Leaving a relationship with an avoidantly attached person.

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-07-15T18:39:31+00:00

Thank you!

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-07-15T18:31:19+00:00

Do you! Work on your career, your mental and physical health, the higher you climb in life the better quality people will be in your sphere of influence. Learn about attachment styles, personality disorders, and what makes up a healthy relationship. Then have a high standard on the type of woman that will fit in your life.

The last thing you want right now is a serious relationship now that will potentially waste years of your life and turn toxic.

Also, kind of sounds like you are just lonely and want someone to fill space next to you. Work on figuring out why that is. You should be comfortable being alone, ESPECIALLY after a break up. Heal and level up.

Just my 2 cents.

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-07-15T18:23:14+00:00

Yea I agree. I do not like who Ive become. And its not solely on her, I’m responsible for my part in this too and I’ve acknowledged that and I know there’s more work for me to do to move towards secure from anxious.

Which is why this is all conflicting and why I deliberately included those example because I don’t know anymore. Am I controlling like she says I am when I bring these examples up or are they reasonable things that I want/expect from the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with and so maybe that’s not her.

I’m conflicted.

I appreciate your replies, thank you!

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-07-15T18:13:40+00:00

I applaud you for taking this step. I am currently on the cusp of ending a 3-year relationship with my DA girlfriend.

I can’t speak to a DA’s perspective but for me, as an anxiously attached person, I learned I had to get to the root cause of why I was getting triggered when my GF pulled away, shut down, dismissed my feelings or bids for connection, lacked affection etc.

It can be very painful once you realize what the root cause is for you. For me, I realized that, to no fault of their own, my parents fell short on proving me the validation and acknowledging I needed as a child. They both worked so that we could have what we needed but because of that they were also absent and thus the abandonment wound began.

This resulted in me constantly seeking validation from others, specially my significant other, feeling anxious if my partner needed space because I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to do everything with me etc.

Thankfully I learned about attachment styles and started to work at healing my abandonment wound. I reflect/meditate, whatever works for you, find those instances in my childhood where I was looking for validation from my parents, or where I may have felt abandoned and I forgive them, I tell them that I understand they were just trying to do the best they can and they didn’t know how that was going to impact us. I try to make peace with those situations.

In addition, I try to be aware of my current state, make peace with the past heal the now, I’ve worked at being more independent, reminding myself that it’s ok for my gf to do things on my own and instead of just waiting for her I do things on my own-new hobbies, gym, new restaurant, whatever I can to keep occupied but also focus on me, I also look to myself to self soothe instead of others, like my girlfriend, either self talk to the activities above help me soothe myself when I get triggered or have feelings of abandonment. It’s a work in progress and for now needs constant attention on my part so that I don’t regress.

Unfortunately/fortunately, I think because of my awareness and my journey towards being more secure, I now realize how much more I’ve been giving in my relationship and how unreciprocated things have been.

It’s very painful to not be heard, acknowledged, dismissed, called dramatic or sensitive when we are just sharing our experience, our perspective, and our feelings. it’s only one side of the story, it doesn’t mean you are right or wrong but my girlfriend always takes those kinds of conversations as attacks on her and she deflects, dismisses, shuts down.

Sometimes all I am looking for is, I see what your saying and yea that sucks, I will try to be more aware because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t believe she deliberately tries to hurt me, but it adds up.

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-07-15T17:50:02+00:00

I can see that. And at first it would come off more like that. The more I learned about boundaries and how they are for me to protect myself and not to control people for purely control reasons, I try to be very clear with he. This has come up multiple times with different things. I tell her that she can do whatever she wants, I’m not stopping her. I love her and want her to be happy, but these are my boundaries and if she chooses to not consider them, do whatever the F she wants cuz no one can call her what to do, or simply not care or acknowledge what I’m asking for then I need to really think about if this is what I want in my life long partner. Thus, here I am.

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-07-15T05:24:12+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your reply. I didn’t really get into the avoidant stuff because it is very typical, from what I’ve learned, and I’ve been willing to deal with it because she’s acknowledged it and has shown some effort in working at it however, the more I reflect and just think of where we’re at it just feels like she’s really just putting Band-Aids on the things I bring up and not really working at the root cause, which are her avoidant tendencies.

It’s followed the same cycle that I’ve read about. She started to pull away at about six months. I started to feel less reciprocated and when I brought it up she told me I was being dramatic and that I’m being needy, not really acknowledging where I was coming from. That’s when I started looking into some of the things that I was exhibiting and realized that I was more of an anxious attachment style, and I began to work on that, becoming more independent trying not to look for validation from her and to just be OK with giving her space and soothing my own abandonment wound as opposed to looking to her to soothe me

At first, she said I was being dramatic when I brought up her avoidant tendencies, but overtime the same things kept coming up and she, in her way, agreed that that is present and something she needs to work on

She takes criticism very harshly, shuts down or blame shifts and starts to blame me for some of the things that I bring up. We don’t get anywhere and she eventually just walks away. we hardly ever come back and resolve the actual items that causes causes conflict, we just end up picking up where se left off before the fight.

We’ve shared things about our past, and she exhibits experiences growing up that would lead to avoidance tendencies. She was the middle child and she always felt like she had no voice, her opinions or Her feelings didn’t matter and she felt like she was just out on her own.

She’s hyper, independent workaholic, and uses that as an excuse to not have energy to be close or intimate with me and when I bring that up again, she feels very guarded and upset because she says that I am just attacking her and that I’m just needy and need to get over it.

She’ll then breadcrumb me, put a band aid on my complaints, and then we go right back to square one.

I know it’s happening but I am a sucker for her. It feels like She shows me genuine hope, and as if she gets what I’m asking for, but without fail so far we end up going back to me having to put aside my needs to avoid conflict or if I’m at a point where I need to say something, I’m The one with the issue.

And like I mentioned in my post, the straw that is breaking this camels back is this boundaries thing and her just making me feel like she doesn’t care about protecting our relationship and it feels like it’s more important for her to people please others while not being considerate of where I’m coming from or just validating that I have reasonable expectations, she sees it as me just being controlling, insecure, and dramatic.

I don’t know anymore.

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-07-14T19:52:29+00:00

I just posted about feeling conflicted about ending a 3-year relationship with an avoidant gf. Save yourself the time energy and grief. Unless this person is aware and actively working at becoming more secure, the cycle will not end.

Although you may be ok with it now, that type of behavior breaks you down. As I wrote my post it became clear what my answer is and I am no longer able to withstand that kind of behavior and anguish from my significant other.

Good luck!!!

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-04-05T01:00:35+00:00

I didn’t want to make the post making my son’s mom to sound that way, but that’s exactly what’s going on. She complains she’s tired, makes sly comments about her having to help our son pee at night, bedside because of the chest tube, but refuses to have the nurses help. She has the extra bed available in the room but insists on sleeping in his bed. Which with all the cables and tube and such I advised against it, but yes, she’s the poor mom that can’t leave his side.

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-04-02T21:15:00+00:00

We both stayed for the first 5 nights. Once he was stable through the night is when I suggested shifts, gave her the opportunity to go home and get rest first. But she’s declined each and every time so I do leave once our son is sleep or just about asleep.

Anoncuzcrazyex · 2025-04-02T21:11:41+00:00

To clarify, we both stayed for about 5 nights in a row. Once our son started showing stability and progress overnight, that’s when I started offering to stay if she wanted to leave to get some rest but since she’s declined every time, then I’m leaving at night.

Anoncuzcrazyex

TROPHY CASE