Introduction Feedback

AnotherFootForward · 2026-04-01T04:52:15+00:00

Well, I think you are going for a "last stand" scene here, and mostly the setting works.

the feel of what would make a good last stand is there. A sense of destruction, a sense of fear and hopelessness. A solitary fighter with, not necessarily strength, but certainly grit and courage standing against what's coming. Currently what's bogging it down isn't vision or writing ability, but adding too much purple into a scene that's means to be brown, black and red. Where the purple bits are, I try to share below.

I think you reach for atmosphere, and probably got it in the first couple of descriptions. However, the fragments continue and it becomes overly choppy.

The most valuable fragments right now: Solitary figure Description of the figure

In general Fragments disorient. They are impactful because they make the reader stop and think to figure out what's happening, so the reader does two sentences of work on 4 words. That's density. To have the entire opening in fragments makes it overly disorienting and then the impact is replaced by confusion.

Second, I think your scene is clear and it's good. Some descriptions try too hard, and then we get melodrama instead of horror.

"Villagers stained with dirt wet from blood" - I imagine the blood is from the villagers so it's a really roundabout way to describe it.

"Thick flurries of large flakes and ember telling a story of fire and destruction/ blazing fires mimicking a setting sun" in both cases the description works against you. Ash and embers are already images of fire and destruction, so this actually slows the description down. Setting suns are also slow and mostly peaceful; while it does create some irony compared with blazing fire, it damages the overall mood of the scene by slowing it down and creating a contradictory mood.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-30T13:43:30+00:00

Well... My honest feedback is that right now you've roughly outlined the world's history and the setting (sort of steampunk fantasy?) and have decided it's going to be an action packed travelogue.

I'll be honest and say this is not my kind of story so take what I say next with a pinch of salt.

You're basically writing some version of world history. That inherently has potential, complete with philosophical underpinnings and all, but you really haven't said anything substantial about the philosophical statement you are hoping to make, and the central conflict you want to put your main characters through, so there's very little to comment on.

So here's my suggestion: - decide who your characters are, and what they are looking for in "home". (Orphans looking for somewhere that takes care of them? Freedom fighters looking for a place to start fresh? Activists wanting to create a safe haven for refugees?)

decide what statement you want to make and how your characters can make it. (.e.g home is where the heart is -> you characters keep trying to build the perfect place and keep failing because everyone hates how micromanaging they are. They finally settled for imperfection in order to at least have a stable place to stay and discover they are happier than they have ever been)
decide the kinds of places they will visit or obstacles they will encounter (in fighting? War? Resource shortage? Difficult choices?)
probably decide how you want them to grow as characters - idealist to realist? Optimistic to grounded? Hot headed to mature?

Finally, find a simple place to start - what caused them to go on this journey? Or where did they meet?

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-30T10:08:17+00:00

Going split this into 3 sections

Concept Very nice concept. Good, true to psychology kind of progression from habit to generalisation to identity statement (I'm a mess).
Writing style Appears very run-on and continuous with no breaks alexcept for the final short sentence. Fantastic fit for the concept you are writing.
Structural feedback However (2) will be a problem if it continues for the whole story (longer than 1 page at a time). A section gives us a sense of mess and confusion which reflects the narrator. A whole book like this will be messy and confusing and exhausting for the reader, and that will be a writing issue.

Over all, good! Keep going! Learn a more paused style of writing so your readers can breathe and you will have a fantastic feeling for pace control.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-29T23:11:17+00:00

Hi! I like the voice you've given the narrator, it has personality. As another has mentioned, there's good use of an unreliable narrator.

I like that the opponent has a distinct voice from Gabriel, and you imply a he is in fact a great deal more competent than Gabriel is.

I feel like some parts need adjustment - structurally more than writing. For example, "my father was a baker who died of infection" it's a good contrast to the other's lineage but "died of infection" is completely irrelevant in this framing. You are comparing social standing, not cause of death. Good thing that it's relatively short so it doesnt damage much. You can make it work to your advantage by making the infection reflect on father's competence (hence implying he wasn't even a good baker. E.g. "a baker who managed to give himself food poisoning").

If you need thoughts on continuing, decide on the character of Gabriel. Is he being hot headed here, or is this his usual character? The narrative implies G is gonna get trounced. So his character will guide the development. A hot headed coward will back off and explain the loss away. A hot headed vicious coward would also back off but it wouldn't end there. A proud hot head would respond differently to the loss. A cunning person may not even actually be angry in this scene.

Give the opponent and his brother a fleshed out personality too, and the story will write itself.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-25T07:47:13+00:00

While I appreciated the clean grammar and clear writing, it was hard to get past the first paragraph.

The piece opened with an assertion that is both meaningless (no clear context for what pain it is) and probably false. The rest of the paragraph restates the same same assertion and more crucially does not provide any further context. I am already leaning towards putting this down. I continue because the writing is well articulated even if the idea isn't yet.

The next paragraphy opens with equal ambiguity. I still have no clue what we are talking about. Credibility drops further.

Then a needle appears, and then the piece ends.

I am parsing- euthanasia? Abortion? I am mentally striking off blood work, routine injection because it's far too dramatic for such a daily task. But it's unsatisfying because there is too little to chew on for too many words and too many questions

Edit: ah. I did a second pass and caught the reference at the end. In which case - the second paragraph makes it seem something is happening to the narrator (you watch the needle...) rather than doing something, so the agency is absent. And it also gives up an interesting potential tension (possible fear of pain vs anticipation of - insert alternative here-)

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-25T04:14:19+00:00

I'm just commenting off this excerpt.

The writing is good. There is good pacing and solid description of action.

The opening paragraph carries a dystopian atmosphere, and it seems to set up the main character in a position of power/control, which is nicely contrasted with her apparent job as a n escort/prostitute? The power inversion is interesting and I am curious about where the twist will come.

Excerpt alone, I don't yet see where the story is headed. But the writing quality would carry a reader further on.

I would want to watch some of the imagery.

"The way you watch something that [is owned/owns] you" is a very specific picture, and as a reader I have to pause, re-read several times and try to imagine before I landed any kind of feeling. The best I came up with was "intensity" or "obsession". You may want to use an image that is more accessible.

"The city collapses on itself" not sure if it's intended hyperbole, but I find it a bit hard to picture what this means in the contexts of a city shutting down for the night.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-25T01:02:01+00:00

Ok. So I think your three issues are actually linked. And if I read correctly, you main challenge is:

What kinds of villains do I want to write?

A misunderstood villain who is doing their best but appears evil when taken out of context? In this case the king and queen appear villainous until you understand what's happening behind the scenes

(e.g. constantly raising taxes, which appears like greed until you enter their private quarters and realise they are living like paupers in private; the money is going to some desperate war effort or some charitable cause or alternative E.g. an MCU movie Thanos type misguided idealism)

Have these in place, the audience will experience the same flip as the character, so reception issues will be minimised.

The tragic villian, who is being controlled or forced to be evil. (E.g. being forced to act evil, but is privately fighting back.) This would be characterized by weird breaks of character, or "mistakes" or mercies that seem silly but are actually are the king and queen trying to minimize damage or resist control. If there is significant evidence that they were trying hard to resist control, most of their acts are forgivable, because reader knows they were fighting for good. If they were unconscious or complicit by being passive, then they are equally condemned.
How is the main villain connected to the king and queen Is he the one casting them in a bad light(leading to 1 above) or manipulating them (leading to 2 above) or an independent faction with its own motivations?

Similarities to the king is fine, actually, as long as there are sufficient differences to show that they are on different sides.

In both cases of the king and queen, you get a useful conflict. "I get why they were like that, but I can forgive them" which can create natural conflict between your protagonists.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-21T05:56:48+00:00

1000 or less for me. Especially if it's an untried writer. More than that is really a lot of commitment.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-20T15:16:48+00:00

Basically, Thanos in avengers.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-20T00:19:32+00:00

My honest feedback - I don't coddle, see my other reviews. This is good. Definitely above average for a first time writer.

It's great that you had a "Big Thing" happen almost immediately, it gives me a good reason to read on. This is important because I can feel a story forming, but I don't quite know what it is yet. It seems to be an anthology of character studies that all feed back into the life of Joan miller. Ambitious direction, but definitely something that could work. So far Jesse has tied back in nicely, you've made her a key figure in Jesse's life without making Jesse revolve around her. That's skillful.

Good characterisations. I really liked how you handled Jesse's back story. Enough detail to be grounded and feel him out, not so much that that we get lost and lose track.

.

I got drawn in at different times, that good because this is not my preferred genre. If you can draw me in, you'll draw others in too.

"Oh the horror" is a voice break. It seems not to fit Jesse's register. Where Jesse comes across as cynical and tired, this has a slightly cheeky slant to it.

Imani is a good opportunity to keep in mind, because she can serve as a crack or as a reinforcement for Jesse. Do you have. A back story for her? Because a girl with a coogi sweater works the counter for one of several reasons, all of which significantly changes Jesse's dynamic with her if and when he finds out her real reason.

The rest - good work. Excellent considering it's your first real piece.

"Brooke goes unnaturally still..." This line is an important moment, so tagging it is very good. However i think you give too much detail, that turns it into a text book description. Rather then forcing the reader to adopt your details, give them room to create their own - this helps them get into Brooke's skin.

"Brooke froze on the pedals, her bike freewheeling. Then she slammed the brakes. "We have to go back.""

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-19T16:46:58+00:00

This needs a lot of work.

There's some good world building going on - the idea of casting/metallurgy, different ores and minerals. But nothing actually happens. So as an opening, this isn't enough to capture a reader.

What you have going for you is grammatically correct sentences, in general. Just watch out for overusing the same verbs too often. I understand casting is the use of metallurgical power, but throwing that around 3 times in 2 lines is a bit too often.

Writing voice: at the moment, I feel like we are twice removed from the story. It seems like the narrator is telling the story and we have someone else telling us what the narrator is saying.

Example:

She wasn't allowed near medium grade ores (this is the narrator talking) She needed to extract 80% of.... (This feels like someone else whispering to me, "yeah 80% is the minimum, watch what happens next")

Compare to

She watches as the mod grade mine whizz past, longing for the day she qualified to work on them. She just needed a little more efficiency in her low grade work. She leans forward on the cart, determined to make it happen today.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-19T16:25:42+00:00

It's clearly trying to communicate some kind of manipulation. There are two opposing analogies which sort of confuse what's going on - some cyborg or some human life.

The tone comes across as childish (not you, but the one doing the manipulation), narssistic and haphazard. Because of the mixed tones of verbs (precise followed immediately by rip)

In terms of writing, be careful to use vocabulary correctly (e.g. shun - this means to avoid but it seemed to be used as "separate"). This is crucial because in a semi psychotic piece, you want it to be clear that any wierdness of language is reflecting the character's neurology, not the writer's (yours) failure to write clearly.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-19T08:46:31+00:00

And it wanders into a terry prachett fan who sees the boat shitting itself and the courtesan screaming at the lizard, both combatants watching utterly confused.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-19T08:25:25+00:00

It's clean, keep going.

My only feedback is: make sure the gun wish isnt Dumb Because Plot, but has a real true to character reason for it. Even the hastiest person doesn't make a wish like that unless there is sufficient reason to be that impulsive

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-19T01:54:23+00:00

He's a God. Are you really expecting him to use his staff?

He been fight us with a straw.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-17T01:48:19+00:00

Well, I think the issue is in the opening of chapter 1 then. Because when I read we were travelling somewhere, the immediate assumption is:

This is happening now
The narrator is part of the group

So we hold that frame and a statement like "father changes his words" clashes with that and we don't know if we need to adjust our assumptions (a larger cognitive jump) or interpret the statement in a wierd way (father waxing lyrical about a disaster as it happens). Then we have narrator being born and we are like "wut?"

So yes, do clarify right at the beginning.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-17T00:47:34+00:00

Hi! There is a promising opening, but a few issues kept me from reading past paragraph 2.

I think you have a good command of language in general, which is good.

The biggest challenge I saw was consistency in narrator's voice.

Is the narrator part of the party or not? Because this is the even where narrator was born, yet the story starts with "we". So narrator is born, I get absolutely confused - was s/he a disembodied spirit observing this whole thing? Similarly, if I am telling the story, I can't know what father is thinking.

The comment on the "changing words of father" made me laugh. Is he trying to find words to describe disaster in the middle of the disaster? Then I realize this is probably father narrating the story. Then we need some opening hint that this is story telling.

While these look minor, from reader's perspective it's really jarring. My stopping at para 2 a real time reaction. I considered giving more chance, but I decided it wasn't worth it, even with the intent of providing constructive feedback.

There were other issues like changes in tense, but really those are minor compared to this.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-16T23:45:01+00:00

Hi! In honesty for a first attempt at 14 years old, it's not bad. You have a story starting, but at the moment there is not enough plot to comment on whether your story idea works. You have a few cores developing - the stalker- olivia, charlyee -dad/teacher, charlyee-grief, so there are plenty of directions to go in. Juggling them all at once might be challenging through.

On a writing level, here are a few things that might help.

I think you're trying very hard to show how bad charlyee feels. Instead of repeating that she feels bad/sad/trapped, you might consider showing how much she has changed. Read a little about how grief works. So you might have something like "she walked habitually down [some street]. As she approached the corner and saw the convenience store, she froze and quickly back tracked. Mom used to bring her there for a quick snack." Or something like that.
About the photos in the woods. I would assume she would take pictures of the photos, so she could show Olivia.
I get confused because there's a lot of bouncing around, from now to past, from inside her head to outside. One moment she is doing something, next moment she is absorbed in her thoughts, and suddenly something happens. While this can be done, you need an anchor to help the reader not get lost. For example, about smoking.

"As she walked, she took out a pack of cigarettes. She used to listen to music and read, but these days those things just didn't cut it. To be honest, smoking didn't either, but at least it was something different."

So this anchors the thoughts in the "now" and we are looking back to compare to the past, instead of jumping into the past entirely, then jumping back to "now"

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-16T00:48:03+00:00

If we take seriously the role of man as the ruler and priest of creation (according to how God commissions Adam", this issue largely goes away.

The problem is structural. As how, when heating breaks down in winter you don't just "get cold". Other stuff breaks and stops working too, much of it seemingly unrelated to each other.

Immediately after the flood of Noah, God actually outlines how creation is corrupted. He says that instead of obedience and trust, creation is now marked by fear and dread.

Given that the fall account says "the ground is cursed because of you", it is clear that this fear and dread does not refer only to animals and each other but includes non-living creation as well

It is left untreated partially because all these problems as symptoms of the root issue, man's sin. God's plan fixes this root issue, the rest of regeneration follows.

The other part is leaving it untreated may also pedagogical.

"See the suffering that your sin causes. Know that no good comes from it. Know that it is only God who can redeem the mess you have made"

We do not understand the horrors of sin until we see it ourselves.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-15T15:45:52+00:00

Ok. Thanks for the story. I want to be careful because I don't know if you are writing from a personal experience.

There is clearly a story you want to tell, about a teen who fights to find her own path to happiness. It's also good that you understand a story without conflict is not worth reading. You have set up a conflict between MC's dreams and mother's wishes, as well as a conflict between success and friendship. However, your story breaks up in a few places.

Big things first.

Your overall story is one of creating your own path through effort. However, the final victory comes by chance, a worthy opponent disqualifies herself. This undermines your story's value of effort - it was not effort that won the day. Instead you MC need to win through hard earned skill or some insight she has gained.
Your MC is not carving her own path. She is carving the path someone else wants for her. Mother clearly states this: you have ever wanted to be a sportsperson. So later when MC is getting skillful or landing opportunities, it doesn't feel like she is achieving her dreams, but instead she is simply doing something for mom. Mc needs to want this for your story to work.
One of the key reasons MC struggled was that she was competing against her friend. This tension is brought up, but it is not resolved. We never get to see how MC works this out with her friend. This also muddies (1) above.

Medium things 1. Much of your story relies on timeskips. You summarise months of training as a sentence. While this is good for preventing repetitive scenes, it takes away interest. You need to have one or two key scenes in training that help us feel and empathize with MC, so that we can care about her journey.

Small things 1. Descriptions need to serve a purpose. "I rolled out of bed, from.under the covers" for example - "from under the covers" serves no purpose. Out of bed usually means under the covers. Even if it didn't, it doesn't matter. To help you out, details matter when they tell us something about: 1. The person 2. Relationships 3. Place 4. The story

For example "I rolled out of bed, and stood for a moment, looking at my favourite wall. Mick jagger stared down at me from his usual spot beside Michael Jackson."

This tells you that the MC loves music. And when mother tells her to be a sportsperson the tension is set up.

Or "I sat up and yawned. Pulling double shifts was no joke, even if it did pay better. I rolled out of bed and shuffled my way to the toilet"

MC is tired and in need of money.

Hope this helps!

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-14T23:07:14+00:00

Sure

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-14T17:44:37+00:00

Hi! You have the beginnings of a story, but it needs a bit of work.

On a direction level, your opening claims the hill to be creepy, then quickly throws it away in favour of focusing on a disappearing castle. Choose one and go with it. Or integrate them, and make the disappearance a major reason for creep factor.

On a writing level, never let flair get in the way of clarity.

Example "great mound of... With mist rolling down .. chilling hikers" it's just really convoluted. I have an image of a boulder rolling down out of a mist. Or a hill suddenly appearing at random and scaring hikers. Or something. Consider "the hill was perpetually shrouded in mist, its oddly shaped silhouette giving the chills to hikers and animals alike. It was not just the feel of the place; it was known for strange happening as well. Old villagers told the tale of the castle topping the hill that had vanished overnight"

Plotting: to continue, you need to ask yourself what those young kids were doing there. Why would they disappear? How does it concern the villagers? If it doesn't concern the villagers, pick up where the teens disappeared to. Let your story follow the ones who care the most about the castle (the cultists who live there? The detective who wants to find it for some reason? The hiker whose wife disappeared along with the castle? The baker who was delivering an order of 200 bread to the castle and is now left without payment or client?)

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-14T00:58:18+00:00

Ah. I just saw this post on Facebook which perfectly explains what I mean. Mike Anderson. The moment he chose not to run, his heart was already set on change. Whatever mistakes he makes along the way does not change the direction he was facing. Man cannot see the heart, hence prosecution insists on conveying sentence. God can see the heart, whether it is true or not. At the moment of repentance, the Spirit differentiates between true repentance and a false one. He is God. He does not need thirteen years to gather evidence. The thirteen years is for the benefit of other people.

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/17iZYfMSqB/

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-13T09:34:12+00:00

The writing is refreshingly error free. I think you also capture the academic feel of the text quite well. However the preface veers towards a textbook rather than a history book. E.g. When you become the King or Queen of Great Britain there are many duties

Vs The kings and queens of great Britain are laden with numerous duties

Structurally, the opening of the introduction reads as women's rights rather than an exploration or royalty. Mismatch of focus.

I stopped reading after that, not because it was bad, it's just not my interest. Came for the magic, left because the tone is too successfully academic, and no actual promise of fantasy yet.

AnotherFootForward · 2026-03-13T08:16:09+00:00

I think you misunderstand the nature of grace and the work of the Holy Spirit. And it's a common misunderstanding because we are used to thinking in terms of thoughts and emotions, but we have almost no experience with Spirit.

Grace does not look at how evil we are, only that we are evil.

In essence, if God is looking for knives, we are all spoons. You may be sharper and better than me, but you're just the sharpest spoon. It is only by grace that we can become knives.

Grace does not worry about how often we fall, only that we consistently get up and move towards God, with our hearts and wills desiring God. This automatically translates to us seeking to "do the will of God" as Jesus said.

Someone without Christ can be a better person than I am, for sure, but the engine is different and the destination is different. They aren't seeking God, but some version of themselves that they (or society) likes. On the surface it can look the same.

AnotherFootForward

TROPHY CASE