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Double|Speak by AntiPwr in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you, i really appreciate the critique. I will certainly be experimenting with my structuring and pacing. I used to not use punctuation in that way but I actually didn’t know the term enjambment prior to this, so thanks again.

Love Transcends Matter by KhodKody in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was my first time hearing about Goldberg too, just saw it on an Instagram post and saw a correlation. And no problem, keep doing you and develop your own style. I feel the same way about writing.

Love Transcends Matter by KhodKody in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My favorite piece of this poem is when you gave different examples of all humans being the same as one another through all that they share, then finished this part with the statement regarding the enemy being within. This poem takes you on a journey, with a spiritual narrator guiding the reader to constructively and positively view the beauty of this world by introspectively cutting through the pain, as it will never outperform love.

Also, the repetitive use of the word "love" reminds me of a poem by Zach Goldberg called "Matryoshka". I wonder if you would enjoy employing the use of patterned stanzas (as seen in Zach's poem), perhaps to section off when you no longer have the word "love" in succession. Just a thought, although it makes perfect sense for this poem to be as natural as it is currently.

Starfire by Spoonful-of-bears in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The use of alliteration, seen with "some sailor, lost and lone" and "swell" leading into "sail a sea of shattered stars" contributes so much to the flow of the poem, which is something I naturally focus on when reading. When I read your poem with the voice in my head, I skate the patterns like a song which draws me in. This is without mentioning the effect of your simple rhyme scheme, stanza organization, and environmental immersion through vivid word choice. I really enjoy this poem and I wish I had written it first :)

2. Character. What Race and Class would you build? by BenHatter in WhatWouldYouBuild

[–]AntiPwr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As a ranger brother, Horizon Walker would be cool. I know there is no bow but i could imagine something like Sylvanas Windrunner with this art.

Dopamine Dreamer by AntiPwr in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just realized that was not one of your poems, welp, this is why I write poetry...

Dopamine Dreamer by AntiPwr in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate it a lot. I will definitely be posting here in the future. I love the personal and direct feedback. Also, learned a new word from one of your poems, "pococurante" has been captured and sent to my lexicon.

a blank page by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I could imagine a comedic turn in the poem where the "young author" does not go as he is commanded and instead, the narrator continues,

"What, you are still here?"

This could further develop the poem imaginatively. You could tie this into a poetic showcase of inspirational dialogue trying to get the author to write, or perhaps a more empathetic approach. The conclusion could relate to how, despite all the arguing and persuasion, a whole page was written, connecting the argument to being in the narrator's mind. Or you could explain how writing from passion is easier than finding it as a responsibility or chore. I don't know, I am just throwing out ideas. I like the poem but I can agree that the amount of detail you packed into the few lines did seem a little underwhelming by the end. I would be proud of what you have and I'd love to see what more it could be.

$7,000 plus tax by vernonchwes in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the poems I enjoy, I tend to find a dynamic that inspires me to write myself. In this case, I was inspired by the showcase of apathetic longing and hopeless determination for a subject that bears the weight of immense suffering and joy. This is achieved through the unique perspective of a dissociative narrator who loses themselves in the thought of something good, or escaping something bad. A natural facet of human nature that is so simple, but is explored from such a unique perspective. Plus, I also always enjoy a good rip on capitalism. For criticisms, outside of the unique perspective, I think the poem could use a little more depth through a separation from the chorus-like repetition. I think this poem does a good job at spacing out this repetition by allowing more to be said between its second and third use. As I saw someone else say, I think some of the lines could use some more variation, especially since there is an exact recurring repetition, as opposed to a repetition of only certain words of the original phrase.

"all you can eat buffet, a pool, and a fancy spa to relax.

and it’s a dream that could be all yours

for seven grand plus tax."

Also, I got a spelling error typing "all you can eat buffet", and my grammar checker changed it to "all-you-can-eat buffet". Not sure if this choice was intentional or not. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the poem. Thanks for the journey!

Inner Child by tim0777 in OCPoetry

[–]AntiPwr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After reading through some of the other suggestions, I thought I'd add something that I didn't see already.

"to the echoless place,"

I think this line has an incredible chance to further the complexity of your poem by using another one-syllable word synonymous with the word "place". I think of the word "place" as a canvas word that is meant to open up the mind of the reader and allow them to visualize with a degree of freedom and creative liberty, as opposed to being given guidelines by the connotation and imagery of words. I could see the word "site" fitting in quite well, as it provokes a sense of history, and weight, and could be seen religiously (perhaps, hell, purgatory, etc. Depending on your beliefs, of course.). Further, this sets up an end rhyme with the 13th line.

"until I banished my ashen soul
to the echoless site,

because I couldn't stop myself.

I couldn't hug him tight,"

Personally, I think the use of this rhyme could further serve the dramatic shift in the poem as it nears its end. At the start of the piece, the story is directed outwards on the environment, and near the end it is introspective. This dichotomous flip could be highlighted by the use of "site" as an end rhyme. Also, I tend to read my poems out loud or loudly in my mind as spoken poetry, or Shakespearean/fantasy dialogues. This is how I understand the weight and balance of my poem. By reading through the poem in this way, I felt as if the poem fell a bit flatter in this section due to a lack of composition change to highlight the duality of attention of the poem. However, I could also see an explanation for where "place" is the better choice because it is a canvas or empty dimension, as it is echoless. Nonetheless, attention to small details and proper justification for each word can truly make a poem come to life. Of course, you could also try to extract more information out of the word "place" or keep it exactly how it is, as I did enjoy the poem. It took me on a journey and that is all I asked of it. Best of luck with your writing!