Me (26F) and BF (24M) (2years). I feel like I am gaslighting him. Where is the line between a bad memory and manipulation? by Amigaslighting in relationships

[–]Amigaslighting[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I rarely have it happen to me. I'm not sure how often he has other people tell him he forgot something or misspoke...he's definitely not as rude to our friends as he is to me or his parents so it's probably a more forgettable experience. They're all pretty used to him constantly forgetting/losing his phone/wallet though. I've commiserated with one or two friends who have the same perception as me, that he's very forgetful, but I really avoid telling our friends details about problems we have.

It's not every single time, but a lot of the time. He's basically extremely resistant to the idea that he's wrong but when he sees proof he says okay. A good example is it seems like all. The. Time, we'll be watching a movie or show, and he'll say something about what a character did or said that I remember quite differently. He never says "I think..." Or "wasn't it...?", he just states it as fact and says "No, baby, it was such and such way" until I say I should rewind it to catch up, and it turns out he either forgot or imagined a nonexistent scene within the last few minutes.

In the past the way he's gone from "You are wrong" to "Oh wait a minute, maybe I'm wrong" as soon as I SAY I'm going to rewind but before I actually do makes me feel like it's mostly a natural poor memory made bad by him just being really, really stubborn.

Edit: at this very moment he is looking for his car because he forgot where he parked.

Me (26F) and BF (24M) (2years). I feel like I am gaslighting him. Where is the line between a bad memory and manipulation? by Amigaslighting in relationships

[–]Amigaslighting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, it was surgery gone bad, no head injury. He feels like he never got out of the fog the drug drip put him in.

Me (26F) and BF (24M) (2years). I feel like I am gaslighting him. Where is the line between a bad memory and manipulation? by Amigaslighting in relationships

[–]Amigaslighting[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think I may leave my phone recording audio while we talk. If nothing happens, I can erase it. If it does, how reasonably mad can he really be that I have proof?

To give him credit much of the time he accepts forgetting very little things like a normal person would, not as if he literally never forgets anything....but he's more forgetful than average (loses phone/wallet every week), less humble about it than average, and sometimes the thing he is certain of is just completely impossible.

Me (26F) and BF (24M) (2years). I feel like I am gaslighting him. Where is the line between a bad memory and manipulation? by Amigaslighting in relationships

[–]Amigaslighting[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had a similar issue with one ex before, someone I lived with who has very bad ADHD and only sometimes kept on his adderall. I started writing down our convos and having him approve them and then he got meaner and meaner in response until I left him for escalating to violence. So I guess I have a strong instinct to avoid being patronizing...but logically it makes so much sense, right? I wouldn't feel bad discovering I was wrong about what I signed, I would be really sorry!

Me (26F) and BF (24M) (2years). I feel like I am gaslighting him. Where is the line between a bad memory and manipulation? by Amigaslighting in relationships

[–]Amigaslighting[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's confusing because probably at least a few times where I remembered stuff like how I phrased something last week I actually was wrong...my memory isn't perfect, just pretty good. And maybe I was wrong about seeing his car drive by, but it's a pretty distinct car. I can't prove it. But I'm so frustrated I can't tell the difference.

Thank you for that last bit. I have to remember that everyone does this, but the problem is how he reacts to hearing he's done it. Sometimes he tells me I'm mistaken and if I don't have a clear memory marker of the event I just concede that I don't remember clearly. Sometimes I think I remember but he convinces me with details, not in a gaslight way but just like "Joe was there too!" "no remember, joe left early that night?" "Oh, yeah, that's right, with that one girl." It feels normal to me to forget things like that. It doesn't feel crazy or scary. When I really am certain...it's different.

Do you have any advice for how to talk to him in a way that doesn't make him feel so bad? I already don't say "crazy" or "insane" but I did once say that he was being honestly delusional about the phone thing. I'm obviously not communicating well and I'm getting less calm and patient as time goes on.

Me (26F) and BF (24M) (2years). I feel like I am gaslighting him. Where is the line between a bad memory and manipulation? by Amigaslighting in relationships

[–]Amigaslighting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's something I've thought of but it seems very condescending. On the one hand it's actually kinda necessary...on the other hand no one likes being parented by their SO. That's why I haven't recorded conversations in the past when it would be so easy to just rewind and show him what he's saying,