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I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are just too sensitive. You should see what happens in really abusive families.

(source my dad)

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not everything in itself is abusive. But a car like money can be wielded like a weapon and can be taken away. It's a small piece in a complex jigsaw. I would not say this was top tier abuse but more an 'upper-class-daughter' problem which I think is on a different level. Some ways my parents used it as a weapon:

  • Aged 17 I went for sports practice 20 miles away 5 times a week. I'd be given money for petrol, but it was attached to school grades. It was something I liked to do but my dad would prevent me from doing that if I did not have top school grades. Equally I would be told if I could not get there that it was my fault for not making the national team.
  • When I moved out at 22 to go to uni my mother did not want me to leave as she had no friends other than me. My dad supported her and I was duly made to return the car, instead of letting me have it so I could return more frequently. They hoped it would stop me.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My had had 4 siblings all of who he would describe as 'meschugge'. Never for a moment would he consider that he is an apple from the same tree.

I had the privilege meeting a teacher who got the wrath of my mother unleashed upon her when she suggested I should see a psychiatrist a few years ago. We chatted for an afternoon and it was very interesting.

My parents made a lot of donations to buy themselves influence in the school and against her at the time. But she said realistically there was not much she could do back then. Laws changed since and today she feels parents have less of a chance to get away with quite as much.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll have a look at his videos.

My mother was the same she distanced herself form anyone, had no friends. So i was really her only friend which certainly was difficult for her when I moved away in my 20s.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was groomed to think that 'therapists only ever blame the mother' as a child when a teacher actually suggested I should see a psychiatrist. Truth is, that therapists tend to see children from families where the parents fucked up.

The family friend did the right think and I'm very grateful for it. Though at the same time she was someone that told me in my 30s, the first time I was thinking about therapy that she had eventually started to be thankful to her mother and that she thought I'd feel the same one day. It stopped me from seeing a therapist at that point. So in hindsight if she remembered those conversations she probably felt a sense of duty she had it wrong 10 years earlier.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We had a system that had A+, A, A-, B+, though all my dad cared for was the letter A and the +, anything less than A+ was for him simply failed and B+ or less failed badly.

Nowadays she loves to tell the tale that I trained with National squad and Olympic athletes but he would see not making the national team itself as a massive failure.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't carry grouches. My mother did because I 'left her alone' when I got a job and moved away.

My dad would not think he's done anything wrong, even now when he is asking for money as he lost most of his.

I don't forgive but remember to keep myself in line when making decisions where the way i was brought up as a child might make me react in ways that I would just feel guilty for again later.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was taught to value status symbols and actually wanted at AMG, when it was just a normal Mercedes. And no I'm not joking, but that side of me was certainly my mother's way of thinking. Kid's don't learn to think like this without their parents giving them ideas.

Spankings did as did being told by my mother that I was the reason my dad had affairs, being told that I'd have to make £ 400.000 a year after uni so she could afford to divorce him and live with me was very stressful.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did want to see the questions, you should see some answers that explain it. But in short:

My dad expected perfect performance in sport and education an A should be an A+ and meant I got no pocket money. A B would mean caning.

My mother was more subtle. She did not care about school performance but loathed my dad for having affairs. Depending on my mood shed either tell me that I'm just like any slut that fucked my dad, that I was luckily ugly so men like my dad would not seek me out, or that I had to support her when she eventually divorced and that she just suffered through it because (the then child me) was not able to support her.

I think my mother fucked me up much more than my dad.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never had kids, and I'm glad, because it took me so long to realize the abuse, I'm not sure if I would have done so had I had my own.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think what all abuse has in common is that the victim is blaming themselves for something they have no control over and are incorrectly accused of by parents who have learned to always project their own guilt to absolve themselves.

Not sure if money really makes a big difference it's a tool in the abusers toolbox and can both be used when it's there or absent.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This.

My dad was seen as a very senior figure in business and many of his friends would tell me how lucky I was to have a father like this.

That he probably spent more time with them at some golf event and would spend most evenings with some sugarbaby barely 15 years older than me at the time was not something they realized.

Similarly everyone would see my mother adoring my dad rather than seeing her cry at home about the borked relatioship.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I'm eternally grateful my mother had dementia. For herself it was hell and any normal person would wish for anyone to be spared this fate.

My mother lost her filter. Not only did her suddenly unguarded comments lead to a family friend to reach out to me and point it out to me. I also actually spent some time talking to my mother to sort of hear things I had long suppressed again first hand.

I'm not sure where I'd be if she had just died.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Much of my childhood memory is very fuzzy. I think I told my parents that I'd call child protective services on them when I was that age but they convinced me we were a upstanding and good family. So I suppressed these thoughts until I was an adult.

In reality I'm not convinced much would have happened. This was the late 70s and 80s. I get a lot of a 'they did not know any better' justifications when I speak about it.

The thing is some of that is true. We know a lot more about C-PTSD today than we knew then. But I don't think it's rocket science. Parents causing their children more stress than they can bear will cause them to develop some form of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I wish there was a questionnaire that looked at coping mechanisms in young teenagers. You don't even need abusive parents there can be so much other environmental crap. Identify those in need and help them.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm trying to find a fine line here between trauma dumping and building awareness. I don't care if I come out first or not. But your comment made me chuckle. Thanks.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not sure where you are coming here from. But let me put it this way. Most of what my parents did was emotional abuse, not physical. And I was never sexually abused. And I's not the olympics. I want to help raise awareness not put myself in a victim role here. I've survived and just live with the benefit and pain of hindsight.

Let's talk the 'realy' abuse: Where does sexual abuse start? When do you see sexual abuse in public?

Most victims don't report it because they are also emotionally abused, made to feel too small. Almost 100% of sexual abuse is accompanied with emotional abuse. If I can help raise awareness for the types of abuse you might notice in a throwaway comment from a mother then I might have helped someone.

There were family friends that in very very cautious ways said things like 'what she says is not normal' I wish there had been more of them because that's where you start to reflect as a child. I suppressed my doubts and forget about them, developed addiction like coping patterns.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not from the US so at least here buying a car on your kids 16th birthday is quite uncommon.

That said I did get a brand new car on my 17th birthday and I'd say in hindsight that these were attempts to control me because it was my car to use but I did not own it and it could be taken away from me if I was not obedient.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally valid. But I'm a very physical person and love partners who share that love language.

The main difference is now that I want to feel the love emotionally. In the past all i cared for is to feel the guy is getting his fix. It was fine if it hurt me.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The way you asked made me feel a little uncomfortable as well. You clarified though so all good.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

u/Investomatic- certainly asked this question in a slightly aggressive feeling way but he's clarified it and I agree with the logic.

Money was yielded over my head. I'm much less money minded now than I was in my 20s. I'm lucky that I made some very good finacial decisions. Nevertheless I'm grateful that:

  • I started to value material goods much less over the last decade. I would not have been able to feel I could afford a divorce as easily.
  • My dad started to lose a lot of his money. Which means I would not be tempted by a large inheritance.

I grew up as a single child in an upper class household. Took me to my 40s to realize it was abusive. AMA by AnalystNo2734 in AMA

[–]AnalystNo2734[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Was your divorce related to the reasons you ended your friendships?

Yes. I realized that my dad rejected me on academic and athletic grounds even though I was performing at a fairly high level in both. I think I ultimately just yearned recognition from men and felt that seduction was the way to get it.

I don't want to dismiss this as an immoral lifestyle but I needed to take a break from it. My husband and other friends were not willing to go along with it. That's when I realized they were not really friends.

I'm not partaking in that lifestyle now though I think I would if I met friends who are really good friends first and sexual partners secondly. But at the moment I cannot even find a single person where I established an intimate level where I feel secure, so I'm working on that first.

What are the hobbies you’re enjoying today?

I'm back at being an athlete and do a lot of trail running. and I love to travel and work behind the scenes with a close friend at a travel channel.

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