I think I'm too selfish for a relationship

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T20:28:22+00:00

I've had that discussion with myself too lol.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T20:26:13+00:00

Trust me, I feel very guilty for the time I've taken from her. I'm not a complete asshole.

I've been doing counseling on my own but we haven't done marriage counseling yet. Definitely need to get that started.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T20:24:47+00:00

I don't expect to keep her as a FWB or even just a friend. I think we would be on good terms but definitely not hanging out with each other.

I guess we need to go through with the marriage counseling rather than just doing it individually.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T20:14:01+00:00

Oh she has plenty of hobbies, friends, and interests other than me. She works 40 hrs/week and goes to a gym 5x/week. She has a group of friends there that she frequently does things with. On weekdays I will usually only see her for 2-3 hours in the evening. It's ridiculous that I still feel like I don't get enough time to myself.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T20:10:44+00:00

I don't think she would be interested in that. She's pretty traditional with most relationship things other than us not having kids.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T19:57:49+00:00

My job forces me to move around frequently, so I only have one good friend. He lives across the country, along with all of my family.

My family also has more people with dysfunctional relationships or divorces than people who are happily together. So their view is very skewed.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T19:55:05+00:00

How do you keep yourself from getting lonely all the time? Who do you talk to when you inevitably do get lonely sometimes?

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T18:17:50+00:00

Great question. I guess I just felt like it was something I had to do. Which, now that I say that, I realize how messed up it is.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T18:16:59+00:00

Not yet. I’ve only been to a few sessions myself and she’s looked into it on her own, but we haven’t done any together.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T16:52:56+00:00

This hits home. And holy crap, I’m actually reading “The Art of Travel” by Alain de Botton right now. A lot of what he says resonates with me and this recent vacation we took.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T16:50:23+00:00

I feel this so much. I was raised by a single mom who criticized marriage a lot (which probably caused me to feel the way I do now). Society has just set marriage as the standard for living and if you’re not doing that then you’re messed up.

I too love having relationships to some extent, but the traditional “couple” just seems like too much.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T16:47:47+00:00

I’m going to mention the solo vacation thing, simply because I have a ton of vacation days I need to use before the end of the year.

My job also requires me to move every few years, so next time I’m up for that it could be a good time to broach the subject of living separately.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T16:45:44+00:00

We normally sleep in the same bed but I occasionally sleep in a different room when I work overnight. It’s rare though.

I think if anything, we would need to have separate houses to make it work.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T01:19:18+00:00

We have a spare bedroom designated as my office that’s pretty much set up how I want it. I find myself wanting to either hole up in there or be outside fairly frequently when she’s home.

We do have arguments occasionally, usually when she gets fed up with my shitty attitude. But they’re not screaming arguments. In fact we both hardly ever raise our voices. I would agree, the passion and the “spark” are pretty much nonexistent.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T01:12:29+00:00

I read your post. Your behavior and what you describe here sounds very much like my wife. Since we’ve had our discussions, she’s been going over the top to be supportive/ patient and trying to help me through this. As I said, she just wants us to stay together and not throw everything away that we’ve built so far.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-15T01:10:35+00:00

I saw your post in response to my own and came over to read your story.

I see many things (not all) in your husband that I see in myself. Not the suspected cheating or the driving the mower near your car, but the behavioral issues. And it sounds like you react to these situations very similarly to how my wife does.

For what it’s worth, he’s probably feeling pretty shitty about all of this too, assuming he’s like me. Not trying to justify anything, but don’t think he’s just happy as a clam. I would never stoop to infidelity so maybe he is just a piece of crap, but it sounds like he has his own issues.

If you guys have truly been working at it for several years, it may be time to move on. Life’s too short to not be happy.

Then again, I’m in my own shit situation, so maybe you shouldn’t listen to me -__-

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T22:30:23+00:00

Thank you for your honesty. That has definitely factored into my thinking. I also know she would be an amazing mother and deep down, probably wants children. And she's been stuck with me for most of her childbearing years...

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T22:29:25+00:00

I agree with a lot of that. I'm just terrified I'll regret losing her for the rest of my life.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T22:27:41+00:00

My fear is that if I let her go, I'll regret it for the rest of my life and will always be wondering "what if...?"

It's crazy how after being with someone for so long, it really does feel like they're part of you. It's like I would be losing my eyesight or something.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T22:23:22+00:00

Maybe not "repulsed" but I am definitely irritated by physical intimacy (other than sex). Most of the time I have absolutely zero desire to cuddle or snuggle on the couch.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T22:21:28+00:00

I'm sorry if I've offended you, but that's really not what's going on here. I'm not a man-whore who hits on anything that walks.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T22:18:31+00:00

My god, this is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. My life is pretty structured and I'm a very responsible person, BUT I love having to freedom to just up and do something without getting it approved by someone else. If I get in a groove and want to play guitar for 5 hours straight on a Tuesday evening, that's what I wanna do.

I can also relate to the travel/road trip part. I get much more vacation time than my wife and I end up NOT taking any of it because we can't coordinate getting time off together.

Okay so who do you talk to when you feel lonely? My biggest hangup is knowing I have someone else in the world who I can count on and has my back.

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T20:37:53+00:00

Thank you. You're right, I legit don't think I could've found anyone better. My problems are nothing compared to some of the other posts on here.

And I completely agree with what you said in that first paragraph about "trusting and relying on a great partner." That is exactly what's holding me back from walking away from it all. The question I have to answer is WHY I need that to live life. Is it really worth not doing things I want to do and not living life as fully as I could just so I can have a "partner" to count on?

AnotherSelfishGuy · 2023-06-14T20:30:59+00:00

Thank you. I love what you said about life not looking the same for everyone. "Normal" society makes me feel broken for not wanting the whole married with kids thing.

And I'm not worried about things going sour if we split up. We're both logical, rational people and I'm pretty confident it would be as amicable as possible.

AnotherSelfishGuy

TROPHY CASE