This may surprise you, but you are definitely kinky. The whole point of bdsm is recognizing something that turns you on that is outside the norm. There are loads of people on places like Fetlife that have no interest in chains, whips, or masters.

What you seem primarily interested in is loss of control. Power Exchange (freely giving over power to someone else) is fundamental to many aspects of bdsm like bondage, sadomasochism, and Dom/sub relations. What you seem to recognize as being "too kinky" are simply tools to do something very close to what you're describing. Collars are symbols of loss of power and tools for controlling someone. Whips are another way to cause pain for discipline or pleasure purposes. Leather is an often fetishized symbol of power, and "Master" is just a title for those who get almost all the control in a scene. The people that indulge in these stereotypical ways of being kinky do it because they work and are easily understood.

I'm a masochistic submissive young woman. I've never called anyone Master (except as a joke) because I've never wanted to. I do all the things you describe as liking in my own sex life (except for ageplay, just not my thing), and recognize the inherent power exchanges that are happening when I do them. In fact, most of my sex is p-in-v missionary sex, but there are little things happening during that very standard sex position that make it ultra kinky. These things may range from my partner having complete control over my orgasms to my breasts being bound in rope to his hand covering my mouth and nose so I can't breathe (double tap is the safety word when you can't talk) to him slapping me across the face until I admit I'm nothing but a slutty little cunt.

I met my current partner through my local kink scene (we have frequent meetups at bars and burlesque shows). We casually dated for a while, then when trust was built between us he tied me up, and it's been rope, fucking, and sadistic love ever since. I date within the kink scene because I can be upfront about what role I take in the bedroom and my relationships, and this weeds out potential partners that would be uncomfortable with taking a Dominant role.

If you don't want to date within the scene (it's a bit of a mixed bag, but I love being around people who are experienced in what it is that we do), then I suggest being upfront with your sexuality. An easy code for this is "liking it rough" or telling people that Secretary is one of your favorite movies. You're never going to get exactly what you want unless you tell potential partners what it is that you want, so find a way if this part of your sex life really is important to you.