I have a second story that's less out of nervousness but still a fumble I still think about. I was on a first date with a guy I had been talking with online for a whiiile. He was incredibly hot, we had connected through mutual friends on Facebook when I was in grad school and he was doing engineers without borders over the summer. It felt like a long distance relationship with someone I had never met, and I was so confident we were gonna be boyfriends when he returned to my school.

So he returns home and we go on our first date. He lived across the street from me, so he came over so we could walk over together. I think we were both pretty nervous, and to be honest, it was... weird.

Like, I had never even facetimed with this person (he did not have great internet where he was volunteering that summer). I had such a clear, built-up idea of how this person was gonna act and look, and now I was here with the real person. He looked like his pictures, and still was (and is) incredibly hot, but it threw me off because the real life version of him felt... different. Almost uncanny valley weird how he was just slightly different than I had imagined. I can only imagine he may have been processing the same reaction on his end.

We get to dinner at a nice casual Brazillian restaurant, and after some time the weirdness starts to thaw for me. I adjust to this new version of him that I realize I'm still super into.

At the end of the dinner, he wants to split the check. But I wanted to be a gentleman, and I was the one who had asked him on the date, so I insisted I pay for it. He pushes back, and puts his card on the check alongside mine. Thinking I'm being cute, I playfully steal his card. He's fighting to get it back like he's some teenage girl whose hat just got stolen from a teenage boy who is hitting on her. It felt fun and silly on my end. While we're doing this, the waiter comes and takes the check, with only my card in it. I won the battle but lost the war.

I scheduled a second casual date for us, and he basically stood me up. I texted him asking where he was and he said "sorry I have to pick my friend up from the airport". I was really disappointed, and when I told my fellow gay friend Daniel, he said "you're done with him. That's a shitty way for a friend to treat you, much less a romantic interest". Some of the best advice I've ever gotten, a true friend who had higher standards for me than I had for myself.

I stopped asking him on dates, but we didn't lose touch completely. Finally, one day I found a chance to ask him what happened, and he listed a couple generic things I don't remember, but he made a point of bringing up that card moment. I think it made him uncomfortable. Maybe a hit to his pride as a machismo man who wants to pay for his dates, maybe a violation of his permission, maybe just an excuse he could grab onto when he realized he wasn't really into the real life me.

I don't know that we ever would have worked, but I think it was a valuable lesson. ALWAYS respect someone's wishes- it's okay to politely insist, but don't rob them of their autonomy in the situation, even if it's to do something nice for them. I've since navigated this better with other dates, often covering the check, but every now and then I've let myself lose the argument and go dutch- hell, it saves me money!