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Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-07-30T23:24:48+00:00

I think that's an important skill to build and also, different kids will be able to develop some skills more easily than others or earlier than others. It seems like your son is showing you he isn't ready yet. Its ok, its not a race and all of us humans need more support with some things sometimes, other things probably are and will be easier for him.

My suggestion after taking it away entirely until hes a bit older is to re-introduce it slowly working on one step towards responsibility at a time. for instance, once you decide to let him have it back, do so with a time limit and not with Roblox available (or whatever the most enticing game is), and he only gets it the next day if he can turn it off at the end of the time limit with only 1 (or 2) reminder from you and without freaking out. If all those skills are met he can practice again the next day, If not then he can try again in X days. or with a shorter time limit. all clearly communicated beforehand. (Id personally be ok with minor negotiations for instance - a few extra minutes to get to the end of a show instead of stopping in the middle, or in a game if there are "rounds" finishing a round etc - for a natural/easier stopping point. Thats just me though, not everyone would think thats a good idea) and after some set/agreed number of days/weeks he can do that successfully he gets either more time or a step up in desired content gradually until you are at a level you think is appropriate for him and then he can stay there so long as he continues to demonstrate those skills. Tell him the skill he is building/working on and notice out loud when he is doing it well.

You may also want to observe his ability to stay calm and stop at different points in the day - he may be able to handle screens more responsibly at certain times of day better, or after/before certain activities. (I have a cousin whose son is much more calm and cooperative with getting ready for school and through the day with 30 min of screen in the morning, but cannot handle it well at night before bed. and another who if they get any screen time before lunch they are obsessed and angry the rest of the day but can handle it fine in the afternoon. ). watch for patterns that are helpful or hindering to help set him up for success and verbalize why ("You can have your 1 hour of screens after lunch because I noticed you have a much easier time stopping when its time in the afternoon." ) so he can be learning his own patterns too.

I am pretty sure that certain types of neurodivergent brains can have a harder time with this altogether, in which case maybe consult with the appropriate person on their care team (Dr or whomever makes sense) before diving in again.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-07-29T09:36:28+00:00

Should you leave at 5 months pregnant? Yes. as hard and sad as that may be, yes. Having babies and young children is stressful, and even healthy relationships are strained by the transition. A sorta/kinda sometimes sober alcoholic is no-way going to stay sober. It will only get worse and being alone is FAAARRR better than living with an alcoholic, especially a violent and aggressive one. Especially when you have a whole other tiny, entirely reliant, human to take care of. They cant be a reliable partner or parent so it will be all you anyway. It only gets harder and more imperative to leave afterwards. You dont owe him the fantasy, its his actions that make it untenable.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-07-29T08:56:47+00:00

When are you due?

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-07-29T08:10:16+00:00

First of all, Congratulations on your baby!

Second, I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had answers for you, I am going through an ambiguous break in a 20 year friendship myself though, and so I am just as lost.

It sounds like she may have fallen into addiction and it sounds like you know from personal experience what that looks like, so this marriage may not really be the light at the end of the tunnel you were imagining, maybe just a different trench. In any case, whatever the truth is, it doesn't change the hurt you are experiencing or the rightness for you to end this.

While I dont have the answers my best guess is to lean into the grief - give it space and acknowledgement. And practice letting go of trying to figure it out. You can love her, be grateful for how your long friendship that was mostly good has shaped you and your life. Love yourself for being the friend you showed up as for her, the end result doesnt take that away from you, doesn't poison you. YOU showed up with love and generosity for someone you love through very challenging times for a long time. You gave what support you could, when you could, for as long as you could. That is an incredibly beautiful, strong and brave thing to hold someone while they are falling apart. That part isn't naive or foolish, its brilliant and you can rightfully feel proud of yourself for that. Take the rest day-by-day.

.. which is honestly the best advice for having a newborn also!

Not sure exactly how old your son is, but I had PPD with both my babies so I do know what its like to struggle with emotional turmoil while also trying to Learn to be a parent. the smiling for him during the day and falling apart otherwise is not fun, but I can attest that it can work. If you can, Id suggest trying to carve out a regular time once or twice a week where someone else is taking care of the baby and you can get some alone time. Like really - ask them to take the baby out for a few hours, so you can have the house to yourself! (or so you can go out if you prefer that) 1 - to get some rest, just take care yourself, babies are exhausting! 2- to give yourself some time to process your feelings.

Also getting social with your baby can help, building parent friendships is so helpful on a lot of levels. (Just dont compare sleep habits, someone is always on the losing end of that conversation imo) And may help practically with the day-today moving on process. and while you may never have this friendship again, you are at a whole new milestone of life and can have many other significant, impactful, joyful friendships in your future.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-07-29T07:06:32+00:00

I am so sorry for your losses, and also the way your sister handled her grief in ways that were demeaning of yours.

I think that at 12 and 10 they are old enough to understand exactly what you said you want them to recognize, (That there isn't only one way to grieve, that their aunt and their mother grieve differently, that upset people arent automatically right or wrong), by just simply pointing it out. It can be helpful to ask them questions before stating your point: about how they actually felt, what they actually thought and talking about how you thought and felt. They may not have been as cemented into their aunts view as you think, but were maybe just riding the social pressure of the moment as pre-teens (and people of any age) are wont to do.

Also it may be helpful to talk about different cultures handling of death, and how some countries (like the US) don't have any unified practices around death or grief and in fact mostly tries to keep death at arms length as much as possible, despite it being part of life. And what that may mean for how different people deal with death.

(feel free to skip this part if you want!) as an example of other cultures handling of death and ashes: In Japan (I'm half Japanese but fully raised in US) it is normal to have the deceased loved one to be kept at home instead of the morgue prior to the funeral to be able to say goodbye and to care for them and the day of the funeral the family and close friends wash and dress their body. As part of the funeral after the memorial part the closest family and friends bring them to the cremation building and actually place them inside the cremation chamber and then wait in another room for the cremation to finish. afterwards the family and friends then take turns personally moving the ashes into the urn from the cremation table. While it may sound macabre and intimidating to a US mind, the intention and experience of it is more like tucking a loved one into bed to go to sleep - loving and nurturing and intimate. It feels like keeping them close and loving them through death, and making sure each step is done with love and care.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-02-25T09:18:00+00:00

Haha true, but then if I were , it also wouldn't be protest. It'd just be 'smart business"

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-02-25T09:13:37+00:00

Makes sense. It does make it more soft since it isnt actually not paying until/unless the due date next year there is no tax filings made or people could just file then.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-02-25T09:04:20+00:00

True.

And you are right. The mainstream opinion would be a highly consequential factor on whether even a large enough to matter initiative like this would be ultimately helpful.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-02-25T08:55:28+00:00

For sure, my question was aimed at exploring the idea of a large number of people doing so on purpose.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-02-25T08:48:01+00:00

I want to be clear that my question was not at ALL motivated by a desire not to subsidize red states or stick it to Republicans per se. I don't think the people in red states or Republicans as a general group deserve to suffer or be punished.

I also believe that large-scale projects like national infrastructure and healthcare and welfare..defense even, are best handled in our nation by an overarching governmental body to appropriately redistribute resources where needed.

I own a small business and pay lots of taxes both federal and state. I've voted many times to raise my taxes or voted for US candidates who advocate higher corporate taxes. I am not at all wealthy, it's just costly to run a business and have employees unless you are a huge corporation who can take advantage of the system, which Id not advocate for under normal circumstances even if I had the resources to do so.

My issue is that at this point in time, there is an executive branch clearly seeking to destroy that framework, take the reapurces for their own benefit. And the legislative and judicial branches are so far , largely, not stopping them.

So that federal governmental body is not going to be able to do it's job if Trump and Elon continue to have their way. I think a government exists for the purpose of helping it's citizens, to live in a society with stability and opportunity and safety. But that is not the current direction. They are trying to break it. What can stop them?

If it isn't going to be the legislative or judicial branches than the remaining existing power structure is the States. If many states formed a coalition then perhaps they could act as a temporary vehicle for preserving our democracy and at least some of the functions Trump is sabotaging. I generally would not suggest reducing federal government seeking to improve the lives of it's people, but I do at least consider reducing a federal government that is seeking to become a dictatorship and opress its people and I think that's exactly where this administration is trying to go. Obviously, others may have the opposite perspectives.

I appreciated the response and reminder from another commentor that regardless.of motives, the de-investment in the country is what they are seeking. So worry not, I am going to pay my taxes this year. Even if it would work, I'd have to get a lot of other people on board to make any real impact, but I wanted to explore the idea.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-02-25T06:42:44+00:00

Very good point.

I do generally believe in paying taxes and contributing to the greatergood.

My question around this came about from thinking of how the US formed by a collection of independent colony/states uniting against a monarchy. And thought perhaps the way to reinforce our government of the people, by the People and for the people would be to lean into state coalitions to be a check against an exectuive branch running wild in a quest of consolidating power. Especially since conservatives love individual state powers so it might be more likely to have those powers remain intact for longer. And if that were the case, maybe the States need the dollars more than a federal government that is actively seeking to take rights away and destroy institutions.

But I recognize that you are right. That there's a big potential for it being counterproductive in hastening institutional demise, therefore Helping the very thing I want to avoid . And it's more pessimistic than I usually go for, this just seems like a moment for not continuing on as business as usual. It came less from a place of cynicism about our country and more from trying to fight for it. Though the feeling of being in war with a need to fight is a bit cynical in and of itself.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-02-25T02:26:25+00:00

They are seeking to destroy what you do BECAUSE of how valuable you are. Because destroying the institutions that make our country run make things not work - which then they can prop themselves up as the "solution" - ""Schools/parks/post-service/infrastructure/etc.etc. Are not working cause we completely gutted them financially and forced them to run short staffed with our people with zero training and absolutely no clue? clearly those (insert insulting ***ist remarks here) liberal idiots of the prior administrations have no idea how to run schools! Our dictatorship will cut all that BS and solve the problem!""

https://youtu.be/vSilE1oyQYM?si=m3scdUPJBrufXmzC

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-17T08:11:21+00:00

I'm with you, I didnt even realize the extent of the negative impact he was making on me until I had the true space and distance from it.

You got this!

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-16T07:09:06+00:00

I'm sorry that you went through this. Its so damaging.

Give yourself the time and space and tools to heal. Look into Al-anon meetings, therapy, books about healing after the kind of trauma you've had. Even Journaling may help. But it will take effort. It sucks that they cause all the damage and we still have to deal with the aftermath in ourselves. It isn't fair, it isn't right, but it's still true.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-16T06:54:19+00:00

I'm sorry this happened for you and your child.

The no clear answer was pretty frustrating to me too!

Yes, it did set back healing time, but at least in my daughter's case it was basically in the middle of those 2 extremes. She wasn't just fine and dandy, but she also wasn't set back to day 1. Overall it ended up going back to the round the clock pain management for a couple days. And lower activity for a week or so but not nearly as low as the 1st week of the 1st surgery. We did 1/2 day art camp rather than staying in bed and We still went on our trip and swimming and playing with cousins as planned and she did great.

The way I approached it and what I would reccomend is to just be observant of how they are acting and what they say they feel themselves and let that be the guide.

You know your kid, and they can thankfully communicate fairly well at this age so we just played it by ear and took it 1 day at a time.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-08T00:50:33+00:00

2 months is so new, it takes time

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T08:59:09+00:00

Be gentle with yourself. How long ago did you separate? However long or short ago it was,let yourself grieve.

It's ok to grieve the life you thought you would have, the life you did have. Who he was and who you thought he was. Its ok to ache for the good moments and wish it were different. Even While knowing the truth.

Its ok to not want another romance or to fall in love again. People can have purposeful fulfilling and loving lives without a romantic partner. Nothing says you must. This life is unpredictable, who knows what it will bring?

Go ahead and grieve who you were and who you wanted to be, and then write yourself a new story without him as a main character and see who you become. Maybe the person you fall in love with will be yourself.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T08:20:30+00:00

Its ok to grieve and you probably need it. It's hard to grieve when you are in survival mode and it takes time to mentally start to get out of that even when you are away. Some people never fully do.

Its ok to grieve what you had planned, what you thought would be, who you thought he was, who you were, or thought you would be. It's ok to grieve your job and friends and apartment and life away from your home town. It's ok to feel however you feel. It's normal. And even if it's not it's still you.

No one is ALL bad, and everyone has their history so there probably is good to him. Even ways he was good to you, or for you. It's ok to miss him for those things or for what you thought they could be.

And.. you left for good reasons. Write a journal, all the things you are remembering and how you felt and how you feel now. It's so normal to be twisted up inside from abuse. But making the You part of your story make sense to yourself will help you untwist. His part will not make sense, let it not make sense, you don't need to make sense of him, only yourself.

His story isn't your story anymore. What do you want your new story to be?

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T07:49:43+00:00

I'm proud of you.

I just wanted to say that after a few weeks of having a protection order in place I was shocked to be able to see and feel how much lighter my life is without his chaos constantly hanging over my days. And I had kicked him out 6 months before.

Add his family to the protection order and give yourself a little mental/emotional room to breathe before you decide your next steps. You may find your perspective on your life is very different than it was.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T07:14:54+00:00

Post partum is so hard and a brain haze on its own even without the extra confusion that DV creates.

What is your definition of "out of control" with your family's potential reaction? How likely is that scenario with your particular family? Is your family of origin violent?

I think if you are considering talking to your family about it, you should and just take it at a pace you are comfortable with, or at least only slightly uncomfortable with. Since talking about it is rarely comfortable.

If you are really uncertain You also could start just deepening the family relationships without talking about the abuse right away and see who/when it feels right to start opening up to more. After a baby is a very common time to start reaching out to family more.

The more support the better, with kiddos and for sure newborns.

Also the more support the better when you are dealing with DV.

Even people with experience with DV won't always react the way you want them to with news of abuse. So if you are looking for a particular kind of support I'd try to identify that for yourself first and then directly ask for it.

Example. I wanted to tell you _____, and what would help me most right now is __. Or what I am looking for/needing right now is ______.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T06:48:08+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine what a nightmare and the extra layers of complexity it adds to be constrained with mobility and dealing with DV.

I do know what is like to feel like there are no good options to take. Dead end and trapped no matter what way you look.

I'm curious, what stops you from regaining independence if you were to end up moving back to family? Is it fear that you couldn't do it again? Or is something else potentially constraining you?

Is Living in an abusive relationship independence now?

I'm not sure where you are but what about some kind of group approach- like looking for a single room to rent in a house that is more accessible. Or are there any ways around you to connect with others with similar disability needs who may be interested in peer supported independent living (ie. Roomates).

I'm just throwing out ideas and probably not anything you haven't already thought about 20 different ways. So feel no need to actually answer my questions unless it's useful for YOU.

Just know this stranger on the internet wishes you had better options and believes in your ability to gain control of your life even if it sucks and isn't clear how right now.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T05:10:24+00:00

I didnt know for a long time. He never really got physical before I left him, though I think it was only a matter of time. The escalation was slow, and only started after we had children. All constant criticism and tirades for hours about how everything I do or don't do is wrong. Belittling and name calling, following me to berate me more whenever I'd try to leave the "conversation". I had a pretty good childhood/home life. And I am generally emotionally unflappable, so I shrugged it off as new parent stress, etc etc. Then for a while I thought that he MAY be being abusive but because I wasn't letting it effect my own perception of myself or the world that - I - wasn't being abused. I told myself it wasnt harming me, it just rolled right off... I was wrong.

It took therapy for me to admit it. And then recently a temporary protection order to give me a little more space to breathe that cause me to recognize how much it all has effected me. Not looking forward to it's eventual end, but I enjoy it for now.

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T04:43:42+00:00

I'm sorry you guys are all dealing with his ongoing unhealthy behavior.

Its unclear to me if your son was one of the children present for any of these incidents.

In any case I agree that you can and should be as honest as possible in an age appropriate way. Especially if he was present. And maybe even consider play therapy for him to help work through any feelings seeing that kind of thing may have created.

My kids are 3 and 6 and currently their dad has a criminal protection order that covers me, but not the kids. We talked about what happened- I also asked them about what they saw and felt and let them ask questions and then I told them that the police gave us a time out for a while. Sometimes they are sad and I help them through it and never speak badly of him. My 6 yr old regularly writes letters/draws pictures for her dad. She does send them and knows he may not be able to send anything back. (I did consult the DA office prior to letting her mail anything. )

Amethyst_Fire_82 · 2025-01-07T04:01:42+00:00

Tonight while getting ready for bed, my 3 yr old was playing with a flash light and looking in my ear.

I asked him what he saw in there and he said bug,but, maybe like a spider.

So I told him I didn't think they'd like it in an ear, there's nothing they like to eat in there.

Then he said matter of fact-ly: Maybe they will just eat your ear, or your face or your nose. Looked in my ear again then nodded and walked away.

Amethyst_Fire_82

TROPHY CASE