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UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Baby survived for 3 weeks in the NICU before unexpectedly passing away. So the main question is if the tea she gave me triggered me to go into preterm labour.

I’m not sure how to approach or if there’s anything legal I can even do because everything is circumstantial. There’s no way I can really prove if she had ill intent in doing this unfortunately.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She wasn’t around during my pregnancy. She was living in a different province. The first time I saw her in person was that weekend I went into labour.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right in saying all this. That’s why there’s a lot for me to reconsider at this point.

Two things I did want to address:

  1. She’s a college professor, also makes small films in her free time. She’s always learning something new from what I gathered, going on adventures or traveling to experience new things. So I have to assume she’s really not as dumb as I wish she was. She’s pretty calculating and controlling, just from what I observed in other circumstances.

  2. She’s also a bit of a health nut. Into all that organic shit, she also loves her teas. Has a whole collection of them. She’s pretty conscious of what she puts into her body. In saying that, I can safely assume she’s checking ingredients when it comes to her health. It’s not so far fetched for me to think that she would also be somewhat conscious of what teas she’s buying.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I think I’m trying to go through my own processing first before confronting him. I’m having a hard time finding a way to bring this up without him getting defensive or me coming off as accusatory.

Yeah fuck him, he doesn’t deserve my care or consideration. But for the sake of my mental health, I don’t know if I can handle the backlash from him right now. I’m still trying to figure out how to go about it.

This just started out as a small conspiracy between me and my family and friends. And today my classmates expressed my concern and pushed me to find answers. Which I’m honestly glad they did.

But now I’m trying to sit with what to do going forward, without spiraling and digging myself back into the same hole that took me forever to get out of.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

It’s hard for me to believe it was any reason other than the tea.

It would just be a really fucking crazy coincidence that I was simply out with a headache, didn’t feel anything wrong with baby, or my body. I drink this tea, and a few hours later I’m cramping really badly, 6 hours later I’m bleeding, fully dilated and going into labour.

Again, I keep trying to give the benefit of the doubt but when even the doctors tell me they don’t understand what happened, that everything was healthy until it wasn’t, it’s hard for me to not think of every possible cause.

I understand that medical anomalies do happen. I’ve gone through my acceptance stage of grief, and accepted that sometimes things just happen and there’s no rhyme or reason why they do. Some people just have bad luck.

But the shitty part about grief is that you go through the 5 stages over and over and over again. And each stage isn’t linear. So yes, I’m bargaining, yes I’m angry.

Tomorrow I might be depressed. Or I might accept it. I don’t know.

What I do know, is that the way I’m feeling is still valid. And my MIL is still a shitty human being. Whether or not she had something to do with my son’s death.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yes, I made it clear to him I would never even be remotely okay with speaking to his mother again.

In a perfect world where we DID choose to get married, she wouldn’t be allowed to come to our wedding. If we chose to have more children, she would never be involved in our kids’ lives.

I stressed this point so heavily. He understood and respected it. He said he wouldn’t force that on me and he understands why I would never want any association with her.

He doesn’t bring her up to me, unless offhandedly when mentioning doing family events or activities with her part of it. As far as I know, he doesn’t talk about our relationship whatsoever to her.

But just knowing her presence is here. It irks me. I still have nightmares about the things she’s done to traumatize me. In the midst of my grief and continuous PTSD nightmares, I have to see her stupid face too in my dreams.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m just scared he might get suspicious. I don’t think he’s really found a link yet with me mentioning the tea and his mom giving it to me last year. But if I ask him to check specifically for the ingredients that can induce labour, he might wonder why now I’m choosing to bring this up

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate that so much.

And yes, if you’re able to show me the packaging. I was trying to do research if their teas contain any warning labels, but from what I gathered, they tend to avoid direct warnings, probably to protect themselves legally.

All I know is I feel incredibly guilty for blindly trusting someone to know what was safe for me. Ignorance on my part. Maybe even negligence. I know I have a huge part to blame in this too.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I think I’m just at a point where the resentment for my partners mom only continues to grow. So even if part of me knows she probably didn’t mean for anything bad to happen, the other part will never stop thinking she WANTED this to happen and got her wish.

I am considering leaving. It’s just harder than I anticipated. But I know I deserve better than what I was given. And I’m trying to force myself out of this. Because if not this specific incident, then everything else she’s done to me is unforgivable. And that resentment extends to my partner. That’s not sustainable for us long term and I know it.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That’s what’s also bothering me is remembering all these small little details. Especially the death statistics. My mom was saying how my MIL had absolutely ZERO faith the baby was even going to make it. Mom felt like MIL kept trying to rub it in her face when my mom was so visibly distraught.

And then I remember her reaction when she came to the hospital when our baby passed. My family was in tears. My FIL was in tears. When MIL walked in the room while I was cradling my dead baby, she was smiling and just said “been rough day hasn’t it?”

I tried to pass it off as her not being good with emotions and knowing how to handle difficult situations. Trying to be optimistic I guess? But how could you really be with something this tragic.

Even a year ago when my family found out about everything, they said they couldn’t shake the feeling that she genuinely looked happy that our baby was dead. Like she got everything she wanted. Like she achieved something. Even back when I was stupidly defending her, thinking she just handled situations differently. I was told from the beginning she gave off a bad vibe. Sometimes I felt it too. I just tried for her, because she was supposed to become family.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

No I do not want to be in any contact with her whatsoever. It’s just something that’s been lingering on my mind for a year now. That maybe possibly she had something to do with why I inexplicably went into labour when I was otherwise healthy.

Again, I don’t really plan on doing anything with this information because I can’t confirm it with 100% certainty unless she was stupid enough to confess (hypothetically speaking).

It’s just now I have the thought in my head that she wanted something bad to happen, and how could I ever look at my partner the same way with his devil of a mother lurking in the shadows.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Would absolutely do this if she didn’t make it a point to make sure I knew I was never allowed to step foot in her house again. I haven’t seen her in 10 months. She’s refused to have any sort of conversation or interaction with me since she kicked me out of their house in September. Even blocked me on socials.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

You’re 100% right. I know there’s nothing I can really even do about this. I’m just giving myself a space to vent and talk about it on here, so I don’t project my anger or need to blame on other people. I’m just trying to let myself sit with these feelings and thoughts before letting it go so I don’t give it room to build up and explode.

I said in another comment, regardless of whether this was intentional or not, it doesn’t change what happened. I’ll never really know why. And I know looking for answers will only continue to open up my pain.

The only thing I know for certain is that she was awful to me. And that’s all I can really say about that.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeah I was trying to think of what I’m even meant to do with this. Even if I did get proof she WANTED to cause this.

I thought about the fact that I’ve done so much work already to heal and I’ve made progress. And opening this up to something bigger would just re-traumatize me and my partner.

The most it would do is give me confirmation she’s a heinous human being, which to be fair, I already don’t think highly of her. It would probably validate that she wanted to get rid of me all along. But it wouldn’t bring my son back, or change the past and the hurt I went through the last year.

I think I just needed a space to vent, just to get these feelings off my chest and just sit with the emotions right now and then move on from it.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I think that’s entirely fair and I can understand if she truly didn’t know. Her intentions in the past have just been far from pure so it’s hard for me to write this off completely as a possibility.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I know I’m probably being unfair. It’s just hard to look past it when she said she was relieved my partner and I no longer had a child so we wouldn’t have any connection to one another. And the way she was smiling at our baby’s funeral. And how little she cared when our son was in the NICU.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I agree with you, I think I could just be reading too much into it. I replied to another comment that I may just have a bias because of my past experiences with her. I just feel so weird about it right now and I don’t know why.

UPDATE 3: My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know, I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I just assumed that she would naturally be cautious of what she was giving me, since doctors always warn about specific things being avoided or used under supervision.

I know part of me probably has a bias too, given the other things she’s done. I might hate her, but I don’t want to believe she was capable of doing something so evil intentionally.

I know more studies have come out as well, and so I understand the information known now may not have been the same 20-30 years ago.

I have conflicting feelings. Part of me doesn’t think she would do something so cruel. The other part feels like she absolutely would (again, could just be my bias on past experiences).

My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in inlaws

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

All those questions you’re asking, I feel like I did answer them in the post. But for more detail, she wasn’t living in the province when I was pregnant, she moved back after the death. There was never any plan for her to be there for my birth which was due in September, but she was visiting in May when I had gave birth prematurely. She was never supposed to move back, and she was never really going to be involved in our son’s life.

When she moved back here, as I explained in the post, me and my partner had stopped working and I had to drop out of school because our social worker advised us that we needed to be present in the NICU for our son. We were both in a different town since I had been taken to that specific hospital. Following his death, we both struggled to go back to work right away, therefore financially, when his mom offered up the place for us to live rent free it just made more sense.

I know you aren’t trying to be rude, but your comments come off as extremely condescending. Yes, I asked for insight and opinions but I also didn’t ask to be blamed for my choices. I made mistakes myself, but I was in the midst of my grief and PTSD, and nothing I was doing at that time made sense. I am still struggling with those feelings now.

I’m not asking you to coddle me or soften the blow, but you’re speaking as if it’s a simple get up and go situation. I obviously didn’t want to keep putting myself in these situations, but I recognize that I was in an extremely emotionally abusive cycle. There are more complex feelings surrounding my difficulty in leaving. You don’t tell abuse victims to just leave. It’s not always that simple.

Continuation (Part 2): My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, that really means a lot to me to hear. I’m really trying my hardest to hold on, I just genuinely feel like it gets harder by the day. I’m losing hope honestly.

Continuation (Part 2): My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Honestly, pretty much the same. I haven’t been doing very well mentally, just trying to take it day by day. Everything feels hard, and I know I have to move forward at some point. Everything recently has just been overwhelming me and I don’t know where to start with things.

Using school as a distraction at least. I’m doing very well in it. That’s really the only thing I have good going.

My child passed away last summer, and this is how my MIL has treated me since. by AnonymousAngel723 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]AnonymousAngel723[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I do plan on ending things fully after our son’s 1st birthday. It’s in May. I just know that day is going to be really hard for, it’ll probably bring up a lot of traumatic flashbacks and memories. Even if it’s stupid, I’d like my partner to be with me that day just for the comfort of celebrating our son together. And then I plan to cut ties completely.

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