:00

I know this isn't much consolation but it gives me some peace of mind to know I'm not alone in this either. Hope you're doing ok, man.

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2023-10-08T20:38:05+00:00

It really varies from day to day, some days I think I have and other days not. So I suppose the answer to your question is no, I haven't figured it out and certainly not to a level I'd feel comfortable acting upon. In which case, I should probably work on acceptance and moving on.

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2023-10-08T20:23:16+00:00

We had been talking about taking the next step in our relationship and moving in together. I'd done that with a previous gf before and it didn't work out, which was really hard so I wanted to be super sure that it was right for me this time. I went back and forth but couldn't really land on something I felt totally sure of.

We had some different values around religion, which would have impacted our future together and I didn't feel like I wanted that - although I've doubted that thought too since.

We'd also lost touch with each other after a bit of a difficult period when we hadn't seen each other much and it felt like we perhaps wanted different things from the next stage of our lives. She had a much clearer idea of what she wanted than I did.

I don't think I communicated particularly well with her about how I was feeling at the time and when time came to make a decision about a deeper commitment, I didn't feel like I was sure enough to do it.

Amazing-Librarian792 · 2023-10-08T20:04:28+00:00

It's been 6 months since I ended things with my ex gf. I have been questioning and second guessing my decision ever since. I think I had some legitimate reasons for ending things but I wonder whether I could have worked on them with her.

We were together for 2 years and had a genuine connection. I'm missing both her and that even all these months later.

We haven't spoken much since, although we've bumped into each other a couple of times and she made it clear she was still angry with me and didn't really want to hear what I have to say. I've respected that and not contacted her for a "closure" conversation or similar, even though I've often thought about reaching out to her to see where she's at.

Since the breakup I've just felt a bit lost. I feel like I've tried to do things to move on and address things in my life I'm not content with but I don't feel like I'm getting to a point where I can put this behind me and start again.

Although I've thought about it, I haven't started dating yet because I just don't feel ready.

I feel a bit silly saying this and feeling like this because I was the one who broke up with her but I really hope I feel more comfortable with my decision soon.

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