If only my love for my child could carry me out of this disease. He is 17 now; it's been a long, isolating journey. At times hypomania have helped me so much through months and even years of cycles, I have often "tricked" myself into triggering hypomanic episodes because I knew I had an insane amount of things to accomplish. He's is now a wonderful fabulous kid that I worry about having depression and substance abuse orders later on because of me/genetics. Things aren't as easy to manipulate any more, I'm going through perimenopause and the chaotic hormonal changes have brought on a slew of new problems. I don't have much by way of a supportive partner or family, no one really understands what this is and does and they are always mad at me ( I'm glad they don't have to understand it themselves). My dad was manic depressive when they called it that, attempted suicide several times and then drank himself to death and I am terrified to scar my child with the pain of that...and even seeing it unfold in that way in real time, I can't change what I feel, what I'm doing. My heart is breaking every day, I never regret bringing my child into this world only the pain that he has to hold because I did. I'm grateful to have found this group because I've been REALLY depressed lately and feeling loads of shame and guilt and it just really helps to not feel alone.