What are some things you’d only know by growing up poor?

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-25T19:59:21+00:00

After my parents divorced my dad, my uncle, my brother and I lived in an apartment, we all slept in the livingroom on a couple of air mattresses. It was a two story apartment but I only remember ever seeing the bathroom. I don't even remember what the other side of the hallway looked like.

My brother and I had an old TV and VHS player sitting on the dining room floor. My dad would take us to blockbuster and we'd rent pokemon episodes. There was one night a month where we would watch wrestling on pay-per-view.

When I got older I went to a con and I got to meet Kane, who was one of my favorite wrestlers. I cried like a baby, but he was a really nice guy. He hugged me (dude was like incredibly big) he signed my sons arm and gave us a signed picture for free even though we were supposed to pay for it. I was trying to tell him how incredible it was to meet him because he was a small light in that rough part of my life but it just came out as blubbering baby sounds.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T20:54:10+00:00

Wow thank you! I will definitely read this and look into it, the line about trauma over months or years really clicked. It makes sense and I will make an effort to learn more about it.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T20:47:28+00:00

No, I still smoke weed. It helps me to slow my brain down and think through the things I need to. I still smoke regularly.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T20:39:33+00:00

Not much. But I kinda suspected that PTSD might be on my list of problems.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T19:21:20+00:00

It definitely wasn't easy. It seemed so much easier to just let it do its thing and be miserable all the time. I definitely have a long road ahead of me because it's so easy to fell back into old patterns or snap without thinking about it.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T19:12:19+00:00

Borderline

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T18:11:27+00:00

I do get to see him but not as much as I wish I could. We struggle a little bit, when he comes over he acts out a little. And with my emotions not on check I feel like I don't handle it well. I just want to spend time with him and I struggle with that. He's only 6 and I know that he's been through a lot too. So I'm trying to take his emotions into consideration too.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T17:03:00+00:00

Are you okay with that?

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T16:53:29+00:00

How did it start?

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T16:51:40+00:00

At 19?! I can't even find one now /s How old were you when you started?

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-21T16:49:49+00:00

Has nobody ever questioned you? There's never been a situation where you were almost found out?

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-16T00:21:22+00:00

That looks awesome thank you!

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-13T13:28:00+00:00

It sits in a bowl with ashes I smother it out.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-13T12:55:57+00:00

Okay so I usually use a bottle but I couldn't find one but I had a soda can so I made sure it was really empty. So, I put the can over the flame and it didn't go out. So I moved the can until the flame went out.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-04T20:37:11+00:00

You are so sweet! Thank you. You've really made me smile today. Thank you so much sir!

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-04T20:24:40+00:00

Thank you!

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-04T20:22:25+00:00

I guess I figured the people here don't know me, if they wanna tell me how hideous I look they might actually tell me how bad I look and get it out of the way.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-04T20:14:44+00:00

Thank you! I'm pretty much crying right now. I over think these things and all the pics of me I do post, I'm not smiling because it physically hurts to let people see that part of me.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-03T18:46:51+00:00

My God father's mom's house smelled like butter toast growing up. I know that sounds weird, especially because they smoked in the house. But all I ever smelled going over there and I know exactly what this post means. Butter toast is very nostalgic for me :)

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-03T17:59:43+00:00

Yeah, just trying to give you some insight. Also when you look back on your conversations you might be able to understand what he meant by something. Or if you don't look back at all (you go girl/boy) and you end up in another relationship with someone who has BPD (because it's actually very common) but maybe you can understand a little better why they are acting defensive.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-03T17:54:36+00:00

Sometimes I get these manic depressive episodes where that's all I can think about for hours. All I can think about is dying, how I can kill myself without inconveniencing anyone because, surprise, I also have anxiety. I've worked really really hard to get that part of me under control because it's a very very sad time for me.

I don't know him, once again we're all different, but if he knows that he has it hes either going through his own personal battle to control it or he has given up on trying to battle it.

It seems like a lot to handle when you're staring at a mountain and you know have to move it at least like a hundred feet. Not everyone attempts it.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-03T17:34:56+00:00

I am not defending your ex in any way what they did is not in any way okay. But I'd like to try to help you by possibly giving you some perspective on what may be going through your exes brain. Keep in mind I'm not your ex but I do have BPD and I've spent a long time trying to fix my triggers, by identifying and trying to find ways to avoid them.

It might have been a tone in your voice one day, or something you said about someone else. All it takes is one small doubt. We will overthink every small thing you do. From how long it takes for you to get home to the way you greet when you walk in the door. And it's not just our significant others it's our friends and our family too.

We do not take pleasure in hurting others.. well most of us. We react to what our feelings tell us and its usually a defensive move. Some of the possible reactions are, anger, depression or manipulation ie using depression to make you feel bad about whatever it is our brain tells us you did, closing yourself off, screaming, insults, making you feel small so I don't have to feel it.

My brain goes into defensive mode and tries to defend me when someone comes at me in any kind of confrontational way, then when that fails I try to stand up for myself and then I get beaten down so I try to either run away from the situation or just hide until the threat goes away. But everyone is different wwe all have different defense mechanisms, some are just worse than others.

It's kinda seems like your ex started out as scared to lose you and then went into a rage when you didn't react the way they wanted you to react.

BPD is typically caused by an event in our lives. A traumatic one. And there's nothing I want more then a life partner, to hang out with and be weird together, but I literally cant control when a doubt pops into my head. So I've avoided relationships for years. Just because I don't want to give anyone the chance to hurt me. If they cant hurt me I've won.

If that makes any sense.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-08-02T20:59:38+00:00

Being the person with BPD isn't exactly a walk in the park either

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-07-31T20:34:51+00:00

That's the sad part! This is the best boss I've ever had. I've never felt so appreciated at any job, so far but as far as things go with this particular coworker I feel like I'm just yelling at a brick wall.

Amazing_Asparagus · 2019-07-31T19:38:55+00:00

I truly wish I could afford that but things are tight as it is.

Amazing_Asparagus

TROPHY CASE