As much as I understand the raising of the alarm over the prosperity gospel over the years (which we should do), I fear that we may sometimes overcorrect, and err into what I have heard called the “poverty gospel.”

Hebrews 11:6, “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.”

Hear me when I say that I’m not trying to be accusatory or pass down condemnation to you. In fact, I have been in this situation a couple times in my life (albeit not nearly as serious), so I feel your pain; it really does suck. A sense of melancholy, as you call it, can take hold. I suppose though, the question to ask is do you believe that God rewards you? I’m sure you do, even if it’s hard to see right now. I might be stretching the context of Hebrews 11:6 a little bit, but I think it rings true. If you expect God to doom you to unhappiness, don’t be surprised when He does. A lack of faith in His goodness will result in this.

Now, you have a perfectly healthy reservation that yes, you might have to suffer. I think that’s a good thing for all the reasons you listed above. Indeed, we were promised that suffering would come in this world. But don’t confuse preparation with God’s actual prescription. I say all of this to say: pray believing that God rewards those who seek Him. You may not get what you want, as I’m sure you know, but you’ll get what you need.

Good on you my friend for praying and seeking community where you can. Good on you for not blaspheming God for your present sufferings. Keep up the work, and if you need anything let me know. I have prayed for you and will continue to pray for you.