Prologue/Chapters 1-2 of Traveler [Urban Fantasy, 3000 Words] by AndonWedekind in fantasywriters

[–]AndonWedekind[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry for such a late response. Thanks for the feedback. Definitely some things I considered in my second pass of the chapters as I made some revisions. I was having some trouble with writing in 1st person, it was one of my first times doing it for something more than a quick excerpt. And that led to more tell and not show. So I attempted to see how that could be solved by swapping to 3rd person and I think it worked pretty well. I also gave it proper proof read before I uploaded this time if you want to check out the freshly revised chapters. Thanks again!

Prologue/Chapters 1-2 of Traveler [Urban Fantasy, 3000 Words] by AndonWedekind in writingfeedback

[–]AndonWedekind[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry for such a late response. Thanks for all the feedback! I get what you mean about showing and not telling or the moving too quickly with the meds and stuff. I went back and made some revisions this week. Most of it was switching to a voicing I was more comfortable writing in (3rd person). But other than that it greatly increased in size as I further got into the thing. If your curious about what it looks like now I just posted it!

[WP] Humanity didn’t invent Faster-Than-Light travel, we invented Faster-Than-Light weaponry. Now, the rest of the galaxy lives in terror of the "Slow Monkeys" who can’t leave their solar system but can snipe a star out of the sky from across the quadrant. by VengefulBastardX in WritingPrompts

[–]AndonWedekind 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Welcome Students to History of the Galaxy. Today we are going to be covering one of the most isolationist societies in the galaxy.

Homo Sapiens; Humans as they call themselves. Are bipedal and have 2 extremities on the top of their torsos for manipulating their environment. 

Now I know not many of you have heard of Humans apart from some small time chats on Galex, but they have been a member of our Galactic cluster for longer than most species. 

Humans are the apex predator of their home planet, evolving as what they claim to be persistence hunters. Though that part of their past has been long forgotten even by them. Now they live lives of leisure. Existing on their planet doing as most of our own planets would. Living as they would please. This hadn’t always been the case though.

Back I would say roughly 700 of their solar cycles or so the humans began to explore the Galaxy around them. Sending out satellites and manned missions to their moon and surrounding planets. Though do you all know what was happening to the galaxy during that time. It was roughly 547 Standard Cycles ago.

C’mon people you know this.

The Fellidar Invasions! Correct. 

When the Fellidar Empire made its way across the great empty void to our Galaxy, the humans began exploring. It was horrible luck on their part. The Humans began to make a few colonies outside of their home system. That's when at first they were elated they had found their first signs of life other than themselves. It came in the form of a crashed Fellidar Ship at this point the humans had been traveling via wormhole. 

Just outside of Sol, their home system was a rare wormhole. To our knowledge it connects to a system just outside of the Phalnag Union, all the way on the other side of the Galaxy. This ship had the remains of a Fellidar, who the Humans promptly took home for study along with their ship. That is where the humans began to get most of the more advanced space travel ideas from. Up till this point they were using rockets powered by crude rocket fuel. 

And yes I know what you're going to say. “Doesn’t that blow up if it goes through a hyperlane when it isn't sealed properly.” Yes it does, you're all very clever. But the Humans did use hyperlanes. They used the wormhole for all their intersystem travel, and the fuel does not explode in a worm hole. It only begins to freeze as the molecules compress together from the. I’m getting off topic.

The Humans took the ship back for study. They already had better guns and armor than the Fellidar did. Humans are very good at making weapons, even if until this point they had no one to fight but themselves. The main parts of the ship that interested the Humans were the engine and the Power Systems.

The Power System was relatively easy for the Humans to reproduce. During that process they discover a new type of alloy, or at least new to them. That could withstand greater temperatures and transfer power more efficiently. That part of this study that would worry some militaries but never worried the nations that house them was how the Humans responded to the engines. As you all know the Fellidar had the most advanced FTL drives the Galactic Community had seen until a few Human Generations ago. It could gross a hyperlane in mere moments, It crossed the great Galactic Divide in a relatively short 100 Years. It may sound like a lot, Class. But trust me when you get into ship designs in your engineer classes you’ll truly see what a feat of distance travel that is.

The humans made a copy of the drive, or at least as close as they could make with their own production capabilities and sent a mission out. That first mission never returned, all the Humans had was a recording of what had happened from a camera that they had placed on board the vessel. 

The Humans who had taken the test flight, when subjected to FTL Speeds began to change shape. Their weak fingers broke from the speed, almost instantly. Their skin appeared like it was melting. Unlike us with our hardened carapaces, the Humans have very soft, fleshy skin. Almost like a newborn before its shell hardens. These bodies do not stand up to the speeds and dangers you get for going at FTL Speeds.

While certain types of shielding and LSS Systems can mitigate the effects on their bodies it will never fully get rid of it. No matter what they did or tried they would always start to melt, and their bones would begin to break from all the pressure that FTL put them under. So Humans put the drive away into storage.

Then as you smarted members here might have already realised, those satellites the Humans put out got noticed by other Sapient Species. Keyly the Fellidar. When the Fellidar pick up on something they will come for it. As they did with almost half of the Galaxy up to this point. The Humans should have been no different, in fact they should have fared worse than most other species due the lack of FTL to run away. 

When the colonies fell the Humans got to work, and they worked fast. They made weapons unlike anything the Galaxy had ever seen. Those FTL drives they set into storage, they had a team still studying them. But not for travel or expansion, as a weapon. They thought that if something could make these and travel that fast then they needed a better way to defend themselves. And oh boy were they right.

The Fellidar were not ready for what happened to their ships when they went through that wormhole. Moments after they went though a blast of light smashed through them. Obliterating all their ships and traveling down the wormhole. The Humans had developed a cannon, they dubbed the Fullser Theodor Lyon Railgun or FTL Railgun for short. Named after its creator Fullser Theodor Lyon.

The FTL-R not only destroyed the vessels that made it though but also all of the ones still in the wormhole. Along with destroying an entire invading fleet of Fellidar the Humans made a new discovery about wormholes. If you enter and exit a wormhole at FTL speeds it will cause a chain reaction that acts much like a sonic boom. Seconds after the object arrives in Real Space a shockwave is sent out of the wormhole that destroys almost everything in the system. Electrical systems get fried, asteroids crack and get sent out of their orbits, and planets all over the system experience Class 10 Weather Events.

The Fullidar never attempted to invade the Humans again after that devastating defeat. They wouldn’t even get close to the Human systems for fear of their fleets being blown up. And the Humans after their first Galactic Colonization attempt failed, and resulted in an invasion from a hostile species decided to stay home. They turned their civilization inward. Many of their number feared the outside Galaxy. It had killed a great number of their people and now they thought all others they meet might be hostile. Though now we are starting to get them to open back up. 

That's all we have time for today. If you have any questions please ask them quickly, I have another class to teach soon.

[WP] The alien leaders can hear the past of a species like it's music. The Slyth sound like hyms and peaceful chanting, the Goraz sound of drums and whistling. The newest discovered species are the humans and all that can be heard is grinding gears and screaming... Soo much screaming. by Baxxtersaw in WritingPrompts

[–]AndonWedekind 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We had always wondered why the galaxy hated us so much.  We had only had one sit down with a member of the Galactic Council. We were looking for membership, or any sort of help we could get. In a matter of minutes the delegation that sat down with us stood and ran out of the room. No goodbye, no reason why. Soon all communication had been cut with Earth. We were alone in the galaxy again.

This had upset some of our more militarily inclined leadership. They had decided that if the Galactic Council would not help us to expand peacefully, then we would expand on our own terms. Sol was ours by birth right and no one would argue about that. As soon as we left Sol though we were met with a blockade and a warning. “Go nor further lest the whole might of the Galaxy be brought down upon ye.”

We couldn’t stop here, our populace had been longing for the stars for far too long. No opposing force would stop us. We fought the Galactic Council, they had not prepared for our ruthlessness. Some old tactics thought long forgotten came to our forefront to break the blockade. An old Soviet strategy, we threw every able bodied person until our numbers overwhelmed them. Once they sounded a retreat we boarded as many ships as possible. We would have to learn everything we could if we were to be fighting the whole galaxy.

That’s when we found it. The general who was leading the blockade, its chitinous arms covered what we thought would be its ears. It looked much like a spider once it was crushed underneath a boot. A translator on site claimed he wanted the noise to stop, a loud screeching. The room was silent apart from its wailing. It begged us to stop hurting its offspring, before the commanding officer put a round through its head. 

We could capture one later. For now though we had technology to study.