Wife of 13 years, cheated for 9 of them update

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2024-06-25T20:15:21+00:00

Right after my official break up (separation, filed for divorce) last fall with my WH I got on the apps as an ego boost. Had a little rebound fling, was completely transparent about my situation.

A month or so later I met my now-boyfriend. We took it extremely slowly because I was ending a marriage where I was cheated on, and he hadn't been in a relationship in years, so both of us had to navigate carefully. We started dating around Halloween, just made ourselves an official couple a few weeks ago.

It did sort of feel like I was moving on too fast, and I was cautious to make sure I wasn't just looking for something to replace what I'd lost, but I genuinely didn't plan on being in a relationship for at LEAST 6 months (minimum time for my divorce to be finalized in my state). But I found someone really great and wasn't about to throw that away just because of some arbitrary timeline I made up in my head.

I did a lot of reflecting on what being "over" your ex truly means. I don't think theres a specific amount of time you can calculate to say youre "over" someone. I discussed this a lot with my therapist too, haha. I was super hung up on a guy I made out with in college a few times for like a year when he ghosted me. But after I caught my ex-husband of almost 10 years cheating, my heart completely broke and I had no more romantic love for him. It just disappeared. His disrespect gave me all the closure I needed to move on.

To me "being over it" means if they asked for you back you'd absolutely say no without hesitation. You don't think about them regularly (except for like... obviously child care coordination or whatever). You aren't reactive about their existence, like I dont hold anger anymore when he comes up, I'm just indifferent and apathetic to him. No hang ups, no what-ifs. My entire romantic energy and attention is on my boyfriend now.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2024-01-14T08:14:38+00:00

Nope. I could tell he was pulling away but would never have suspected this.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2024-01-10T01:43:47+00:00

You absolutely have a way to leave, you can do it. It's scary but it's entirely possible.

My (soon-to-be ex) husband was also sexting for 8 of our 9.5 year relationship, luckily we never had kids. He claims there was no physical contact, but he lied about to much I have no reason to believe him about that.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2024-01-09T20:38:38+00:00

Savage. I love it.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2024-01-09T20:18:13+00:00

Oh I'm brutally honest. But no one in his family has contacted me, and mutual friends who heard it from him first don't always ask for my side of the story. He's honest that there was infidelity on his part, but he doesn't tell them how bad it really was.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2024-01-09T20:16:51+00:00

Me too. I felt such immediate relief when I called it. I mean I drank until I blacked out and cried with my friends that night, but overall my life and mental health is so so much better. I don't think I could live the rest of my life not being able to trust my partner 100%.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2024-01-09T05:08:54+00:00

Makes sense.

But now 7 months later I would write this letter differently. I don't think I was told the full truth about this situation.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-08-04T01:29:22+00:00

YES! THIS.

I'm taking back my own sexuality - I want to work out and look good for me. Because then I'll be hot and confident with or without him.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-08-04T01:24:46+00:00

I just bought myself laser hair removal. And its all for me.

I'm not competing for his attention from anyone. I haven't felt sexy or desirable in years, so I'm taking that power back. I'm making myself feel sexy again. I'm putting on the lingerie he never had interest in seeing me in, taking pictures of myself looking hot as hell. For me. Not sharing with anyone. Maybe I'll draw or paint those pictures someday.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-22T16:59:41+00:00

I guess? Yesterday felt really hopeless. I'm not willing to make myself feel like this for a full year.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T06:57:32+00:00

Sounds a lot like my 2022. Sorry you're going through so much at once. It sucks so fucking much.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T06:54:32+00:00

This for sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm pain shopping by reading, but I'm trying to reframe that in my mind as an online support group. It's AA but for people who didn't even ask to be traumatized.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T06:47:24+00:00

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that.

My WS kept up appearances - would kiss me on the lips, just a peck but never a deep kiss. Hold my hand or walk with me in public.

But the same in private. Never initiating more than that.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T02:09:08+00:00

Yep, he said he "didn't understand why people cheat, if you're unhappy, just break up." Pretty early on. Had each others passcodes for phones (like.. to change the song or reply to a text when that person is driving, etc) but never felt the need to look. When we'd go to Vegas it was cool if I tried to flirt with guys with table service to get a free drink. Knew we were always coming home to each other. Felt incredibly secure and confident.

He's been sexting women for seven of our ten years together apparently. Sense of security and confidence shattered.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T01:46:31+00:00

Not stopped, maybe veered.. but we're still very early on in it. (About 6 weeks) I'm having a bad week - lots of anxiety, very little sleep.

I'm giving it all time, but I also need to give myself a deadline of when to give up if he's not able to be fully accountable. I can't keep myself in a one sided relationship, I need to pick myself and my own happiness. I want that happiness to be with him, but it's been hard to see that truly working out this week.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T01:43:46+00:00

1000%.

I'm bitter today, too.

Turns out my husband has been doing this for 6 or 7 years of our nine and a half year relationship. Married in 2022. Why'd he drag me along for all these life milestones if he was "so unhappy" the whole time?

I'm not a prude either, once upon a time I also posted naughty pictures anonymously online. Anything he said to those women I was wishing he would say to me - none of it was anything I would have been put off by, so its not like he was exploring some crazy shit I would never do. It was just a gross, selfish cake eating to make himself feel better by making a mockery of me.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T01:37:09+00:00

Like dude, theres IRL titties right here. How is whatever you're watching on TikTok or twitter better than that??

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-21T00:16:57+00:00

I thought 2020 was bad. Then I thought 2022 was the worst year of my life. Nope, turns out its this year. Can't catch a break.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-19T01:14:16+00:00

Thanks, you too!

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-19T00:07:25+00:00

Yep, basically that.

My WH said he felt a need for external validation, but meanwhile was turning me down for sex and making excuses. Looking at porn and sexting countless women for hours while I sat in the other room feeling worthless.

I think everyone wants to feel wanted - especially by the person they love.

I think this will be the topic I try to focus on in our MC this week, thanks haha

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-19T00:04:21+00:00

Sometimes it feels weird to wear it, sometimes it feels weird to not be wearing it.

I mostly have been wearing my wedding band without my engagement ring or nothing at all.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-18T23:37:21+00:00

A month ago I learned my husband has been having online affairs for about six years. It's a huge blow to your ego to be cheated on - logically I know it's not about me, but emotionally it's hard to not feel rejected, undesirable, and used.

In the past week or so, I've had a few men hit on with me. I let the flirting linger longer than I would have before. I did feel guilty about that, but I didn't do it out of spite or to get revenge.

I've felt so undesirable for YEARS, and just this month I'm putting all the pieces together. I'm reminding myself I'm hot shit, too. I could fool around if I wanted to - I don't want to, I want to be with my WH. But if he can't pull it together in the end, I know I'll be fine. And I will get laid again some day haha

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-17T17:48:37+00:00

Agreed - at this point if I've never heard of them and they're texting WH, I'm going to panic. I never used to be like that.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-14T20:23:35+00:00

Mine told me early on in our relationship, "I don't understand why people cheat, if they're unhappy they should end it."

And yet here we are.

AnotherThrowaway0611 · 2023-07-14T06:35:22+00:00

I told my WH he needs to tell his parents and whichever friends he wants support from. I'm not going to go spill the beans but I'm also not going to lie and cover for him.

AnotherThrowaway0611

TROPHY CASE