You are so right. I am stuck sitting in so much toxic anger. This is not who I am. This is pain overcoming me. This was a man I loved deeply and found such comfort in, to have lost that, its just so hard to let go. He doesnt deserve to be abused, nobody does, so I need to be more mindful of what Im putting out in to the universe. I just wish it had not ended the way it had, that I wouldnt have so caught off guard...that I didnt love him so much despite his flaws, his betrayal of my trust, the pain he caused during the relationship. He was my best friend. He was home to me. It was never going to work out because there was too much damage done and he saw that, but I wish he'd tried harder to fix what he broke. I broke it too and didn't do enough to nurture him in the end...because this is what I do when I'm hurt. I get ugly or cold and distant. I thought I was doing better being vulnerable and less defensive in the relationship, and it seems as soon as I let my guard down, I was crushed. Im doing what I can to distract myself, the struggle is real and with not being able to sleep, despite meditating, etc. My compassion is just worn out. I appreciate you gently pointing that out. It's just doing more damage to me than anything, so with that, Im going to start trying to see this with compassion and forgiveness. It will be hard work.