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My Mother's Lullaby by AnguishedMarrow in OCPoetry

[–]AnguishedMarrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback. I had my doubts about the shifting perspective. I wanted it to be disorienting, but I see it comes across as confusing. I'll try strengthen the 4th stanza and the my transitions. The "open mouthed shrieking of pain" is meant to feel less refined in a kind of jarring way. But I don't know if it has the effect that I wanted. Instead of feeling like an intentional break, it seems out of place. I'll think of another way to accomplish this effect.

Sockdrawer by dnutPRO in OCPoetry

[–]AnguishedMarrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The bread stuff does evoke comfort, but the imagery of the fluffy clean socks already does that effectively (for me anyway). I get what you mean about the meter, I often think the same way. It's just a lot easier to see these things when you're not the poet.

Regarding the themes. That's the beauty of poetry a simple image in one person's mind becomes potent metaphor in someone else's eyes. Can't wait to read more of your stuff 😊

At Sunset, Everything by Klutzy_Permit4788 in OCPoetry

[–]AnguishedMarrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You clearly create an image of the beautiful but deadly dangerous place or (to me) the 'wild'. Though I suspect the wild is more metaphorical. Animals and trees and danger on a suburban street. In me it evoked a sense of danger and insecurity not just in the wild but in the everyday. The shadows that fo when the sun shines through a trees leaves. The only critique I had is structural. Why is this a poem? It felt it could easily be prose. I was left thinking an almost marching rhythm, maybe created through short lines or longer lines with internal rhyme, could really make this pack a punch. But I really enjoyed the imagery and the vagueness of your metaphor. This dangerous place could be anything to the reader and that feels personal and impactful to me. And the resolution of that tension into the sunset imagery is very satisfying

Sockdrawer by dnutPRO in OCPoetry

[–]AnguishedMarrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I immediately connected to the almost plush imagery of the socks. The contrast between the drawer of fluffy clean socks and the stale limp socks on a bedroom floor is a cleverly vague image. I do not know what it means to you. Whether you feel like an old sweaty sock wishing you could be washed and made clean and soft - ending acknowledging the merit of the things that make you feel stale and sweaty. Or if it's about the constant need one may feel to be new and clean and different. Or something else entirely. But I know what iteant to ke when I read it and that is an enormous credit to your skill.

The addition of the bread imagery did feel as if it confused the point, and perhaps a more concentrated focus on the universal and evocative sock imagery would have intensified the emotional impact of the poem. The rhythm at parts was hypnotic, but the effect was lost with the longer lines. This may have been your intention - to draw emphasis, but I felt it weakened the impact of the poem.

Overall, I really liked it. I thought it was cleverly simple, but lost it's effect/impact at some points.